(500) Crazies of Summer

  • Aired:  07/14/14
  •  | Views: 198,688

The fun of summer abruptly ends when an immigration crisis, growing threats from ISIS, the resurgence of Israeli-Palestinian violence and a scandal at the CDC all emerge. (8:38)

>> Jon: HEY EVERYBODY. WELCOMEBACK.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WHAT'S UP MAN?

I'M BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS... WHAT ISMY GUEST TONIGHT IS SLATE'S

SUPREME COURT EXPERT DAHLIALITHWICK.

WE'RE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

WE'RE BACK.

WE'RE BACK FROM BREAK.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]TWO WEEKS OF SUN, FUN AND

STEALING TROPICAL BIRDS FROMWHAT I THINK, IF THE SIGN IS TO

BE BELIEVED, A PROTECTED,ENDANGERED SPECIES SANCTUARY,

ALTHOUGH NOT THAT PROTECTED IF AGUY WITH A CASE OF SPICED RUM

AND A SWISS ARMY KNIFE CANBREECH THE PERIMETER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

RIGHT?

THERE... THAT'S MR. WHISKERS.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUTBIRDS.

[LAUGHTER]TRUTH IS UNTIL I SOBERED UP, I

THOUGHT HE WAS A LEMUR.

BUT UM, POINT IS THIS: MAN, GOODBREAK.

I TUNED OUT.

I CHILLED OUT.

WHAT AM I GOING TO MISS IN ATWO-WEEK PERIOD, RIGHT?

IT'S THE SUMMER.

>> CRISIS ON OUR BOARDER.

THE IMMIGRATION NIGHTMARE.

>> THE SPY SCANDAL EXPLODES.

>> CRISIS IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

>> REPUBLICANS JUST ANNOUNCINGPLANS TO SUE THE PRESIDENT.

>> TOXIC BOMBSHELL.

>> TROPICAL STORM WATCHES FORTHE EAST COAST.

>> TERRORISTS WITH NUCLEARMATERIAL.

>> STANDING ON THE BRINK OFALL-OUT WAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: 'TWAS THE NEWS THAT

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: 'TWAS THE NEWS THAT

KILLED WHISKERS, OR THE FACTTHAT I'D ONLY FED HIM SMOKED

DELI MEAT FOR ABOUT A WEEK.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE WERE GONE FOR TWO WEEKS.

LET'S JUST, LET'S DEAL WITHAMERICA FIRST.

>> THIS HUGE IMMIGRATION CRISIS.

>> 60,000 TO 80,000 CHILDRENWITHOUT PARENTS EXPECTED TO

CROSS ILLEGALLY THIS YEAR.

>> OVERWHELMING U.S. FACILITIES.

>> THERE AREN'T ENOUGH BEDS,BATHROOMS OR FOOD.

>> Jon: YOU GOT TO BLAME OBAMA'SIMMIGRATION POLICY FOR THIS ONE.

YOU DON'T WANT MIGRANT CHILDREN,YOU DON'T PUT UP THESE

BILLBOARDS.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]OR A BORDER-LENGTH BALL PIT.

IT'S NOT SMART. IT'S NOT A STARTMOVE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, THESECHILDREN... THESE CHILDREN ARE

FLEEING TERRIBLE CRIME ANDVIOLENCE IN THEIR HOME

COUNTRIES, SEEKING EMBRACE INTHE OPEN AND CARING ARMS OF

MOTHER AMERICA.

GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR,YOUR HUDDLED MASSES YEARNING TO

BREATHE FREE.

>> GO BACK TO MEXICO!

>> YEAH, GET OUT OF HERE!

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: OKAY.

THAT WASN'T THE STATUE OFLIBERTY.

AND TECHNICALLY ACTUALLY MANYARE FROM CENTRAL AMERICA, YOUR

HONDURAS, YOUR EL SALVADOR AND,OF COURSE, AS JESUS SAID, I WAS

A STRANGER AND YOU WELCOMED ME.

>> JESUS WOULD NOT BREAK THELAW.

[LAUGHTER][AUDIENCE REACTS].

>> Jon: YOU MEAN RADICALDESTROYER OF THE STATUS QUO

JESUS?

BARGING INTO TEMPLES,OVERTHROWING TABLES JESUS?

BREAKING THE LAW WAS KIND OF HISTHING.

IN FACT, HE DIDN'T JUST WALK ONWATER, HE JAYWALKED ON WATER.

THAT'S ACTUALLY... IF I KNOW MYBIBLICAL HISTORY, IS WHERE

THE J IN JAYWALKING CAME FROM.

JESUS-WALKING THEY CALLED IT.

LOOK, IT'S A DIFFICULTHUMANITARIAN CRISIS.

BUT IT AIN'T NORMANDY.

YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT BORDERTROUBLES?

>> ISIS TERRORISTS CONTROL LARGEPARTS OF IRAQ AND SYRIA.

>> ISIS SEEM TO BE INCHING EVERCLOSER TO THE IRAQI CAPITAL.

>> Jon: ISIS, LED BY THISAL-BAGHDADI GUY OVER THERE.

HE'S KNOCKED OVER THE BIGGESTBANK IN MOSUL IN IRAQ, TAKEN

OVER OIL FIELDS, HE'S BANKROLLING HIMSELF AS THE LEADER OF

A SORT OF NEW IN THE TIME OFMOHAMMAD FUNDAMENTALIST

CALIPHATE. EVERYBODY ISWAITING FOR THIS DUDE TO

SLIP UP, BUT HE HAS NOT.

>> THIS IMAGE APPEARS TO SHOWAL-BAGHDADI WEARING A $7,000

ROLEX OR OMEGA TIME PIECE.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: OKAY.

THAT'S KIND OF A [BLEEPED] UP.

THAT... ALTHOUGH, IN HISDEFENSE, YOU KNOW, WHENEVER

YOU'RE TAKING YOUR FOLLOWERSTHAT FAR BACK IN TIME,

YOU WANT TO KEEP TRACKOF IT IN STYLE.

OF COURSE, WHILE ISIS IS A NEWMIDDLE EAST CATASTROPHE.

DON'T WORRY.

THE AREA IS NOT PULLINGCATASTROPHE CLASSIC OFF THE

SHELVES JUST YET.

>> TONIGHT, ISRAELI TANKS AREPOSITIONED OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCES

TO GAZA, AWAITING ORDERS TOINVADE AS THE AERIAL

BOMBARDMENTS FROM BOTH SIDESCONTINUED.

>> Jon: TASTE GREAT, MOREKILLING.

LOOK, BOTH SIDES ARE ENGAGING INAERIAL BOMBARDMENT, BUT ONE SIDE

APPEARS TO BE BOMB-BETTER AT IT.

MOST HAMAS ROCKETS ARENEUTRALIZED BY ISRAEL'S IRON

DOME TECHNOLOGY, AND ISRAELICITIZENS CAN EVEN NOW DOWNLOAD A

WARNING APP.

>> YOU'LL GET IT ON YOUR PHONEAND KNOW EXACTLY WHAT CITY IS

BEING TARGETED AND WHEN IT'SBEING TARGETED.

>> Jon: WELL, THAT'S $2.99VERSION. THE FREE VERSION,

IN THE FREE VERSION, YOU HAVE TOWATCH A CLIP OF TRANSFORMERS 4

AND THEN IF YOU CAN GET IT OFFTHE SCREEN,

THEY'LL TELL YOU WHERE THE BOMBIS GOING.

SO ISRAELIS SEEM TO HAVE AHIGH-TECH SMARTPHONE ALERT

SYSTEM. HOW ARE THEGAZANS NOTIFIED?

>> BASICALLY A SMALL MORTAR

EXPLOSION ON THE ROOF OF ABUILDING, WHICH SERVES AS AN

ISRAELI WARNING OF AN UPCOMINGAIR STRIKE.

>> Jon: HMMM.

SO THE ISRAELI MILITARY WARNSGAZA RESIDENTS OF IMMINENT

BOMBING WITH A SMALLER WARNINGBOMBING.

[LAUGHTER]AN AMUSED BOOM, IF YOU WILL.

AND THEN AT THAT POINT, AT THATPOINT, WHAT ARE GAZANS SUPPOSED

TO DO?

>> THE ISRAELI MILITARYTELEPHONED THEIR NEIGHBOR TO

WARN THEM TO EVACUATE, BUT THEYONLY HAD THREE MINUTES.

>> Jon: EVACUATE TO WHERE?

HAVE YOU [BLEEPED] SEEN GAZA?IT'S THIS BIG!

ISRAEL BLOCKED THIS BORDER.

EGYPT BLOCKED THIS BORDER.

WHAT, ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO SWIMFOR IT?

PERHAPS NOTHING SUMS UP THEASYMMETRICAL NATURE OF THIS

CONFLICT MORE THAN A QUICKCHECK-IN WITH THE CORRESPONDENTS

ASSIGNED TO THE RESPECTIVEBEATS.

>> TONIGHT WE HAVE A VIEW FROMTHE GROUND ON BOTH SIDES

STARTING WITH MARTIN FLETCHER INTEL AVIV.

[LAUGHTER]LOOK AT THIS!

THE GAZA REPORTER LOOKS LIKE ANEXTRA FROM THE HURT LOCKER.

WHILE THE REPORTER IN ISRAELLOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO BANG

OUT HIS STAND-UP AND THEN HEADTO A JIMMY BUFFETT CONCERT.

THEY'RE A LIVING POLITICALCARTOON FOR THE WAR IN THE

MIDDLE EAST.

THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD.

IS THERE ANYTHING THAT CAN SAVEUS AT THIS POINT NOW, SCIENCE,

MAYBE, RATIONAL, RELIABLE,FACTUAL, YOU'D NEVER LET US DOWN

SCIENCE, WOULD YOU?

>> C.D.C. WORKERS LOST TRACK OFSAMPLES OF A DANGEROUS H5N1

INFLUENZA VIRUS.

>> MORE THAN 80 WORKERS AT THEC.D.C. IN ATLANTA WERE EXPOSED

TO ANTHRAX.

>> THE C.D.C. IS INVESTIGATINGHOW VILES OF THE SMALLPOX VIRUS

TURNED UP IN A STORAGE LAB USEDBY THE FOOD AND DRUG

ADMINISTRATION.[AUDIENCE REACTS].

>> Jon: HAVE YOU GUYS EVERREAD YOUR SIGN?

CENTER FOR DISEASE "CONTROL."

ARE YOU GUYS HAVING A MIDLIFECRISIS?

HAVE YOU BECOME BORED WITH YOURMISSION OF CENTRALLY CONTROLLING

DISEASE? MUCH LIKE A MIDDLEAGED MEN BUYS A SPORTS CARS,

YOU'RE SPICING THINGS UP BY

SEEING WHAT SPREADING DISEASEFEELS LIKE.

I GO ON VACATION FOR TWO WEEKS.

TWO WEEKS.

YOU COME BACK TO FIND OUT THATTHINGS ARE SO [BLEEPED] UP IN

OUR WORLD THAT THE TWO HAPPIESTPLACES ON EARTH RIGHT NOW ARE

GERMANY AND CLEVELAND.

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