Sex-curities XXXchange Cumission

  • Aired:  04/27/10
  •  | Views: 97,899

Samantha Bee thinks there should be more of a porn sensibility to financial regulatory mechanisms. (5:41)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EARLIER WE SAW DEMOCRATS USING THE GOLDMAN SACHS FRAUD CASE TO ARGUE FOR WALL STREET REFORM.

EVEN REPUBLICANS NEEDING SOME SCANDAL THAT THEY CAN EXPLOIT TO ARGUE AGAINST REFORM.

LAST FRIDAY THEIR WISH WAS GRANTED.

>> JUST AS PRESIDENT OBAMA ARGUES FOR MORE GOVERNMENT OVERSIGHT OF THE FINANCIAL

INDUSTRY SHOCKING REVELATIONS AT THE S.E.C. ARE GIVING REPUBLICANS NEW AM AMMUNITION TO FIGHT BACK.

>> Jon: GO ON --

>> AN INTERNAL INVESTIGATION FOUND JUST AS THE ECONOMY WAS TANKING OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS

SEVERAL HIGH RANKING S.E.C.

OFFICIALS WERE BUSY SURFING INTERNET PORN.

>> SEX AT THE S.E.C.

>> THE LETTERS DON'T STAND FOR SEXUAL EXPLORERS CLUB.

>> MAYBE THE BONDAGE MARKET.

>> ARE THEY WATCH DOGS OR HORN DOGS.

>> A BUNCH OF DOGS WATCHING PORN AND WE'RE PAYING FOR IT.

>> WE DON'T NEED MORE JUST SMARTER ONES MORE INTERESTED IN

POUNDING OUT WASTE ON KEYBOARDS THAN POUNDING OUT SOMETHING ELSE ON THINK KEYBOARDS JOINCH GOT ONE.

I GOT ONE!

THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING STOCKS AND BONDS NOT (bleep) AND BLONDS.

WAIT, I GOT ONE, THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN MONITORING FINANCIAL MALFEASANCE NOT WATCHING PEOPLE (bleep).

[ LAUGHTER ]

CLEVER WORD PLAY IS HARD.

HOW BAD DO THINGS GET?

>> A SENIOR ATTORNEY AT THE HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

WHO SPENT EIGHT HOURS A DAY DOWNLOADING PORN IN FACT FILLED UP THE HARD DRIVE AND HAD TO

START FILLING BOXES FULL OF DVDS AND CDS TO KEEP ALL OF THAT PORN AT HAND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: EIGHT HOURS A DAY OF DOWNLOADING PORN.

THAT'S A PERSON WHO DOESN'T EVEN LIKE PORN.

THEY JUST LIKE THE THRILL OF THE CHASE.

50%, 75%, IT'S BUFFERING.

IT'S BUFFERING.

OOOOH.

FOR MORE WE'RE JOINED BY OUR SENIOR FINANCIAL ANALYST SAMANTHA BEE.

SAM, THANKS FOR JOINING -S US.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR FINANCIAL REGULATORS.

>> YES.

>> Jon: THEY ARE CHARGED WITH WATCHING WALL STREET AND THEY ARE DOWNLOADING PORN UP TO EIGHT

HOURS A DAY WHILE THIS WILL COUNTRY'S FINANCIAL SYSTEM IMPLODE OF THE.

ISN'T EIGHT HOURS THE WHOLE WORK DAY?

>> THEY GET IN HALF AN HOUR EARLY, GET COFFEE, CHECK E-MAIL.

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE ME TIME BEFORE THE DAILY MARATHON BANK SESSION.

LA OF LAUGH.

>> Jon: OKAY, OKAY.

AGAIN.

EIGHT HOURS IT'S TANTRIC IN THEIR ABILITY --

>> IT'S A SIMPLE PROBLEM.

FINANCE IS BORING.

PORN IS INTERESTING.

>> Jon: HOW DO WE FIX THE PROBLEM?

>> WE NEED TO BRING MORE OF A PORN SENSIBILITY TO OUR FINANCIAL REGULATORY MECHANISM.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WOULD --

>> IF I MAY.

LET'S START WITH THE DRY OLD CHARTS AND GRAPHS.

PIE CHARTS, BORING BUT WITH A FEW MODIFICATIONS, I CAN'T WAIT.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT QUARTER.

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OOOHOOOO.

>> Jon: THAT SEEMED UNREALISTIC ON SO MANY LEVELS.

>> Jon: IT'S AN INTERESTING IDEA.

>> IT'S ALL ABOUT PRESENTATION.

>> Jon: I UNDERSTAND.

>> WHICH IS WHY FROM NOW ON ALL FINANCIAL DOCUMENTS WILL BE DELIVERED TO THE S.E.C. VIA

HUNKY PIZZA DELIVERY GUYS.

>> Jon: WHAT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> WHAT?

OH, MY GOODNESS, WHO COULD THAT BE?

I DIDN'T ORDER A COLLATERALIZED DEBT OBLIGATION.

OH.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH IT'S SO LONG.

WELL, THIS IS HARD.

>> Jon: YEAH.

THAT GUY COULD STIR YOUR SAUCE ANY DAY, HUH?

>> PLEASE DON'T BE CREEPY.

>> Jon: SAM, HOWEVER YOU DRESS IT UP THIS IS DIFFICULT TEDIOUS WORK.

THE REGULATORS HAVE TO DO THEIR JOBS.

>> WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE TO INTRODUCE INCENTIVES.

>> Jon: THAT MAKES MORE SENSE.

MERIT BASE THE PROMOTIONS.

THAT KIND OF THING?

>> ACTUALLY I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING A LITTLE SEXIER.

THERE WE GO SKWROFRBGTS THAT'S MARIA BARTOLOMO.

>> SHE'S THE ANGELINA JOLIE OF THE FINANCIAL WORLD.

ANY TIME THE S.E.C. UNCOVERS A WRONGDOING THEY TAKE A PIECE OF CLOTHING OFF THEIR FAVORITE

MONEY HONEY.

FIND A BANK DEFRAUDING A CUSTOMER.

BUST UP A HEDGE FUND P PONZI SCHEME.

WHOOPS.

INSIDE TRADEING, MAMA LIKEY.

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAK.

OKAY.

I DIDN'T KNOW MARIA HAD SO MANY TATTOOS.

>> WELL, WE COULDN'T GET HER TO POSE.

>> Jon: THAT'S BOMBSHELL McGEE'S BODY.

>> IS IT OBVIOUS.

>> Jon: SAM --

[LAUGHTER]

MIGHT THIS REGULATORY FAILURE HAVE ANY NONPORN RELA LATED SOLUTIONS.

>> THE S.E.C. COULD STOP HIRING 14-YEAR-OLD BOYS TO REGULATE THE ||

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