Ted

  • Aired:  05/01/13
  •  | Views: 130,766

Aspiring presidential hopeful and beloved Texas freedom fighter Ted Cruz turns out to be nothing but a dirty syrup guzzler. (5:48)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

HEY, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.

IF A FEW MINUTES WE'LL BE JOINED

BY KAY BAILEY HUTCHISON THE

GREAT SENATOR FROM THE GREAT

STATE OF TEXAS.

HUTCHINSON'S SEAT OCCUPIED BY

ANOTHER REPUBLICAN.

YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS TED CRUZ, AN

EMAIL HE FIRES OFF AS A CRUISE

MISSILE.

THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO WE HAVE

FOR HIM.

MONTHS INTO TED CRUZ'S FIRST

TERM, HOW IS HE GETTING ALONG?

>> HE'S ANGERING VETERAN

DEMOCRATS WITH CALIFORNIA'S

DIANNE FEINSTEIN CALLING HIM

ARROGANT DURING THE DEBATE OVER

GUN CONTROL.

>> I'M NOT A SIXTH GRADER.

Jon: OF COURSE NOT.

NO, SIXTH GRADER WITH ANY

SENSE OF SELF-RESPECT WOULD

STILL BE IN THE SENATE.

BUT THOSE ARE DEMOCRATS, OF

COURSE.

THEY'RE GOING TO HATE SENATOR

TED CRUZ.

AS LONG AS TED'S OWN PARTY HAS

HIS BACK.

>> HE'S ALSO RAISING HACKLES

AMONG THE OLD GUARD IN HIS OWN

PARTY.

WHEN HE QUESTIONED DEFENSE

SECRETARY NOMINEE CHUCK HAGEL'S

FINANCIAL DISCLOSURES, JOHN

McCAIN GAVE CRUZ A SCOLDING.

McCAIN WENT ON TO CALL CREWS A

WACKO BIRD.

>> Jon: OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T.

DID YOU NOT CALL SOMEONE A WACKO

BIRD BECAUSE THAT IS A WEIRD

INSULT.

AND NOBODY REALLY KNOWS WHAT

THAT MEANS.

I MEAN YOU'RE NOT A SIXTH

GRADER.

SO WHAT DID CRUZ SAY TO HAGEL?

TO GET SLAPPED WITH THE WACKO

BIRD LABEL.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF MR. HAGEL HAS

RECEIVED FUNDS DIRECTLY OR

INDIRECTLY FROM FOREIGN SOURCES.

IT IS AT A MINIMUM RELEVANT TO

KNOW IF THAT $200,000 THAT HE

DEPOSITED IN HIS BANK ACCOUNT

CAME DIRECTLY FROM SAUDI ARABIA,

CAME DIRECTLY FROM NORTH KOREA.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

IT MAY BE THAT HE SPOKE AT

RADICAL OR EXTREME GROUPS OR

ANTI-ISRAEL GROUPS AND ACCEPTED

FINANCIAL COMPENSATION.

WE DON'T KNOW.

>> Jon: HE MIGHT [BLEEP].

I DON'T KNOW.

THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS ONE MUST

RAISE IN A CONFIRMATION HEARING

WITH A COLLEAGUE OF MANY OF THE

OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS PANEL WHO

THINK... I DON'T KNOW.

DOES HE?

DOES HE?

HERE'S THE THING.

DOES HE HAVE A PUPPY?

SO CRUZ IS NOT A WACKO BIRD.

HE'S JUST A "TAKE THINGS OUT OF

CONTEXT TO CREATE A FALSE

IMPRESSION OF GUILT" BIRD.

SO IT SEEMS ACROSS THE BOARD THE

REVIEWS ON CRUZ HAVE COME IN.

>> HE'S BEEN CALLED THE MOST

HATED MAN IN THE SENATE.

>> Jon: WOW.

THAT'S NO EASY FEAT.

THAT'S BEING LIKE THE LOWEST

RATED SHOW ON NBC.

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN BELCH?

IT'S ALREADY BEEN RENEWED.

FOR A SENATOR SO WIDELY DESPISED

BY HIS COLLEAGUES THERE'S ONLY

ONE PLACE TO GO.

>> TED CRUZ IS CONSIDERING A

PRESIDENTIAL RUN.

>> Jon: YES.

WHY LIMIT YOURSELF TO BEING

HATED BY YOUR COLLEAGUES WHEN

YOU COULD BE HATED BY THE WHOLE

COUNTRY?

OR MAYBE HE'S JUST A MODERN-DAY

MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON

STANDING UP TO HIS COLLEAGUES ON

BEHALF OF AMERICAN VALUES.

>> PART OF THE PHILOSOPHY OF

PRESIDENT OBAMA AND THIS

ADMINISTRATION IS TRYING TO GET

AS MANY AMERICANS AS POSSIBLE

DEPENDENT ON GOVERNMENT SO THAT

THEY THE DEMOCRATS CAN STAY IN

POWER IN PERPETUITY.

>> THERE IS AN ONGOING EFFORT TO

UNDERMINE UNITED STATES

SOVEREIGNTY.

WE NEED TO AUDIT THE FED.

EXTENDING BACKGROUND CHECKS TO

PRIVATE TRANSACTIONS BETWEEN

PRIVATE INDIVIDUALS.

I BELIEVE IT WOULD PUT US

INEXORABLY ON THE PATH TO A

NATIONAL GUN REGISTRY.

>> Jon: AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE

THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS LACED

WITH FLUORIDE TO DULL YOU INTO

HANDING OVER YOUR GUNS.

THE GUY IS JUST YOUR RUN OF THE

MILL CONSTITUTIONAL FRINGE RIGHT

TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK IN THE

SOCIALIST KENYAN TEA-PARTY TYPE

GUY WHICH IS WHAT THAIKS THIS

LAST PART OF THE STORY SO...

>> ARE YOU ELIGIBLE TO RUN FOR

PRESIDENT?

YOU WERE BORN IN CANADA.

>> Jon: OH, CANADA.

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

OUR BELOVED TEXAS FREEDOM

FIGHTER IS NOTHING BUT A DIRTY

SYRUP GUZZLER.

WHAT A TERRIBLE TWIST, EH?

HE'S A FOREIGNER.

HOW IS CRUZ GOING TO DEAL WITH

THAT ONE?

>> I'LL LEAVE THOSE QUESTIONS TO

OTHERS TO WORRY ABOUT.

>> Jon: REALLY?

LEAVE IT TO OTHERS.

I KNOW SOMEONE WHO COULD LOOK

INTO IT.

HEY, DONALD.

HEY, DONALD.

CALL THE BIRTHER TEAM BACK FROM

HAWAII.

BY THE WAY, DID YOU KNOW DONALD

TRUMP'S BIRTH NAME IS [BLEEP]

CLOWNSTICK.

WHAT'S HE HIDING?

YES, THAT'S ALL OVER TWITTER.

I HOPE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT

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