Uncle Jonny Stew's Good Time Syria Jamboree

  • Aired:  09/03/13
  •  | Views: 347,557

Syria's Bashar al-Assad crosses the line of what the American government feels is the appropriate way to kill people. (6:14)

>> Stewart: WELCOME TO THE

SHOW!

>> I WAS VERY MUCH HOPING, THAT

A BIG STORY WOULD BREAK DURING

THE COMMERCIAL SO WE WOULDN'T

HAVE TO TALK ABOUT SYRIA BUT

THAT DID NOT HAPPEN.

OBVIOUSLY IT IS A DARK STORY BUT

WE DO HERE A MAGIC COMEDY SHOW.

YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT

SO YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE WE GO.

>> I AM JOHNNY STEW'S GOOD TIME

SYRIA JAMBOREE!

>> REMINDS ME OF A YOKE.

SO SAUDI ARABIA, QATAR AND SYRIA

WALK INTO A BAR CALLED AMERICA

IS NOT PLANNING ON BOMBING YOU

T-BAR TENDER SAYS, I DON'T THINK

YOU SHOULD BE IN HERE, SYRIA.

AFTER CAREFUL DELIBERATION I

HAVE DECIDED THAT UNITED STATES

SHOULD TAKE MILITARY ACTION

AGAINST SYRIAN REGIME TARGETS.

>> Stewart: WOW, AMERICA

TAKING MILITARY ACTION AGAINST

THE MIDDLE EAST REGIME.

IT IS LIKE I NEVER LEFT.

SO WHAT BROUGHT THE PRESIDENT TO

THIS DECISION.

>> 50 TONS OF MUSTARD GAS IN A

TURKEY FARM.

>> Stewart: ACTUALLY THAT IS

THE WRONG PRESIDENT, THE WRONG

PRESIDENT.

AND THAT IS A DIFFERENT COUNTRY.

>> LEAVE KUWAIT OR BE DRIVEN

OUT.

>> Stewart: OKAY.

THAT IS THE SAME COUNTRY, AND

FAMILY, BUT IT IS A SLIGHTLY

DIFFERENT WAR.

>> TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR

INDEPENDENCE DAY!

>> Stewart: THAT WAS A

FICTIONAL PRESIDENT AND TO BE

FAIR, THAT WAR WAS PRETTY

JUSTIFIED!

>> THEY HAVE EVIDENCE THAT

CHEMICAL WEAPONS WERE USED IN

THAT ATTACK IN SYRIA TWO WEEKS

AGO.

>> BLOOD AND HAIR SAMPLES THAT

HAVE COME TO US, HAVE TESTED

POSITIVE FOR SIGNATURES OF

SARIN.

>> Stewart: THAT'S THE ONE,

THAT'S THE ONE! WE ARE TALKING

ABOUT SIGNATURES OF SARIN, YEAH.

>> I ASSUME THAT IS DIFFERENT

FROM THE NEW FRAGRANCE OF THE

SAME NAME.

SIGNATURES OF SARIN.

BECAUSE LOVE IS BLIND NOW.

>> CAME BACK TO THE, CAME BACK

TO A DARK, DARK PLACE.

NOW IF MEMORY SERVES, 100,000

SYRIANS HAVE ALREADY DIED DURING

THE CONFLICT WITH PRESIDENT

BASHAR AL-ASSAD, ALREADY WITH NO

MILITARY INTERVENTION,

INTERVENTION FROM THE WEST, SO

WHY NOW?

>> DAILY SHOW FLASHBACK CLIP TO

AUGUST 2012.

>> WE HAVE BEEN VERY CLEAR TO

THE ASSAD REGIME BUT ALSO TO

OTHER PLAYERS ON THE GROUND THAT

A RED LINE FOR US IS WE START

SEEING A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHEMICAL

WEAPONS MOVING AROUND OR BEING

UTILIZED.

>> Stewart: YOU CAN'T USE

CHEMICALS TO USE YOUR OWN

PEOPLE.

YOU HAVE TO DO IT ORGANICALLY.

AMERICA AND THE WORLD WANTS THAT

YOU ONLY USE LOCALLY HOMEGROWN

ORDINANCE.

NOW BACK IN THE EARLY EIGHTIES

WHEN IRAQ USED CHEMICAL WEAPONS

AGAINST IRAN AND NOT ONLY DID WE

NOT ATTACK THEM WE SUPPORTED

IRAQ AND STILL RESERVE THE RIGHT

TO USE THE CLUSTER BOMBS AND

MARK 77 WHICH IS NOT, NOT FILLED

WITH NAPALM, TECHNICALLY.

>> SO DUO THE FACT WE HAVE NO

IDEA WHO WOULD HAVE CONTROL OVER

THESE CHEMICAL WEAPONS, REMIND

US AGAIN WHY WE HAVE TO DO THIS?

>> THE DANGER IS THE MORE

RELUCTANT YOU ARE AND THE MORE

DELIBERATIVE YOU ARE, THE DANGER

IS YOU CAN START LOOKING WEAK.

>> IF THEY SENSE THAT STRENGTH

IS NOT THERE, THAT WEAKNESS HAS

REPLACED IT THEN THEY GO THEIR

OWN WAY.

>> BULLIES AND TYRANTS DON'T

RESPECT WEAKNESS.

>> Stewart: SO WE HAVE TO BOMB

SYRIA BECAUSE WE ARE IN SEVENTH

GRADE! AND THE RED LINE -- THE

RED LINE THAT THEY CROSSED IS

ACTUALLY A DICK MEASURING

RIBBON.

WHY DOES HOLDING BACK LOOK LIKE

WEAKNESS? DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE

MATURITY.

LIKE THE GUY PICKING ON CLARK

KENT DOESN'T REACT ALTHOUGH HE

COULD THROW THE GUY INTO THE

SUN.

>> THIS IS WHAT IS REAL

WEAKNESS, CLARK KENT LAYING

WASTE TO A TOWN BECAUSE SOMEONE

CALLED HIM A PUSSY.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS WEAKNESS

ASKING THE ADVICE FROM A PARADE

OF EXPERTS THAT GOT IT WRONG ON

IRAQ OR AS IS KNOWN IN CABLE,

EXPERTS.

>> I HOPE HE ACTS IN SYRIA, I

HOPE HE ACTS IN A MUCH MORE

VIGOROUS AND ROBUST SENSE.

>> THE IDEA OF DEMYSTIFYING WHAT

YOU ARE GOING TO DO FOR THE

ENEMY IS MINDLESS.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT THEY ARE

THINKING.

>> I WISH WE HAD INTERVENED AND

HE COULD HAVE INTERVENED A YEAR

AGO TWO, YEARS AGO.

>> Stewart: HEY, EVERYBODY,

THE IDIOT PARADE IS IN TOWN!

>> SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP! SHUT

THE (BLEEP) UP! SHUT THE

(BLEEP) UP! SHUT THE (BLEEP)

UP! SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP! SHUT

THE (BLEEP) UP!

>> SCHUPP THE (BLEEP) UP!

>> Stewart: JUST WROTE THAT

SONG TODAY.

ALL RIGHT.

ASSAD HAS CROSSED THE LINE OF

WHAT WE PEEL IS THE APPROPRIATE

WAY TO KILL PEOPLE.

SO WE HAVE TO SEND POWERFUL

MESSAGE TO THE WORLD.

CHEMICAL WEAPONS WILL NOT BE

TOLERATED.

>> WE WOULD NOT PUT BOOTS ON THE

GROUND.

INSTEAD OUR ACTION WOULD BE

DESIGNED TO BE LIMITED IN

DURATION AND SCOPE.

>> Stewart: YOU ARE SAYING THE

ONLY WAY TO KEEP AMERICA'S PENIS

FROM LOOKING SMALL IS TO TAKE A

SOMEWHAT INEFFECTIVE ACTION

PURPOSEFULLY DESIGNED TO

ACCOMPLISH VERY LITTLE.

WE WILL CALL IT OPERATION JUST

THE TIP.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Stewart: BY THE WAY,

OPERATION JUST THE TIP ONE OF

MILTON BRADLEY'S LEAST POPULAR

GAMES.

>> YOU BUTT IN THE SHAFT!

PRETTY SNEAKY!

>> WE WILL BE RIGHT

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