Back in Black - Lance Armstrong, Butt Chugging & Farm Animal Sex

  • Aired:  10/16/12
  •  | Views: 294,620

Lewis Black wonders why everyone isn't doping, examines the "butt chugging" phenomenon and finds the one honest man in America. (6:12)

FACTORY ON THE OUTSIDE.

I WANT THIS TO BE OVER.

WITH ALL THE FOCUS ON THE

CAMPAIGN WE MISS INTERESTING

STORIES.

>> THE UNITED STATES ANTI-DOPING

AGENCY HAS RELEASED WHAT IT

CALLS OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE THAT

SEVEN TIME TOUR DE FRANCE WINNER

LANCE ARMSTRONG DOPED THROUGHOUT

HIS PROFESSIONAL CYCLING CAREER.

1,000 PAGES OF EVIDENCE AND

SWORN STATEMENTS BY 26 PEOPLE

INCLUDING 11 OF HIS FORMER

TEAMMATES.

THE USADA CALLED IT THE MOST SEW

FIST DATED AND PROACIALIZED

DOPING -- PROFESSIONALIZED

DOPING PROGRAM THE SPORT HAS

EVER SEEN.

>> Jon: TAKE THAT OTHER DOPING

PROGRAMS.

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

MY GOD SUDDENLY I'M MUSSOLINI.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OF COURSE, ARMSTRONG FOR YEARS

HAS DENIED THE ALLEGES.

HAS HONESTY FALLEN THROUGH THE

CRACKS IN AMERICA?

LEWIS BLACK IS HERE WITH MORE

"BACK IN BLACK."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH

LANCE ARMSTRONG?

EVERYBODY WHO HAS EVER KNOWN HIM

SAYS HE WAS DOPING.

EVERYBODY WHO EVER RODE WITH

HIM, EVERYBODY WHO EVER SLEPT

WITH HIM, EVERYBODY WHO JAMMED A

NEEDLE IN HIS TANK.

THEY ALL SAY HE WAS DOPING.

BUT NOT LANCE.

>> AFTER A DECADE OF FIGHTING

WITH THE UNITED STATES

ANTI-DOPING AGENCY PROFESSIONAL

CYCLIST LANCE ARMSTRONG HAS

GIVEN UP.

>> HE INSISTS HE IS INNOCENT BUT

SAYS HE'S TIRED OF FIGHTING.

THESE THINGS TAKE TIME AND

ENERGY AND SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF

YOU.

>> THAT SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF

YOU.

YOU WIN A 2,000 MILE BIKE RACE

SEVEN YEARS IN A ROW AND GOING

TO COURT ONCE A MONTH IS TOO

MUCH WORK?

BUT I SUPPOSE THIS DOES EXPLAIN

HIS NEW DENY STRONG BRACELET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOK, I DON'T CARE THAT LANCE

ARMSTRONG WAS DOPING I CARE HE

WON'T ADMIT IT.

>> THE CHARACTERISTICS ARE

NOTHING SHORT AFTER SUNDAY TING.

>> POSSIBLY THE BEST ENDURANCE

ATHLETE IN THE WORLD.

>> HIS HEART CAN BEAT TWICE THAT

OF A NORMAL PERSON.

>> GETS ALMOST DOUBLE THE AMOUNT

OF OXYGEN OUT OF EVERY BREATH

THAN A HEALTHY 20-YEAR-OLD

WOULD.

HIS MUSCLES CAN GO HARDER AND

LONGER WITHOUT MAJOR FATIGUE.

>> HE HAD CANCER IN HIS LUNGS,

BRAIN, TESTICLES, HE WENT

INFLUENCE CHEMO AND LOST ONE OF

HIS BALLS FOR CHRIST SAKE AND HE

IS GETTING DOUBLE THE OXYGEN OUT

OF EVER BREATH.

THE QUESTION SHOULDN'T BE: WAS

HE DOPING?

THE QUESTION SHOULD BE: WHY

AREN'T ALL OF US DOPE SOMETHING

IN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GET WINDED LIGHTING A

CIGARETTE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THINK OF THE KIDS.

I MEAN, IF A HERO LIKE LANCE

ARMSTRONG WON'T TAKE

RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT THERE'S

NO TELLING WHAT THEY MIGHT DO IF

THEY THINK THEY CAN JUST DENY

IT.

>> I SWEAR TO EACH AND EVERY ONE

OF YOU THAT EVERY ALLEGATION OF

GROSS AND IMMORAL ACTIVITY OF

CHUGGING OF ALCOHOL NEVER TOOK

PLACE AT THE PI KAPPA ALPHA

HOUSE.

>> FIRST THINGS FIRST.

HATS OFF TO THE BROTHERS IN THE

BACKGROUND FOR SOMEHOW KEEPING A

STRAIGHT FACE WHILE ORVILLE RED

ENBALKER LAWYER SAYS BUTT

CHUGGING.

>> AN ACTIVITY CALLED BUTT

CHUGGING THAT IS THE FIRST TIME

HE HAS EVER HEARD OF THE TWO

WORDS BUTT CHUGGING, BUTT

CHUGGING, WE ASKED SATURDAY

ANDER FEFS BUTT CHUGGING AND HIS

COMMENT WAS, WHAT IN THE WORLD

IS THAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?

IT'S WHERE YOU CHUG WITH YOUR

BUTT.

DON'T THEY TEACH ENGLISH TELL

UNIVERSITY OF -- ENGLISH AT THE

UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE?

WHAT IS SO BAD AT BUTT CHUGGING

ANYWAYS.

YOU TELL ME I CAN DRINK AND

SMOKE AT THE SAME TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN THIS?

I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB

HERE AND SAY NOTHING COULD BE

WORSE THAN THIS.

>> CARLOS ARE MEARS WAS ARRESTED

ON MONDAY IN A WARRANT FOR

CRIEWLT AT THIS TO ANIMALS.

HE IS ACCUSED OF PERFORMING SEX

ACTS WITH A 22 MONTH OLD DONKEY

NAMED DOODLE.

OKAY, I GUESS THAT WAS WORSE.

IN HIS DEFENSE, THAT DOODLE IS

ONE SWEET PIECE OF ASS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THIS GUY ACTUALLY GOT CAUGHT

IN THE ACT.

BUT YOU KNOW AMERICANS, I'M SURE

HE WILL FIND SOME WAY TO DENY

IT.

>> I'VE BEEN WORKING ON A LOT OF

DIFFERENT FARMS AND BUILT A LOT

OF DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS WITH

OTHER ANIMALS.

>> BUT I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL

RELATIONS WITH THAT DONKEY

DOODLE.

>> I MAY LOVE MY ANIMALS IN

DIFFERENT WAYS BUT THAT DOES NOT

MEAN I DO NOT LOVE MY ANIMALS.

>> WAIT A MINUTE, YOU ARE NOT

GOING TO DENY THIS, ARE YOU?

>> PONIES AND DONKEYS --

>> HALLELUJAH, WE FOUND THE ONE

HONEST MAN IN AMERICA.

AND HE'S A DONKEY (bleep).

JON?

>> Jon: THANK YOU LEWIS.

LEWIS BLACK.

BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS,

LEWIS BLACK, SOLD OUT SHOWS ON

BROADWAY KICKING CRAZY ASS.

LEWIS CONGRATULATIONS ON T

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