Jon Stewart's Rockin' Shutdown Eve

  • Aired:  09/30/13
  •  | Views: 698,766

If President Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent mullahs in the world but not with House Republicans, maybe he is not the problem. (7:20)

THERE IS OBVIOUSLY ONLY ONESTORY FOR US

TO COVER TONIGHT, THEIMPENDING SHUTDOWN OF THE

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, WHICH IS THESUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S SPECIAL

PRESENTATION.

♪>> FOR THOSE JUST JOINING THE

STORY IN PROGRESS OUR GOVERNMENTIS GOING TO SHUT DOWN IN 57 OF

YOUR EARTH MINUTES.

BECAUSE THE HOUSE REPUBLICANSARE REFUSING TO FUND THE

GOVERNMENT, UNLESS THE REST OFCONGRESS DELAYS IMPLEMENTATION

OF THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT, ALSOKNOWN AS OBAMACARE.

ALSO KNOWN AS THE END OF AMERICAAS WE KNOW IT FOR REASONS NO ONE

IS ABLE TO CLEARLY EXPLAIN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Jon: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S LET THE HOUSE REPUBLICANSTRY.

>> THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ONLIMITED GOVERNMENT, PERSONALON

RESPONSIBILITY AND CONSENT OFTHE

GOVERNED, BUT OBAMACARE ISBASED ON LIMITLESS GOVERNMENT.

>> WE ARE LEADING ON PROTECTINGHARDWORKING AMERICANS ACROSS

THIS COUNTRY THAT ARE FEELINGTHE OVERREACH FROM THE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT.

>> I COME TO THE FLOOR AS MANYOF US DO TO SPEAK ABOUT, ABOUT

THE INTRUSION INTO A GOD-GIVENAMERICAN FREEDOM CALLED

OBAMACARE.

>> IT IS AN UNCONSTITUTIONALTAKING OF GOD GIVEN AMERICAN

LIBERTY.

>> Jon: THEY ARE JUST THROWINGWORDS TOGETHER.

UNCONSTITUTIONAL TAKINGS OF GODGIVEN AMERICANS -- IT SOUNDS

LIKE A (BLEEP) OF RANDOMPATRIOTIC BUZZ WORDEES.

>> IF IT IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL, IDIDN'T KNOW IT WAS

UNCONSTITUTIONAL, I KNOW HOWMUCH YOU LOVE THE CONSTITUTION,

NO ONE LOVES THE CONSTITUTIONLIKE YOU GUYS.

>> THE CONSTITUTION IS THEFOUNDATION.

>> A GREAT DOCUMENT, THECONSTITUTION.

>> THE SUPREME LAW OF THE LAND.

THE GREATEST GOVERNING DOCUMENTTHE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN.

>> I CARRY A COPY.

>> JUST LOOK AT YOURCONSTITUTION.

WHICH I KEEP IN MY POCKET.

SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE MY POCKET.

BUT I GUARANTEE YOU IT IS INHERE.

>> Jon: HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

I HAVE GOT -- WAIT, THAT IS MYWEED.

I GOT MY WEED.

I GOT A COUPLE OF RUBBERS HERE.

AH.

SON OF A BITCH THAT'S THEMONITOR LIZARD I USE TO GUARD MY

COPY OF THE CONSTITUTION.

I THINK I GOT SOME BAND-AIDS INTHERE, SON OF A BITCH, HE BIT ME

AGAIN! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? PERHAPS WE CAN LOOK TO THE

CONSTITUTION FOR A SOLUTION TOTHIS CRISIS.

LET ME GET MINE.

SON OF A BITCH!

>> ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT.

SO IN 2009 CONGRESS PASSED THEAFFORDABLE CARE ACT, WERE THEY

ALLOWED TO DO THAT?

>> CONGRESS MAY DETERMINE THETIME OF -- ISN'T THERE A CARTOON

THAT EXPLAINS THIS?

>> YES, I'M ONLY A BILL, AND IFTHEY VOTE FOR ME

ON CAPITOL HILL, WELL, THEN, IAM OFF TO THE WHITE HOUSE, WHERE

I WAIT IN A LINE WITH A LOT OFOTHER BILLS FOR THE PRESIDENT TO

SIGN.

AND IF HE SIGNS ME THEN I WILLBE A LAW!

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT I JUSTREALIZED, ONE OF THOSE BILLS I

THINK HAD A HARPOON IN ITSCHEST.

LOOK AT THAT.

ONE OF THOSE BILLS IS LIKE INEED A DOCTOR.

ALL RIGHT, SO APPARENTLY THEYARE ALLOWED TO DO THAT, THEY ARE

ALLOWED TO MAKE LAWS AND THEPRESIDENT IS ALLOWED TO SIGN

LAWS AND WHAT DO WE DO IF THOSELAWS ARE UNCONSTITUTIONAL?

WELL, APPARENTLY NINE PRECOGS INMAGIC

ROBES GOT TOGETHER LOOKED AT THEAFFORDABLE CARE ACT AND DECIDED

IT WAS NOT UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

SO EVERYTHING APPEARS TO HAVEBEEN DONE LITERALLY BY THE BOOK.

THIS BILL IS A LAW INVENTED BYTHE SYSTEM THE REPUBLICANS SAY

THETHEY LOVE, BUT TO HEAR THEYREPUBLICANS TELL IT, THE WHOLE

THING COULD BE AVOIDEDIF OBAMA WOULD MEET THEM

HALFWAY.

>> THEY HAVE REFUSED TO EVENCONSIDER THE COMPROMISE WE HAVE

OFFERED.

>> THEY WON'T NEGOTIATE WITH USON ANYTHING.

>> WHAT HAVE THE DEMOCRATSCOMPROMISED ON, NOTHING.

>> HARRY REID WON'T MEET WITHJON BOEHNER, THE PRESIDENT WON'T

MEET WITH JON BOEHNER.

>> THE PRESIDENT REFUSES TOCOMPROMISE ON ANYTHING.

>> THERE IS NO RESOLUTION UNLESSYOU SIT TOGETHER AND BRIDGE THE

DIVIDE.

>> Jon: THE BRIDGE, THERE ISNO DIVIDE TO THE LAW.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Jon: HOW -- NOBODY IS

SAYING IT'S A GOOD LAW, NOBODY'SSAYING IT'S A BAD LAW, IT'S A

LAW.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH HOW THEWORLD WORKS?

DID YOU SEE THE GIANTS GAME ONSUNDAY? THEY LOST 31 TO SEVEN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE GIANTSDIDN'T SAY AFTER THAT GAME? IF

YOU DON'T GIVE US 25 MORE POINTSBY MIDNIGHT ON MONDAY, WE WILL

SHUT DOWN THE (BLEEP) NFL.

THEY DIDN'T SAY THAT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Jon: WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF

THE UNITED STATES CONGRESSASPIRED TO THE MATURITY AND

PROBLEM SOLVING CAPACITYOF FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

MAN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Jon: THIS IS UTTER INSANITY.

THE REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO GETFRIED FOR THIS ON THE NEWS.

F>> IN THE TUG OF WAR OVER THEBUDGET AND OBAMACARE WILL

PRESIDENT OR REPUBLICANS BLINKFIRST? NEITHER SIDE LOOKS LIKE

THEY ARE ANYWHERE CLOSE TOCAVING.

>> HEADING TOWARD A GOVERNMENTSHUTDOWN, WHO WILL BLINK FIRST?

>> THERE IS A LOT OF BLAME TO GOAROUND IN WASHINGTON.

>> NEITHER SIDE IS READY TO GIVEAN INCH.

>> WE HAVE A POLITICAL GAME OFCHICKEN WITH A WHOLE LOT RIDING

ON IT.

>> Jon: NO WE DON'T! I AM ALLFOR A POX ON BOTH OF THEIR

HOUSES WHEN APPROPRIATE BUT THISIS NOT A GAME OF CHICKEN, THIS

IS WHEN SOMEONE IS DRIVING TOWORK AND THERE IS CAR COMING

DIRECTLY AT THEM IN THEIR LANE,THAT IS NOT A GAME OF CHICKEN,

THAT IS A (BLEEP) CAUSING AHEADON COLLISION.

LET ME SEE IF I CAN PUT THIS INANOTHER WAY FOR HOUSE

REPUBLICANS.

>> YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Jon: YOU KNOW THE

REPUBLICANS WILL HEED THISADVICE.

BECAUSE HE IS A SMALL BUSINESSOWNER.

PERHAPS NOTHING SUMS UP THE SHEER RIDICULOUSNESS OF THIS

SITUATION, THE DEGREE TO WHICHTHE REPUBLICANS HAVE LEFT THE

PLANE OF REASON MORE THAN THISNEW TALKING POINT THAT THEY

THEMSELVES ROLLED OUT THISWEEKEND.

>> THE PRESIDENT WILL NEGOTIATEWITH THE IRANIANS, BUT THE

PRESIDENT OF THE SENATE WILL NOTTALK TO THE HOUSE.

>> Jon:.

>> HAVE AS MUCH FLEXIBILITY WITHTHE REPUBLICANS AS YOU DO WITH

THE RUSSIANS AND IRANIANS.

>> THE PRESIDENT IS MORE THANWILLING TO NEGOTIATE WITH

IRANIANS, I DON'T KNOW WHY HEWOULDN'T BE WILLING TO NEGOTIATE

WITH US.

>> Jon: BRRRR, BRRR, BRRR.

>> YOU ARE NOT HELPING YOURSELF.

IF IT TURNS OUT THAT PRESIDENTOBAMA CAN MAKE A DEAL WITH THE

MOST INTRANSIGENT HARD-LINEUNREASONABLE TOTALITARIAN

MULLAHS IN THE WORLD, BUT NOTWITH REPUBLICANS? MAYBE HE IS

NOT THE PROBLEM.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Jon: WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

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