That Thing They Said They're Not Doing? They're Totally Doing

  • Aired:  12/09/13
  •  | Views: 65,922

Despite claims to the contrary, the N.S.A. routinely monitors the phone calls and e-mail of American citizens. (4:00)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

JON STEWART.

MY GUEST TONIGHT FORMERPAKISTANI AMBASSADOR TO THE

UNITED STATES HUSAIN HAQQANI ISON THE PROGRAM.

LET US BEGIN TONIGHT WITH THENATIONAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION

WHICH IS THE SUBJECT OF THE NEWONGOING SERIES "THAT THING THEY

SAID THEY ARE NOT DOING, THEYARE TOTALLY DOING."

[LAUGHTER]OVER THE PAST SIX MONTHS OR SO

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PLAYINGSOMETHING OF A FUN LITTLE GAME

WITH THE N.S.A.

THE N.S.A. TELLS US THEY ARE NOTDOING SOMETHING AND THEN WE

FOUND OUT THEY ARE TOTALLY DOINGIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]FOR INSTANCE, --

>> NOBODY IS LISTENING TOYOUR TELEPHONE CALLS.

>> Jon: TURNS OUT THEY ARETOTALLY LISTENING TO YOUR

TELEPHONE CALLS.

THEY'RE STORING THEM IN THISGIANT UTAH FORTRESS OF

SURVEILITUDE. NEXT.

>> WITH RESPECT TO THE INTERNETAND E-MAILS, THIS DOES NOT APPLY

TO UNITED STATES CITIZENS.

>> Jon: GO ON.

>> THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATIONQUIETLY WON PERMISSION A COUPLE

YEARS AGO FROM A SURVEILLANCECOURT TO HAVE THE N.S.A. SEARCH

FOR THE COMMUNICATIONS OFAMERICANS INTERCEPTED PHONE

CALLS AND THE LIKE.

>> Jon: ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,UNDER THIS PLAN, IF YOU LIKE

YOUR N.S.A. SPY --[LAUGHTER]

-- YOU GET TO KEEP YOUR N.S.A.

SPY SO THAT IS SOMETHING.

[ LAUGHTER ]BUT OF COURSE THE GOVERNMENT --

>> I HAD NO IDEA WE COULD KEEPOUR SAME SPY.

THAT IS SHOCKING ANDDELIGHTFUL. [LAUGHTER]

BUT OF COURSE THE GOVERNMENTCOULDN'T GET AWAY WITH DOING

THINGS THAT THEY SWORE THEYWEREN'T DOING BECAUSE OF

STRICTNESS OF THE OVERSIGHT OFTHE NOTHING THEY WEREN'T DOING.

>> THIS PROGRAM BY THE WAY ISFULLY OVERSEEN NOT JUST BY

CONGRESS BUT BY THE FISA COURT.

IT'S BEEN CARRIED OUT CONSISTENTWITH THE CONSTITUTION AND RULE

OF LAW.

>> Jon: SEE?

IT TURNS OUT IT WASN'T SO MUCHRULE OF LAW CONSISTENT AS RULE

OF LAW ADJACENT.

THE N.S.A. HAS BEEN ROUTINELYBREAKING PRIVACY RULES.

>> Jon: RULES ARE MADE TO BEBROKEN.

SORRY, WAIT THAT IS PRECIOUSMOMENTS FIGURES.

THOSE ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN.

RULES ARE MADE TO BE FOLLOWED.

EVEN THOUGH THEY SAID REPEATEDLYTHESE PROGRAMS ARE ONLY USED TO

CATCH BAD GUYS.

>> REPORTS SURFACING THAT SOMEEMPLOYEES ARE TRACKING THEIR

LOVE INTERESTS.

>> USING THE ENORMOUS POWER OFTHE GOVERNMENT TO EAVESDROP ON

THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS ORPEOPLE THEY WOULD LIKE TO BECOME

THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.

[ LAUGHTER ]>> Jon: HEY, I JUST MET YOU

AND THIS IS CRAZY BUT HERE ISYOUR NUMBER OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT

AND SOCIAL SECURITY SO CALL MEOR I'LL CONTINUE TO MONITOR

YOUR ACTIVITIES.

[LAUGHTER]I FEEL LIKE AT THIS POINT OUR

INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY IS PRETTYMUCH EVEN OWNING THE FACT THAT

THEY ARE GETTING NEFARIOUS.

LAST WEEK THE NATIONALRECONNAISSANCE OFFICE LAUNCHED

THIS SPY SATELLITE INTO ORBITTHE LOGO THEY CHOSE FOR THE SPY

ROCKET, THIS IS REAL, A GIANTOCTOPUS SUCKING THE FACE OFF OF

NORTH AMERICA.

WHAT IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER]WE HAVE NO INTEREST IN YOUR --

[LAUGHTER]SERIOUSLY.

THAT LOGO IS ONE TERRIFIEDSCHOOL GIRL AWAY FROM BEING A

POPULAR COMIC IN TOKYO.

[ LAUGHTER ]YES, YES.

I INVENTED THAT TYPE OF PORN,YES.

[ LAUGHTER ]I LOOKED AT THEIR ANIME PORN AND

I SAID IT'S MISSING AN OCTOPUS.

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