The 2014 State of the Union

  • Aired:  01/29/14
  •  | Views: 108,412

President Obama uses lessons learned from passive-aggressive Jewish mothers in his 2014 State of the Union address. (4:37)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]TONIGHT'S GUEST, IT'S A FINE

ONE.

TONIGHT'S GUEST PRESIDENTIALHISTORIAN JOHNNY KNOXVILLE WILL

BE JOINING US.

LAST NIGHT WASHINGTON, D.C.

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA DELIVEREDHIS FIFTH STATE OF THE UNION

ADDRESS WITH THE HELP OFCONGRESSIONAL BALL BOUNCERS

UNION.

WOW THAT IS RIGHT UP TO THECAMERA. IS THAT WHAT HAVINGGOOGLE

GLASS SEX LOOKS LIKE.

WOW.

EVEN THEY COULDN'T KEEP THEADORING CROWD BACK FROM THE

PRESIDENT.

LADIES, NO.

HE IS NOT A PIECE OF MEAT.

NO.

LADIES IT'S GOING TO STICK ALLNIGHT.

HE HAS TO DO HIS SPEECH!

LET THE MAN TELL US THE STATE OFTHE UNION.

I'VE GOT $5 ON STRONG.

>> MY FELLOW AMERICANS, TODAY INAMERICA A TEACHER SPENT EXTRA

TIME WITH A STUDENT WHO NEEDEDIT.

>> Jon: OH, BOY, STRAP IN,EVERYBODY.

[ LAUGHTER ]LOOKS LIKE HE IS GOING TO

MENTION EVERYBODY IN AMERICA BYNAME.

>> AN ENTREPRENEUR FLIPPED ONTHE LIGHTS IN HER TECH START-UP.

AN AUTO WORKER FINE TUNED SOMEOF THE BEST FUEL EFFICIENT CARS

IN THE WORLD. A FARMER PREPAREDFOR THE SPRING.

A MAN TOOK THE BUS HOME FROM THEGRAVEYARD SHIFT BONE TIRED.

>> Jon: IS HE TALKING TOCONGRESS OR PITCHING HIS

INDEPENDENT FILM?

DAWN OVER THE PLAINS COULD BENEBRASKA, OPENING CREDITS, A

NURSE STRUGGLES TO LIGHT HERCIGARETTE.

CUT TO A HOT DOG VENDOR MIDDLEEASTERN OLD EYES IN A YOUNG

FACE.

WE WANT TO HEAR ABOUT AMERICANOT AMERICANS.

>> THE UNITED STATES IS BETTERPOSITIONED FOR THE 21ST CENTURY

THAN ANY OTHER NATION ON EARTH.

NO OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLDDOES WHAT WE DO.

>> Jon: DENY CLIMATE CHANGE.

EXPAND GUN RIGHTS, AFTER SCHOOLSHOOTINGS, PUT BACON IN ICE

CREAM.

WE'RE VERY TALENTED.

SO THE COUNTRY IS STRONG BUTCLEARLY THE PRESIDENT'S

RELATIONSHIP WITH CONGRESS ISHURTING.

AS HE SPOKE TO THEM IT WAS CLEARHE HAD RECENTLY TAKEN A COURSE

AT THE LEARNING ANNEX ON PASSIVEAGGRESSION FOR JEWISH

MOTHERS.

>> I INTEND TO KEEP TRYING WITHOR WITHOUT CONGRESS.

THE QUESTION IS WHETHER WE'REGOING TO HELP OR HINDER THIS

PROGRESS.

>> Jon: I MEAN I HAVE A LOT TODO BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU COULD HELP

OR YOU COULD BE A DISAPPOINTMENTTO ME.

EVEN THOUGH I AT ONE TIME PUSHEDYOU THROUGH MY VAGINA.

YOU WANT TO LEAVE COLLEGE ISFINE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I WANT.

OR THE COUNTRY BUT WHAT YOU THELITTLE PRINCE, THE CENTER OF

UNIVERSE.

BE A DEAR, GET ME MY INSULINFROM THE CABINET.

I'LL INJECT MYSELF.SERIOUSLY WHAT IS HE GOING TO DONEXT

GUILT US ALL INTO CALLING OURACTUAL MOTHERS.

>> I ASK EVERY AMERICAN WHOKNOWS SOMEONE WITHOUT HEALTH

INSURANCE TO HELP THEM GETCOVERED BY MARCH 31.

KIDS CALL YOUR MOM AND HELP HERTHROUGH THE APPLICATION.

IT WILL GIVE HER SOME PEACE OFMIND AND PLUS, SHE'LL APPRECIATE

HEARING FROM YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING.

DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT MYMOTHER.

[LAUGHTER]ALL RIGHT.

I WILL CALL HER.

SO WHAT IS APRESIDENT TO DO WHEN HE KNOWS HE

CAN'T DO MUCH?

PERHAPS ANNOUNCE GOALS SO VAGUETHERE'S NO WAY TO GAUGE IF HE

ACTUALLY ACHIEVED THEM.

>> LET'S GET IMMIGRATION REFORMDONE THIS YEAR.

IT'S TIME.

>> CITIZENSHIP MEANS STANDING UPUP FOR THE LIVES GUN VIOLENCE

STEALS FROM US EACH DAY.

>> WE'LL COME TOGETHER TO GIVEEVERY WOMAN THE OPPORTUNITY SHE

DESERVES BECAUSE I BELIEVE WHENWOMEN SUCCEED AMERICA SUCCEEDS.

>> Jon: WE ALREADY DO SO MUCHFOR WOMEN.

SOME NIGHTS WE EVEN LET THEMDRINK FREE.

I DON'T -- HOW ABOUT THEVETERANS?

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHINGFOR THEM THERE'S STILL 400,000

BACKLOGGEDMEDICAL CLAIM FILES.

>> WE'LL KEEP SLASHING THATBACKLOG.

WE'LL CONTINUE TO JOIN FORCES TOHONOR AND SUPPORT THE MILITARY

FAMILIES.

>> Jon: WE'LL BUILD THEM THEIROWN MONUMENT, THE IMPOTENT

BUREAUCRACY MONUMENT

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