Jon Stewart Tries to Figure Out What He's Allowed to Put in His Mouth

  • Aired:  06/07/12
  •  | Views: 148,079

In New York, a proposed bill would levy a harsher monetary penalty for selling 16 ounces of soda than it would for carrying 25 grams of pot. (5:55)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

I'M SORRY, I'M STILL ADJUSTING TO LIFE UNDER MAYOR BLOOMBERG'S NEWED

SOAL-- SODA RESTRICTIONS.

(LAUGHTER) I THINK THIS IS LESS THAN 16 OUNCES, PROBABLY THE SMALLER SIZE, BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.

WHAT ELSE HAS BEEN GOING ON IN NEW YORK?

>> NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO JUST UNVEILED A PLAN TO DECRIMINALIZE MARIJUANA,

MEANING ANYONE QUOTE WITH THE SMALL AMOUNT OF THE DRUG WOULDN'T BE CHARGED WITH A CRIME.

NEW YORK CITY'S MAYOR AND POLICE COMMISSIONER ARE ON BOARD WITH THIS NEW PLAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

TWO THINGS HERE.

FIRST, AWESOME.

AND SECOND, AND SECOND, WHAT THE WHAT?

WHAT THE WHO?

SO MELLOW YELLOW, NO.

MELLOW YELLOW, YES.

(LAUGHTER) CRIMINALIZING SOFT DRINKS AND DECRIMINALIZING SOFT DRUGS T THIS BRINGS TO US

OUR NUG SEGMENT JON STEWART TRIES TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE IS GOING TO PUT IN HIS MOUTH.

REALLYING THAT IS HOW WE ARE GOING TO TIGHT THEY WILL?

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, AND I'M ONLY ASKING FOR A FRIEND F THIS BILL DOES PASS, HOW

MUCH MARIJUANA WOULD SOMEONE NOW BE ALLOWED TO CARRY AROUND?

>> UNDER CUOMO'S PLAN HAVING 25 GRAMS OF POT IN PUBLIC WOULD ONLY BE A VIOLATION,

NOT A MISDEMEANOR.

>> Jon: LOLLY-- 25 GRAMS?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT IS?

SERIOUSLY, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEA BECAUSE I DON'T-- I HAVEN'T-- I DON'T USE THE

METRIC SYSTEM.

I HAVEN'T SINCE-- SINCE 5th GRADE.

I MEAN I KNOW A GRAM IS PRETTY SMALL, SO WHAT ARE WE TALKING BECOMES LIKE YOU GET

TO CARRY AROUND A SUDAFED WORTH OF POT, ENOUGH TO GET A MOUSE HIGH, LIKE

WHAT-- HOW MUCH IS 25-- OH,

LET ME GET MY BIG BOOK OF USELESS METRIC CONVERSION INFORMATION OUT BECAUSE IT

WEIGHS EXACTLY 25 GRAMS.

WOW.

THAT IS A LOT OF POT.

IT'S PRETTY HEAVY.

IN FACT, 25 GRAMS IS NEARLY-- OH O AN OUNCE OF WEED.

THAT'S 8/8th OF WEED OR DEPENDING ON YOUR DEALER 9/8th.

HOW WOULD SOMEONE WHO KNOWS VERY LITTLE ABOUT POT DESCRIBE THAT AMOUNT.

>> BEING ABLE TO JUST WALK AROUND WITH 10 JOINTS IN EACH EAR AND IT ONLY BE A

VIOLATION I THINK THAT'S-- (LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: 10 EAR JOINTS IN EACH EAR?

FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T KNOW IF IS THERE ANYONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD WITH BIG ENOUGH EARS

AN ENOUGH EXPERIENCE WITH POT TO ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO DO-- OH YEAH, OKAY,

THAT-- ALL RIGHT.

HE HAS GOT TO CRACK DOWN ON THOSE PHOTOS FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

BUT ALL DUE RESPECT TO STATE SENATOR FRAN NARKINGTON HERE,

I'M NOT TAKING HIS WORD ON HOW MANY JOINTS 25 GRAMS IS.

YOU FOE WHAT I BOUGHT AN OUNCE OF POT AWHILE AGO WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I THINK I

MIGHT HAVE STASHED IT IN ONE OF MY LP RECORD ALBUMS.

HOLD ON.

LET ME SORT THROUGH HERE, I HAVE GOT LED ZEPPELIN, PETER FRAMPTON, CAPTAIN AND TEN

ILL, ANOTHER CAPTAIN AND TEN ILL IN CASE THAT CAPTAIN AND TEN IL SCRATCHED.

I GOT BREAD, CREAM, PEAT LOAF, HOT CHOCOLATE, VANILLA FUDGE, NEVER BUY LPs WHEN ARE YOU HUNGRY.

HERE WE GO.

LET ME SEE.

IT'S-- I KEPT IT IN MY DARK SIDE OF THE MOON, HERE IT IS,

YEAH, IT'S-- YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT, THAT'S-- OH

[BLEEP] THAT'S A LOT OF WEED.

IT'S LIKE WILLIE NELSON BREAKFAST BURRITO RIGHT HERE.

THAT'S JUST LIKE A-- (APPLAUSE) NOW IF THIS BILL PASSES, LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR.

IF THIS BILL PASSES AND YOU GET CAUGHT WITH ALL THIS,

YOU GET $100 FINE.

MEANWHILE, IF A BUSINESS SHELLS-- SELLS YOU A SODA,

THAT SIZE THAT IS A $200 FINE.

SO JUST TO BE CLEAR, THIS SODA IS TWICE AS ILLEGAL-- (LAUGHTER)

>> AS THIS MUCH WEED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU KNOW WHAT?

AND YOU KNOW, HERE'S THE SAD THING.

THEY GO TOGETHER SO WELL.

(LAUGHTER) I THINK YOU ARE GAEING TO NEED A SYSTEM TO KNOW HOW TO MANAGE THE CRIMINALIZED

DRUGS AND CRIMINALIZED SNACK.

AND HOW MUCH OF THEM YOU CAN HAVE.

LIKE A NEW WEIGHT WATCHERS POINT SYSTEM.

SO WE'RE CLEAR ON WHICH COMBINATIONS OF WHICH WILL KEEP US OUT OF JAIL LIKE A

SMACK AND SNACK CALCULATOR IF YOU WILL.

YOU COULD GET 15 POINTS A DAY SO IF YOU FELT LIKE SMOKING TWO JOINTS, YOU

COULD WASH IT DOWN WITH A 7 POINT SNACK LIKE A SLIM JIM.

BOOM.

THAT IS YOUR 15 POINTS FOR THE DAY.

ARE YOU GOING OUT DANCING, I DON'T THINK ANYONE DOES THAT WITHOUT TWO HITS OF ECSTASY

SO-- OH LOOKS LIKE DIN CERTIFICATE ONLY ONE FUN ON.

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING,

BUT JOHN, BUT JOHN WHAT IF TV LAND IS RUNNING A GILLIGAN ISLAND MARATHON.

YOU CAN DIP INTO YOUR FLEX POINT OS.

WE'RE NOT [BLEEP].

GET YOURSELF THREE OUNCES OF WEED, A COUPLE OF BIG MACS,

FRIBBLES AND HAVE A BLAST.

JUST KNOW ARE YOU IN FOR A MONTH OF COTTAGE CHEESE AND SOBRIETY.

(LAUGHTER) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

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