Barack and the Giant Speech - Spirit Raising Time

  • Aired:  02/13/13
  •  | Views: 36,024

President Obama delivers the State of the Union, and introduces 102-year-old Florida voter Desiline Victor to America. (4:34)

PEOPLE GOT NAUSEOUS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LISTEN, BARACK OBAMA, YOU LAID

OUT THE TERRIBLE THINGS IN THIS

COUNTRY.

I BELIEVE IT'S SPIRIT RAISING

TIME AND THE POWER OF WHAT WE

CAN ACCOMPLISH TOGETHER WITH THE

GOVERNMENT, THROUGH LAWS,

INITIATIVE AND ADMINISTRATIVE

ACTS.

>> NO LAWS, NO INITIATIVES, NO

ADMINISTRATIVE ACTS WILL

PERFECTLY SOLVE ALL THE

CHALLENGES I'VE OUTLINED

TONIGHT.

BUT WE WERE NEVER SENT HERE TO

BE PERFECT.

>> Jon: YOU ARE (bleep)

KILLING ME.

YOU ARE KILLING ME!

NO ONE IS EXPECTING PERFECTION

JUST, YOU KNOW, EXPECTING THAT

THROUGH COORDINATING EFFORT WE

CAN LOWER THE UNSAFE BRIDGE

COUNT IN THIS COUNTRY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TO FOUR FIGURE TERRITORY.

9,000, 8,000.

I GET WE'RE NOT PERFECT.

HOW DO WE START?

>> EVERY DAY WE SHOULD ASK

OURSELVES THREE QUESTIONS AS A

NATION.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, LET ME TRY.

STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE

BEFORE.

WHICH OF THE 70,000 BRIDGES ARE

NEAR MY HOUSE?

[LAUGHTER]

NUMBER TWO, ARE THE TUNNELS

OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

AND NUMBER THREE, HOW DID HE

MEET THEIR MOTHER BECAUSE IF

IT'S SOMETHING LIKE IN A BAR OR

ON A J-DATE I'M GOING BE ANO, ID

BECAUSE I PUT EIGHT YEARS INTO

THIS (bleep).

IF THEY COME OUT WITH I WOKE UP

AND THERE SHE WAS, NO.

SO -- MY LIPS ARE JUST SO --

IT'S SO HOT IN HERE.

I'M SWEATING AND EATING

SALTINES.

YOU WOULD THINK AS A VETERAN OF

TELEVISION PRODUCTION I WOULD

KNOW, BUT I DON'T.

GOT NEWS FOR BARACK OBAMA IS

EVEN WITH THE SORRY STATE OF

AFFAIRS IN THIS COUNTRY -- OH,

WHAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A SHOW

HOSTED BY AN AGING FRENCH WHORE

BEFORE?

PRUDE, PRISSES, ALL OF YOU.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

I JUDGE YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHEN DOES THIS THING GO OFF THE

RAILS?

ANYONE KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

THE GOOD NEWS FOR BARACK OBAMA

IS EVEN WITH THE SORRY STATE

AFTER FAIRS IN THIS COUNTRY HE'S

NOT GOING TO DO THE HEAVY

LIFTING BY HIMSELF.

HE HAS A SUPPORT OF HIS

DEMOCRATIC COLLEAGUES AND

WHITMAN SAMPLERS OF AMERICAN

HEROS.

HEROS, OH, GOD YEAH, HEROS.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO HELP ME

BECAUSE I'M STILL SO THIRSTY.

MY FAVORITE HERO WAS DESOLENE

VICTOR.

>> WE SHOULD FOLLOW THE EXAM OF

A NORTH MIAMI WOMAN NAMED

DESOLENE VICTOR.

SHE WAS TOLD THE WAIT TO VOTE

MIGHT BE SIX HOURS.

SHE'S 102 YEARS OLD.

>> Jon: THAT'S THE MOST

ADORABLE WOMAN I'VE SEEN ON THE

PLANET.

SCREW THE CAT TOKEN THAT WOMAN

SHOULD BE THE THE NEW MONOPOLY

PIECE.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

ANYWAY --

[LAUGHTER]

LIQUID.

MMMMM, YES THE STATE OF THE

UNION ADDRESS IS A POWERFUL

BULLY PULPIT WHERE THE PRESIDENT THE

PRESIDENT HAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO

SHAPE HIS MESSAGE.

>> WE'VE WORKED TIRELESSLY TO

HAVE A FRAMEWORK TO GUIDE OUR

COUNTER TERRORISM EFFORTS.

THROUGHOUT, WE HAVE KEPT

CONGRESS FULLY INFORMED --

>> Jon: NO, CONGRESS HAS MADE

FORMAL REQUESTS FOR

ADMINISTRATIVE DOCUMENTS ON

DRONE STRIKES AT LEAST 18 TIMES

SINCE 2011.

THE ADMINISTRATION IS SAYING

THEY KEPT CONGRESS FULLY

INFORMED.

THAT'S LIKE FACEBOOK TELLING ME

HOW MUCH THEY CARE ABOUT MY

PRIVACY.

REALLY, FACEBOOK, HOW COME MY

MOM WOUND UP SEEING THIS?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

WHAT IT'S FOR AT THAT TOBACCO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I JUST USED IT FOR MARIJUANA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW DYSFUNCTIONAL HAS OUR

GOVERNMENT BECOME?

A FACE OF ALL THE LARGE SERIOUS

PROBLEMS LISTED BY THE PRESIDENT

OUR ABILITY TO ACT REMAINS SMALL

BORE.

>> LET'S AGREE RIGHT HERE RIGHT

NOW TO KEEP THE PEOPLE'S

GOVERNMENT OPEN AND PAY OUR

BILLS ON TIME.

>> Jon: THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

YOU JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY

THAT TO ADULTS.

YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY

THAT TO ANYONE NOT COMING OUT OF

PRISON.

GUYS IF WE WON'T GET GET OUR

(bleep) TOGETHER, REPOE MAN IS

GOING TO TAKE FLORIDA.

LET'S DO THIS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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