The Great Buffett Caper - John Hodgman

  • Aired:  04/17/12
  •  | Views: 29,163

From the cockpit of his stationary hover blimp, resident deranged millionaire John Hodgman shares several ways for the wealthy to circumvent the Buffett Rule. (2:47)

MEANINGLESS TIME.

IS THAT REALLY VIEW FROM WOULD IT NOT MATTER IF WE PASSED THE BUFFETT RULE BECAUSE RICH PEOPLE

WOULD JUST GET AROUND IT ANYWAY.

WHERE'S DERANGED MILLIONAIRE JOHN HODGEMAN WHEN WE NEED HIM?

OH, HEY, HODGEMAN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> JOHN, YOU SEEM TO HAVE CAUGHT ME IN MY STATIONARY HOVER BLIMP.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

>> Jon: JOHN, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF WE PASSED THE BUFFETT RULE ON INCOMES OVER A MILLION DOLLARS?

>> I'D MAX OUT MY EARNINGS AT $999,99 FROM INVESTMENTS THEN

SHIFT OTHER REVENUE STREAMS INTO A TRUST.

WHY?

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: SO WE WOULD RAISE THE CAPITAL GAINS TAX.

>> THEN I'LL DIVERT MY INVESTMENT INCOME TO THE CAYMAN ISLANDS.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: I'LL PENALIZE OFFSHORE ASSETS.

>> WELL THEN I'LL DIVERT MY ASSETS BACK TO THE UNITED STATES AND PUT THEM INTO A MEDIA COMPANY.

VIACOM SOUNDS GOOD.

(LAUGHTER) I'LL USE MY CONTROLLING INTEREST TO MAKE SOME PERSONNEL CHANGES

ON THEIR MTV NETWORK PROPERTY COMEDY CENTRAL.

(LAUGHTER) THEN I WILL BLIMP CRUSH YOUR HOME.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> AND THEN I'LL HAVE YOU MURDERED.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> WHAT?

BLUB, BLUB, BLUB,KY CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY STATIONARY BLIMP.

>> Jon: HODGEMAN, THAT'S ILLEGAL.

>> JON, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT WASHINGTON DEMOCRAT THROWS AT

US, WE'LL SWAT IT AWAY.

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS I'LL DIVERT IT TO WHAT WE RICH PEOPLE CALL THE LAST REFUGE OF SCOUNDRELS,

CHARITY.

(LAUGHTER) I'D REROUTE MY MILLIONS THROUGH MY NATIONWIDE MET WORK OF ANIMAL SHELTERS.

>> Jon: AT LEAST THERE IT DOES SOME GOOD.

>> Jon: YES, GOOD.

FOR ME.

SEE I CONVERT MY TAXABLE INCOME INTO GOLD THEN GRIND IT UP INTO FLAKES AND PUT THEM IN THE

SUSPENSION OF PURE CINNAMON THIS NAPS WHICH I THEN FEED TO RETIRED GREYHOUNDS.

>> Jon: YOU'RE GIVING GREYHOUNDS GOLDSCHLAGER?

>> WELL, THEY'RE RETIRED.

THEY DON'T NEED TO BE IN RACING SHAPE ANYMORE.

>> Jon: SO IT'S NOT SHELTERS FOR ANIMALS.

>> NO, NO, THE ANIMALS ARE THE SHELTERS.

(LAUGHTER) FOR MY INCOME.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: HOW DO YOU GET THE INCOME BACK... OH.

>> THINK ABOUT IT.

IT'S WHAT WE IN THE BUSINESS CALL "GROSS PROFIT." (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: IT'S NASTY.

>> IT'S THE REVERSE OF WHAT WE CALL MONEY LAUNDERI

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