America's Immigration Crisis - Kids' Edition

  • Aired:  07/15/14
  •  | Views: 190,376

Republicans always claim that America is the greatest nation on Earth; to their chagrin, child refugees fleeing violence and poverty in Latin America are listening. (8:22)

Watch Full Episode

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

OH, WE'VE GOT A GOOD PROGRAM FORYOU TONIGHT.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT WE'RE DOINGTONIGHT.

THIS IS INTERESTING.

THE GUEST TONIGHT, WE'RE VERYEXCITED, FORMER SECRETARY OF

STATE HILLARY CLINTON WILL BE ONOUR PROGRAM TONIGHT.

SHE'S HERE.

LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING,THOUGH, SHE IS HERE SOLELY FOR

ONE REASON: TO PUBLICLY ANDDEFINITIVELY DECLARE HER

CANDIDACY FOR THE PRESIDENT OFTHE UNITED STATES.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]SHE... TONIGHT... NO.

I THINK.

[LAUGHTER]IF NOT, THIS IS AN ABJECT

FAILURE.

IF IT DOESN'T HAPPEN -- MYCAREER AS A JOURNALIST MAY BE

OVER.

BUT, LET'S GET TO OUR TOP STORYTONIGHT, AMERICA'S IMMIGRATION

CRISIS KID EDITION.

>> SINCE OCTOBER, 52,000UNACCOMPANIED CHILDREN HAVE BEEN

PICKED UP TRYING TO CROSS INTOTHE U.S.

>> WHAT'S DRIVING THESE PEOPLENORTH IS CRIPPLING POVERTY AND

OUT-OF-CONTROL VIOLENCE INPLACES LIKE HONDURAS, GUATEMALA

AND EL SALVADOR.

>> Jon: WOW, THERE ARE KIDS INTROUBLE. YOU KNOW WHAT,

I WAS ALWAYS TAUGHT BY MYPARENTS TO FOLLOW THE GOLDEN

RULE.

WHENEVER YOU SEE KID IN TROUBLE,YELL AT THEM IN A LANGUAGE

THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> GO HOME!

>> NOT OUR KIDS. NOT OURPROBLEM.

>> IF OBAMA LIKES THEM SO MUCH,LET THEM STAY AT THE WHITE

HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: THAT IS AN INTERESTING

SUGGESTION.

ALTHOUGH A GROWN MAN INVITINGTHOUSANDS OF KIDS TO HIS HOUSE

GIVES OFF A LITTLE BIT OF ANEVERLAND RANCH VIBE.

[LAUGHTER]ALL RIGHT.

SO LOOK, IT'S NOT LIKE THESECOUNTRIES DEVELOPED PROBLEMS

OVERNIGHT.

WHY THE SUDDEN KID-SPLOSION?

>> REPUBLICANS POINT TO THEPRESIDENT'S 2012 ORDER THAT

PROTECTS SOME CHILDREN FROMDEPORTATION, BUT THAT APPLIES

ONLY TO THOSE WHO ENTER THEUNITED STATES BEFORE 2007.

>> Jon: [BLEEPED].

IF I HAVE TOLD KIDS FLEEINGVIOLENCE AND POVERTY ONCE, I'VE

TOLD THEM A THOUSAND TIMES.

IMMIGRANT MINORS SEEKING ASYLUMPOST-2007 MUST APPLY AT THEIR

CONSULATE WITH FORM N-400AND A BIOMETRICS FEE.

THEN APPEAR FOR A SERIES OFPROCESSING INTERVIEWS

TO ASCERTAIN PRIORITYDETERMINATION UNLESS THEY

HAVE FAMILY LIVING IN THEUNITED STATES,

IN WHICH CASE THEYFILE FORM I-130.

AND THEN YOU FILE FORM DS-260UNDER YOUR NVC CASE NUMBER

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU HAVESKILLS ATTRACTIVE TO AN

EMPLOYER. WELL, DO YOU?

DO YOU!

CHILD-FLEEING VIOLENCE ANDPOVERTY, BECAUSE IF YOU

DO, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO GOWITH FORM I-140.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT.

CHILD.

NOW, YOU MAY BE WONDERING, IFTHEY DIDN'T FILL OUT THE FORMS,

CAN'T WE JUSTDEPORT THESE KIDS?

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, WHAT THE[BLEEPED] IS WRONG WITH YOU?

THESE ARE CHILDREN.

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT?

AND SECOND OF ALL, GOODQUESTION.

[LAUGHTER]WHY CAN'T WE JUST DEPORT THEM.

>> A 2008 LAW SIGNED BYPRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH SAYS

CHILDREN FROM COUNTRIES NOTBORDERING THE U.S. CANNOT BE

IMMEDIATELY DEPORTED.

>> Jon: STUPID LIBERALS.

[LAUGHTER]THAT'S WHY WE NEED A REPUBLICAN

IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

AND...OH.

WELL, SINCE WE APPARENTLY HAVE APROCESS IN PLACE, WHY ALL THE

HULLABALOO?

>> THEY CAN APPEAR IN COURT ANDMAKE THE CASE FOR STAYING.

>> TENS OF THOUSANDS OFUNDOCUMENTED AND OFTEN

UNACCOMPANIED CHILDREN AREOVERWHELMING FEDERAL FACILITIES.

>> Jon: WELL, OF COURSE, THEAGENTS AT THE BORDER PATROL ARE

DOING WHAT THEY CANTO HELP THESE KIDS.

>> I'VE WATCHED THEM DOEVERYTHING FROM CHANGE DIAPERS

TO HEAT FORMULA.

MANY OF THESE ARE SINGLE YOUNGMEN WHO ARE NOT PARTICULARLY

GOOD AT THAT, BUT THEY'RE REALLYGETTING BETTER.

>> Jon: IT'S ALL GOING TO BEDOCUMENTED IN THE NEW HIT MOVIE

"THREE MEN AND 50,000 BABIES."

[LAUGHTER]STEVE... ONE OF THEM, IS THAT...

GUTTENBERG'S BACK, BABY.

SO WE GOT OURSELVES A GENUINEHUMANITARIAN CRISIS, UNLESS

SOMEONE WOULD LIKE TO LABEL ITDIFFERENTLY?

>> THE OLD ENGLISH DICTIONARYDEFINES INVASION AS ANY

ENCROACHMENT OR INTRUSION ORADVENT OF SOMETHING HARMFUL AS

IN A DISEASE.

>> Jon: AH, REPRESENTATIVE LOUIEGOHMERT.

HE'S LIKE OLD FAITHFUL,IF INSTEAD OF HOT WATER, IT

REGULARLY SHOT OUT STUPID.

>> IN THE CONSTITUTION UNDERARTICLE 1 SECTION 8, IT SAYS

THAT CONGRESS HAS THE AUTHORITYTO CALL FOR THE MILITARY DURING

TIMES OF INVASION.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: YOU WANT THE MARINES

ON THIS ONE?

TIP OF THE SPEAR.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW, I'M NOT A MILITARYEXPERT OBVIOUSLY, BUT GENERALLY

AN ENEMY INVASION FORCE IS NOTPARTICULARLY DANGEROUS UNTIL IT

CAN REACH AND OPEN ITS OWNCEREAL.

[LAUGHTER]NOW, FROM WHAT I KNOW...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]EVEN HITLER WASN'T ALWAYS AN

IMMINENT THREAT.

[LAUGHTER]ACTUALLY, THAT'S SOMEONE WHO

[LAUGHTER]ACTUALLY, THAT'S SOMEONE WHO

WORKS HERE'S CHILD. NO, I KNOW.I'M JUST,

I'M WAITING FOR THE DAY WHENTHAT KID, 20 YEARS FROM NOW,

JUST HUNTS ME DOWN, COMES TO MYDOOR AND GOES, YEAH, IT'S REAL

[BLEEPED] FUNNY.

YEAH, THAT WAS REAL, REAL FUNNY.

ANYWAY, SO HUMANITARIAN CRISIS,RESPONSE SYSTEM OVERWHELMED.

WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THIS BEFORE?

THIS UH...ANYBODY, ANYBODY?

OH, YOU, FELLOW LONE STARREPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN BLAKE

FARENTHOLD?

>> THIS IS PRESIDENT OBAMA'SKATRINA.

>> WELL, I BELIEVE IN THIS CASEIT'S PRONOUNCED KATARINA.

ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, WHEN ITCOMES TO GLARING GAPS IN WHAT

ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SECUREBARRIERS, I THINK FARENTHOLD

KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

IN FACT, OH, MY GOD, HANG ON.

THE CRISIS IS SO BAD THEY'REEVERYWHERE.

NOOOOOO!

DONDE ESTA?

YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T BE SO QUICKTO BLAME OBAMA FOR THIS FLOOD OF

IMMIGRANTS.

MAYBE THEY GOT THE IDEA THATAMERICA WAS A GREAT PLACE TO

COME FROM SOME OTHER PEOPLE.

>> WE LIVE IN THE GREATESTCOUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

>> THE GREATEST NATION IN THEHISTORY OF MANKIND.

>> THE STRONGEST, FREEST,GREATEST COUNTRY.

>> THE GREATEST HEALTH CARE.

>> THE GREATEST UNIVERSITIES.

THE GREATEST SCHOOLS.

>> THE GREATEST RISE OF FREEDOMAND OPPORTUNITY.

>> GREATER THAN SOLOMON'SISRAEL.

>> THE SINGLE GREATEST NATION INTHE HISTORY OF ALL MANKIND.

>> THE GREATEST COUNTRY EVER.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW ABOUTYOU, BUT I REALLY FEEL LIKE

[BLEEPED] AN APPLE PIE RIGHTNOW.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]WHY WOULD YOU NOT... WHY WOULD

YOU NOT COME TO A PLACE THATGREAT?

IN FACT, IT'S WHY ALL OF OURANCESTORS CAME TO THIS COUNTRY

AND WERE THEMSELVES ORIGINALLYUNWELCOME.

BECAUSE THAT'S THE STORY OFAMERICA, FROM BEN FRANKLIN'S

WORRIES THAT GERMANS WERERUINING PENNSYLVANIA, TO OUR

19th CENTURY 60-YEAR BAN ONTHE CHINESE IMMIGRANTS WHO HAD

JUST FINISHED BUILDING OUR RAILSYSTEM, TO OUR VERY REAL AND

JUSTIFIABLE CONCERNS ABOUT THEIRISH AND THEIR INSATIABLE

APPLYING FOR JOBS.

WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A NATION OFIMMIGRANTS WHO HATE THE NEWER

IMMIGRANTS.

BECAUSE LADY LIBERTY MAY APPEARTO BE A BEACON TO THOSE YEARNING

TO BREATHE FREE, BUT THE TRUTHIS SHE'S ACTUALLY A BOUNCER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Loading...