Heavy Settle

  • Aired:  12/04/13
  •  | Views: 11,656

Corporations pay the nominal price for years of systemic fraud. (3:34)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW FOR YOUTONIGHT.

OUR SHOW IS AMAZING.

WE HAVE AN INCREDIBLEDOCUMENTARIAN JEHANE NOUJAIM IS

ON THE SHOW.

SHE'S DONE THIS AMAZINGDOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE FREEDOM

AND DEMOCRACY MOVEMENTS INEGYPT.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

YOU HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT.

BUT BEFORE WE GO INTO FREEDOMAND DEMOCRACY OBVIOUSLY THERE'S

ANOTHER QUESTION PLAGUING THISCOUNTRY.

CORPORATIONS: ARE THEY PEOPLE?

>> CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE, MYFRIEND.

>> Jon: THANK YOU FOR THAT YOUDAPPER STRANGER.

[LAUGHTER]IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME WAY TO

PROVE THAT CORPORATIONS WERE NOTPEOPLE.

SHOW THEIR INABILITY TO LOVE.

TO SHOW THAT THEY LACK AWARENESSOF THEIR OWN MORTALITY.

TO SEE WHAT THEY DO WHEN YOUWALK IN ON THEM MASTURBATING.

[ LAUGHTER ]ARE THEY EMBARRASSED?

OR LIKE OUR NONHUMAN APE COUSINSDO THEY JUST KEEP PLUGGING AWAY?

[LAUGHTER]WHILE EERILY MAINTAINING EYE

CONTACT.

SERIOUSLY DUDE I WAS JUST ON MYWAY TO THE REPTILE HOUSE.

THEY ARE ODDLY HUMAN, I HAVE TOSAY.

ONE WAY TO DISTINGUISHCORPORATIONS FROM PEOPLE WOULD

BE TO SHOW THAT THEY DON'TSUFFER THE SAME CONSEQUENCES FOR

THEIR ACTIONS THAT WE MEREMORTALS MAY.

FOR INSTANCE, LET'S SAY YOU ORI KNOWINGLY SOLD SAY 700,000

BAD MORTGAGES.

[ LAUGHTER ]LET'S SAY WE KNEW IT BUT WE

STILL DUMPED THAT (bleep) ONOTHERS.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO US?

PROBABLY NOT THIS.

>> BANK OF AMERICA SAYS IT WILLPAY $404 MILLION.

>> SETTLING CLAIMS RELATED TO ADECADES WORTH OF BAD MORTGAGE

LOANS IT SOLD TO FREDDIE MAC.

>> Jon: I'M SORRY I COMMITTEDSYSTEMIC FRAUD FOR TEN YEARS.

HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU A CUT OFIT?

IN CORPORATE AMERICA THERE'S AWAY TO COVER UP ANY WRONG DOING.

>> THAT'S WHAT THE MONEY IS FOR.

>> Jon: IT'S THAT OLD SAYINGDON'T DO THE CRIME IF YOU CAN'T

PAY THE NOMINAL FINE.

>> UBS WILL SETTLE CHARGES ITMISLEAD INVESTORS.

>> THEY'VE SETTLED A CASE FOR$550 MILLION.

IT'S THE LARGEST SETTLEMENTBETWEEN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

AND A CORPORATION.

THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT AND JPMORGAN CHASE ARE EXPECTED TO

SIGN A $13 BILLION DEAL.

>> Jon: I KNOW WHAT YOU ARETHINKING $13 BILLION THAT'S LIKE

MAKING JOHN CARTER 52 TIMES.

[ LAUGHTER ]HOW IS JP MORGAN GOING TO COME

UP WITH THAT KIND OF SCRATCH.

>> THEY EARNED OVER $20 BILLIONLAST YEAR SO THE $13 BILLION IS

AFFORDABLE FOR THEM.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: WAS THAT DUDE STARING

AT YOU GUYS, TOO?

[LAUGHTER]ALL RIGHT.

SO LET ME SEE IF I GET.

THIS LET ME DO THE MATH.

IT'S COSTING THEM 52 JOHNCARTERS BUT THEY EARNED ENOUGH

TO MAKE 80 JOHN CARTERS.

MONEY WAS SO MUCH EASIER TOCOMPREHEND BEFORE WE MOVED TO A

JOB CARTER BASED FINANCIALSYSTEM.

Loading...