Monster's Fall

  • Aired:  05/09/11
  •  | Views: 89,025

U.S. intelligence officials uncover Osama bin Laden's jihad Snuggie, dong syrup and gray beard. (3:12)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY

SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WHAT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

ACTRESS KAREN KNIGHTLY WILL BE

JOINING US TONIGHT.

BUT FIRST LET'S MOVE ON TO

WHAT THE LATEST DEVELOPMENTS

ARE IN THE DEATH OF OSAMA BIN

BIDEN.

WHAT?

IS THERE ANY ONE OF OUR

LEADERS NAMES THAT CAN NOT BE

CONFUSED WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN?

ANYWAY, I'VE SHOOTING BIN

LADEN IN THE HEAD AND THROWING

HIM IN THE OCEAN... DO YOU

WANT ME TO SOFT SELL THIS TO

YOU?

NO.

THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE LAST

BIT UNFINISHED BUSINESS TO GO

THROUGH ALL OF THIS (BEEP).

AS IT TURNS OUT BIN LADEN WAS

A RARE COMBINATION.

NOT ONLY WAS HE EVIL, HE WAS

LAME.

>> A NEW PICTURE OF OSAMA BIN

LADEN IS EMERGING TONIGHT.

>> A HAGGARD OSAMA BIN LADEN

WATCHING HIMSELF ON TV.

>> SITTING ON THE FLOOR

COVERING BY A BLANKET, REMOTE

CONTROL IN HAND.

>> Jon: JUST SITTING THERE ALL

ALONE, GRAY, ROCKING BACK AND

FORTH.

WATCHING TV.

WRAPPED IN A BLANKET.

CAUSE HE'S COLD BUT TOO DAMNED

CHEAP TO TURN THE HEAT ON.

THIS GUY, THIS GUY, THIS

GUY... WAIT A MINUTE.

CAN I SEE THAT SHOT OF ME

WATCHING THIS FOOTAGE OVER THE

WEEKEND?

SON OF A BITCH.

NO!

NO.

( APPLAUSE )

YOU KNOW, OSAMA, WE WEREN'T SO

DIFFERENT, YOU AND I.

EXCEPT OF COURSE FOR YOU BEING

THE WORLD'S MOST EVIL MAN AND

MY UNREKITED LOVE FOR THE

BUGLES.

BUT HOME VIDEO OF BIN LADEN IN

HIS JIHAD SNUGGIE WASN'T THE

MOST EMBARRASSING THING WE

FOUND.

>> AND THEY FOUND A SYRUP

WHICH ACCORDING TO FOLKLORE IN

THAT PART OF THE WORLD AT

LEAST CAN BE USED FOR VIRILITY

ENHANCEMENT.

>> Jon: YES, YES.

WE'RE NOT SO DIFFERENT, YOU

AND I.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BIG DEAL.

SO AN OLD GUY WITH SIX WIVES

NEEDED TO USE A LITTLE DONG

SYRUP.

WHAT ELSE DID WE FIND?

>> LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE.

THE CANDID SHOTS, THE GRAY

BEARD.

THE PROPAGANDA TAPE.

THE BEARD HAS BEEN DYED BLACK.

>> Jon: HE DYES HIS BEARD?

YOU KNOW, NOW I FEEL BAD FOR

THE COURIER WHO HAD TO DO

OSAMA'S SHOPPING AT THE

ABBOTTABAD CVS.

"I NEED YOU TO GO TO THE STORE

AND GET ME SOME, WHAT YOU CALL,

JUICE AND THREE BOXES OF THE

JUST FOR MAD MEN.

I WANT TO LOOK MY BEST WHILE

DOING MY WORK."

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