Democalypse 2014 - Always Bet on Black

  • Aired:  06/25/14
  •  | Views: 48,184

New York Democratic incumbent Charlie Rangel secures his 23rd term in Congress, though he seems to be the last person to realize it. (5:16)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW. I'M JON STEWART.

WE GOT A GOOD ONE TONIGHT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, KEIRAKNIGHTLEY, HOST OF THE NEWS

PARODY "THE KNIGHTLEY SHOW."

I SHOULD JUST GO NOW.

I'M SORRY.

[LAUGHTER]LET'S BEGIN TONIGHT WITH SOME

IMPORTANT PRIMARIES. REPUBLICANSENATOR THAD COCHRAN OF

MISSISSIPPI AND DEMOCRATICREPRESENTATIVE CHARLIE RANGEL OF

HARLEM, 160 YEARS OF LIFEBETWEEN THEM, 86 OR THOSE YEARS

IN ELECTED OFFICE, AAAAHHHH --IF THEY WERE ONE MAN, THEY WOULD

HAVE BEEN BORN IN 1854.

ELECTED TO CONGRESS IN 1928.

THEY WOULD HAVE DIED IN 1944 ANDSTILL HELD OFFICE FOR 70 MORE

YEARS.

[LAUGHTER]AND THEIR NAME WOULD HAVE BEEN

THARLY COCKANGEL OF THEMISSISSIPPI HARLEM COCKANGEL'S

AND THE BASIS FOR THE HIT TVSHOW, "THARLY'S COCKANGEL'S."

"HELLO, HELLO THARLY." "HELLOCOCKANGELS."

BOTH MEN FACED SERIOUSPRIMARY CHALLENGES. AND BOTH

MEN, ODDLY ENOUGH, WERE BAILEDOUT BY AFRICAN AMERICANS.

IT'S THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S

"DEMOCALYPSE 2014: ALWAYS BET ONBLACK."

[LAUGHTER]OBVIOUSLY THE AFRICAN AMERICAN

VOTE IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT INCHARLIE RANGEL'S HARLEM AND

BRONX DISTRICT, BUT THIS YEAREVEN MORE SO BECAUSE THE 22-TERM

INCUMBENT -- 22-TERMINCUMBENT -- HIS INCUMBENCY CAN

NOW LEGALLY DRINK.

THE 22-TERM INCUMBENT, ANINVENTOR OF THE FAMED FRONT PANT

AIR BAG TECHNOLOGY.

HELLO, I'M CHARLIE RANGEL.

DO YOU WISH THE FRONT OF YOULOOKED MORE LIKE THE BACK OF

YOU?

[LAUGHTER]BUY MY FRONT BUTT PANTS.

ANYWAY, WHAT ARE WE TALKINGABOUT?

OH, YES, THE AFRICAN AMERICANTURNOUT MATTERED VERY MUCH

BECAUSE RANGEL'S DISTRICT HAS ALARGE DOMINICAN POPULATION NOW,

WHICH RANGEL FELT WAS VERYIMPORTANT TO HIS CHALLENGER,

ADRIANO ESPAILLAT.

>> HE WOKE UP ONE MORNING ANDFOUND OUT THERE WERE MORE

DOMINICANS IN THE BRONX ANDHIS AMBITIONS ALLOWED HIM TO

BELIEVE THAT HE SHOULD BE FIRSTDOMINICAN.

JUST WHAT THE HECK HAS HE DONEBESIDES SAYING HE'S A DOMINICAN?

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: YES, LIKE MOST OLD MEN,

CHARLIE RANGEL IS RACIST.

AND I'M ASSUMING LIKES SOUP.

RANGEL WON.

HE BEAT ESPAILLAT.

BUT, OF COURSE, HE APPARENTLYDIDN'T KNOW THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN

HE WANDERED OUT ONTO THE STAGEIN FRONT OF HIS SUPPORTERS TO

FIND OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON... FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

>> WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE VOTEHAVE YOU HAD REPORTED THAT'S IN?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT PRECINCTLOCATION THEY ARE?

I'M AT WHAT?

>> 48.

>> 48.

SO THAT MEANS 20%...

>> 49%/42%.

>> 49%/42%. AND I'M UP.

WE ARE UP, SO.

>> 49% TO 42%.

>> 49%/42%.>> YES, SIR. AND YOU'RE UP.

>> AND I'M UP 49%/42%.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUSHOULD DO.

WELL, I THINK NOW WE ALL KNOWWHAT IT'S LIKE...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]WE ALL KNOW NOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH CHARLIERANGEL.

"WHAT?

WHY?

WAIT.

WHO IS THIS?

WHO IS THIS SITH LORD AND WHO ISTHE... WHY IS THIS ONE SWORD

BLUE BUT THE OTHER'S RED?

WAIT THEY'RE BROTHER AND SISTER,WHY ARE THEY KISSING?"

HOW LONG WAS CHARLIE RANGELON STAGE?

LONG ENOUGH FOR THE EARTH TOSHIFT.

[CHEERING]>> THE PEOPLE HAVE WON. AND IF

YOU CAN JUST HAVETHE CAMERAS SWEEP OVER --

>> WHOA.

>> Jon: WRAP IT UP!

DO YOU NEED MORE OF A HINT?

THE EARTH'S TECTONIC PLATES ARETRYING TO PLAY YOU OFF STAGE.

[LAUGHTER]SO TWO MORE YEARS FOR CHARLIE

RANGEL TO CONTINUE TO PAY OFFHIS DOMINICAN REPUBLIC TIMESHARE

-- I MEAN REPRESENT THE GOODPEOPLE OF NEW YORK.

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