On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix

  • Aired:  07/16/13
  •  | Views: 20,655

It's hard work, waiting for someone else to push a nine-pound human out of her golden vagina. (3:38)

>> WELCOME BACK.

I KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE AND

EXCITEDLY AWAITING THE MOST

IMPORTANT EVENT IN WORLD

HISTORY.

>> THE SUSPECTED DUE DATE OF THE

ROYAL HARE HAS COME AND GONE

HERE IN LONDON AND STILL NO BABY

JUST YET.

>> John: NO, NO, NO, NO STORY.

I REFUSE TO WAIT ANY LONGER.

WE'RE KICKING OFF OUR COVERAGE.

ROLL IT.

OKAY.

OKAY.

SO, OKAY.

I GUESS THE KEY QUESTION NOW IS

WHERE IS MY [BLEEP] BABY?

>> SOMEONE ELSE AT THE PALACE

SAID IT COULD BE NEXT WEEK, NEXT

TUESDAY.

>> BY THE END OF THE WEEK HE OR

SHE WILL BE BORN.

>> John: YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE SHOULD NOT BE RUSHING THIS.

IT TAKES NINE MONTHS JUST TO

MAKE A COMMON BABY.

A ROYAL INFANT NEEDS TO STEEP

FOR A YEAR, MAYBE TWO, MATURING

LIKE A FINE CLARET BEFORE

SAUNTERING OUT OF THE WOMB IN

FORMAL DRESS AND SAYING I'M

SORRY, WERE YOU WAITING FOR ME?

I MUST BE FASHIONABLY LATE.

YOU KNOW, I'M EXCITED JUST

COVERING THE BIRTH FROM HERE.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE THRILL OF

REPORTING IT LIVE FROM LONDON.

>> THE COUNTRY IS DOING WHAT

WILLIAM AND KATE ARE DOING.

FRANKLY WHAT WE'RE DOING IS

WAITING.

>> GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW LONG

YOU'LL BE STANDING OUTSIDE THAT

HOSPITAL.

WE HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LONG.

>> PLEASE, WILLIE, DON'T JINX

ME.

MY FINGERS ARE CROSSED.

>> THE SUN IS GETTING TO US A

BIT, CAROL.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU, WE NEED THIS

BABY TO COME SOONER RATHER THAN

LATER.

LET'S JUST SAY THAT.

>> John: I'M SORRY.

FOR YOU IT'S SUCH HARD WORK

STANDING AROUND WAITING FOR

SOMEONE ELSE TO PUSH A

NINE-POUND HUMAN OUT OF HER

GOLDEN VAGINA.

HOW CAN YOU BE SO JADED ABOUT

THIS?

IT'S NOT JUST A ROYAL BIRTH

THAT'S EXCITING.

IT'S HOW IT'S ANNOUNCED.

>> A BIRTH NOTICE WILL BE

WRITTEN AT THE HOSPITAL.

THE NOTICE WILL BE DRIVEN BY A

POLICE ESCORT FROM THE LINDO

WING AT ST. MARY'S HOSPITAL TO

BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

AND THEN TWO SIMULTANEOUS BUT

SEPARATE GUN SALUTES.

AND 62-ROUND SALUTE AT THE TOWER

OF LONDON.

>> John: THAT'S RIGHT.

CANNONS, MOTHER [BLEEP].

HOW ABOUT THAT.

CANNONS.

LET ME ASK YOU.

AT BEST SHE GOT NICK CAN NONE,

THAN THAT IS IS NOT AS GOOD.

NOW, NORMALLY WHEN WE BRITISH

PUBLIC GET WORKED UP, WE RIOT.

BUT THIS IS A MUCH MORE

DIGNIFIED OCCASION.

>> I JUST THINK IT'S EXCITING.

T WILL BE EXCITING TO SEE

HOW THE QUEEN REACTS.

>> REASON ENOUGH FOR THE

EXPECTANT PUBLIC TO LOOK ITS

BEST.

>> John: IT'S RESPECTFUL.

ISN'T IT?

I CAN'T MEET A ROYAL BABY WITH

PEACH FUZZ.

WHAT IF HE WANTS TO TOUCH ME

FACE?

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, YOUR ROYAL

HIGHNESS, THOSE OTHERS MIGHT BE

GETTING BORED WAITING BUT I CAN

DO THIS ALL DAY.

I AM NOT LEAVING THIS DESK UNTIL

YOU HAVE THAT BABY.

I AM IN THIS FOR THE LONG HAUL.

YOUR MOVE, PRINCESS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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