Back in Black - Artisanal Foods

  • Aired:  05/01/12
  •  | Views: 90,135

Lewis Black warns that, chances are, you're not eating what you think you're eating -- unless it's a hot dog, then you know you're eating pig snouts and anuses. (4:25)

>> Stewart: IN A NEW STORY, A SEGMENT WE CALL BACK IN BLACK.

>> I HAVE SAD NEWS.

IF YOU ARE EATING RIGHT NOW,

CHANCES ARE YOU ARE NOT EATING WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE EATING.

UNLESS YOU ARE HAVING A HOT DOG.

THEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE EATING PIG ANUSES.

HAVE YOU EVER EATEN KOBE BEEF? NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

YOU JUST PAID FOR KOBE BEEF.

IN FACT, YOU CAN'T EVEN BUY KOBE BEEF IN THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE IT

IS ONLY MADE IN JAPAN, AND IT IS ILLEGAL TO IMPORT IT.

SO IF YOUR LOCAL BISTRO IS SERVING KOBE SLIDERS, JUST GO ACROSS THE STREET TO WHITE

CASTLE, HAVE THAT (BLEEP), HAVE THE EXACT SAME (BLEEP) THING.

THESE PEOPLE ARE PISSING ON OUR LEGS AND TELLING US IT IS CHAMPAGNE! AND IT IS NOT JUST MEAT.

A REPORT BE ADVOCACY GROUP ASSOCIATION IA TESTED SEAFOOD AROUND LOS ANGELES AND FOUND

CONSUMERS BUYING ONE FISH BUT GETTING ANOTHER.

>> THE WORD FOR SUSHI RESTAURANTS, 87 PERCENT, JOHN,

100 PERCENT OF THE SNAPPER THAT WAS TESTED WAS WRONG.

>> Stewart: SNAPPER CALAMITY LAP I CAN'T, WHO GIVES A (BLEEP)! THAT'S WHAT THE

KETCHUP IS FOR! LOOK, LIE ALL YOU WANT ABOUT YOUR BAKED BEEF OR YOUR MYSTERY FISH, BUT THIS

IS INEXCUSABLE.

>> DUNKIN''S ARTISAN BEIGE CRIMINAL AS AUTHENTIC AS IT GETS.

>> REALLY, AUTHENTIC BAGELS? BECAUSE UNLESS YOU CHANGE YOUR

NAME FROM DUNKIN' DONUTS AND ELLIS ISLAND, THEN I DOUBT IT.

>> IN FACT, A BAKE NEVER QUEENS IS EVEN FILED A LEGAL COMPLAINT,

NOT ABOUT THE LOUSY BAGELS BUT THAT THEY ARE ABUSING THE WORD ARTISAN.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK ARTISAN MEANS?

>> I BELIEVE IT IS WELL CRAFTED AND SAN MEANS ONE WHO CARES.

I THINK BATTER DOES REALLY,

REALLY GOOD THINGS.

>> WHAT A SURPRISE, A HIPSTER TALKING OUT OF HIS BUTT.

>> WELL, LET ME HELP YOU OUT AND WHATEVER (BLEEP) YOUR NAME IS.

ARTISAN.

A CRAFTS PERSON WHO PRODUCES SOMETHING IN LIMITED QUANTITIES,

OFTEN USING TRADITIONAL METHODS.

>> IN OTHER WORDS, NOT THIS STUFF!

>> AND DUNKIN' DONUTS ISN'T ALONE.

PLENTY OF COMPANIES ARE TRYING TO CONVINCE US THEIR CHEESE IS LOVINGLY CRAFTED BY PEASANTS AND

THE FISH IS INDIVIDUALLY INSPECTED FROM LAKE WATER ON THE CHOCOLATE.

HERE IS A GOOD RULE OF THUMB.

IF YOU YOUR PRODUCT IS SERVED BY DUMPING IT OUT OF A PLASTIC BAG INTO A BOWL OF MICROWAVE JELLY,

IT IS NOT ARTISAN.

AND IF IT TAKES LESS THAN 30 MINUTES TO MAKE AND DELIVER, I AM NOT SURE IT IS EVEN FOOD.

>> AT DOMINOES WE ALWAYS SAID YES YOU WANT YOUR PIZZA DELIVERED WE SAID YES BUT WHEN

IT COMES TO OUR ARTISAN PIZZAS WE ARE SAYING, NO.

STORY.

SORRY.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

CAN I HAVE A PEPPERONI.

>> NO.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? GORDON RANS DAY.

THE ONLY TIME SOMEONE AT DOMINO'S SAYS NO TO ME IS IF I JUST WALKED IN AND ASKED, HEY,

CAN I TAKE A DUMP IN YOUR SINK? SHORT OF THAT, THE ANSWER IS YES, SIR! THIS IS AMERICA.

AND THERE IS ONLY ONE THING IN THIS COUNTRY THAT IS MADE IN SMALL BATCHES, THE TRADITIONAL

WAY, AND DESERVES TO BE CALLED ARTISMAL, AND THAT IS OUR -- HAND CRAFTED.

HAND CRAFTED IN A SINGLE BATHTUB, USING ONLY THE FINEST DRANO, THE WAY GRANDMA USED TO MAKE IT.

JON.

>> Stewart: THANK YOU, LOUIS.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

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