Turkey Day

  • Aired:  11/26/12
  •  | Views: 46,330

The turkey pardoned by President Obama is brought to justice, and Black Friday provides holiday benefits beyond discount prices. (3:14)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE HAVE PUT TOGETHER A PROGRAM FOR THIS VERY EVENING.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT DAVID NASSAW, AUTHOR OF THE NEW BOOK, THE PATRIARCH, THE REMARKABLE LIFE AND

TURBULENT TIMES OF ONE JOSEPH P KENNEDY.

I THREW IN THE" OF ONE ".

(LAUGHTER) THOUGHT IT GAVE IT A LITTLE MORE HISTORICAL AUTHORITY.

BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ARE THINKING, ARE YOU THINKING WHERE THE HELL YOU HAVE BEEN,

WHAT DOW GET TEN DAYS OFF FOR THANKSGIVING?

WHAT ARE YOU, A STUDENT AT A BOARDING SCHOOL?

(LAUGHTER) YES, WE DO GET TEN DAYS FOR THANKSGIVING.

AND NO, STUDENT AT A BOARDING SCHOOL.

ALTHOUGH I DO SLEEP IN A BUDGET BED AND I AM ON A FIELD HOCKEY TEAM.

(LAUGHTER) ITS WITH A VERY FUN WEEK OFF.

I SPENT IT LIKE I ALWAYS DO.

I TRACK DOWN THE TURKEY PRESIDENT OBAMA PARDONED AND I BROUGHT HIM TO JUSTICE!

(LAUGHTER) JUST BECAUSE-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I BROUGHT HIM TO JUSTICE.

BECAUSE HIS POWERFUL FRIENDS IN WASHINGTON PARDONED HIM DOESN'T MEAN HE WON'T BE

HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THOSE CRIMES, TURKEY!

HERE WE ARE BACK AT THE OFFICE.

ALL FEELING PRETTY RELACKED.

YOU KNOW, NOTHING IS REALLY MORE RELAXING THAN EATING A LONG AND DRAWN OUT MEAL WITH

YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY.

(LAUGHTER) PEOPLE YOU SPEND ALL YEAR AVOIDING, NOW THEY'RE IN YOUR HOUSE HOVERING IN THE

KITCHEN OPENING DRAWERS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> PITCHING YOU IDEAS.

(LAUGHTER) FOR YOUR SHOW.

JONATHAN, I WAS AT THE BAKERY, AND THE MAN IN FRONT OF ME SAID WHO'S NEXT?

AND I SAID TAKE A NUMBER, YOU'LL FIND OUT, THAT'S WHAT WHAT-- YOU SHOULD USE THAT

IN ONE OF YOUR SKITS.

(LAUGHTER) IT'S LIKE SEINFELD-- (LAUGHTER) SO IT'S A LITTLE STRESSFUL.

I LIKE BLACK FRIDAY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BLACK FRIDAY, THE DAY AFTER THANKS GIVING.

I DON'T LIKE IT FOR THE SHOPPING.

I LIKE TO DO IT BECAUSE IT IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE OUT THE SUPPRESSED RAGE

THAT MY RELATIVES HELP GENERATE INSIDE ME.

AND THEN UNLEASH THAT ON COMPLETE STRANGERS.

(LAUGHTER) AT A BEST BUY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

SO THEY KNOW, I DIDN'T PIN THE GUY FROM THE GEEK SQUAD AGAINST THE WALL BY HIS NECK

BECAUSE I REALLY CARED THEY WERE OUT OF 50 INCH PLASMA TVs.

I PINNED HIM THERE BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON MY FAMILY THOUGHT MY BROTHER-IN-LAW COUSIN SHOULD CARVE THE

TURKEY THAT I SPENT ALL DAY COOKING BECAUSE HE'S BEEN STRUGGLING.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME JUST SAY THIS-- YOU COOK T YOU KFERB CARVE IT, JEFF, THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT

[BLEEP] IS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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