Mystery Finance Theater 2012

  • Aired:  07/18/12
  •  | Views: 79,750

Mitt Romney refuses to release his tax returns, citing the Obama administration's desire to hound him with frivolous transparency demands. (5:05)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS OR NOT BUT OFTEN TIMES PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

TYPICALLY RELEASE SEVERAL YEAR'S WORTH OF TAXES.

BUT NOT YOUR MITT ROMNEY THERE.

HE... YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS DEMANDING MORE DISCLOSURE.

YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE WHO ELSE.

REPUBLICANS ARE TELLING THE MAN TO SHOW SOME STUFF.

>> THEY SHOULD RELEASE THE TAX RETURNS TOMORROW.

IT'S CRAZY, YOU HAVE TO RELEASE SIX, EIGHT, TEN YEARS OF BACK TAXES.

>> THE COST OF NOT RELEASING THE RETURNS ARE CLEAR.

>> EVEN IF YOU DON'T RELEASE 12 YEARS WORTH OF TAX RETURNS AT LEAST THREE, FOUR, FIVE.

>> SHOULD HE RELEASE THE TAX RETURNS?

>> I WOULD.

>> Jon: I WOULD BUT... LAUGH LEIF THEN AGAIN I SEAT CIGARS.

I'M NOT MUCH OF A ROLE MODEL.

(LAUGHTER) BUT I TELL YOU WHAT, FOR ONCE ROMNEY'S NOT GOING TO CAVE TO THE PRESSURE.

>> THE OBAMA PEOPLE KEEP WANTING MORE AND MORE AND MORE THINGS TO

PICK THROUGH, MORE THINGS FOR THEIR OPPOSITION RESEARCH TO MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF AND TO

DISTORT AND BE DISHONEST ABOUT.

>> Jon: YOU CAN'T RELEASE YOUR RETURNS BECAUSE IF YOU DO THE

DEMOCRATS WILL BE MEAN TO YOU.

I SEE YOUR CONCERN.

THESE ON OBAMA PEOPLE, WHATEVER YOU RELEASE IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH.

THEY'LL JUST KEEP HOUNDING YOU AND HOUNDING YOU WITH FRIVOLOUS TRANSPARENCY DEMANDS LIKE THIS.

>> I STILL WOULD LIKE TO SEE OBAMA'S COLLEGE TRANSCRIPTS.

>> HE WOULD BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE HARVARD LAW REVIEW.

CAN WE SEE A PIECE OF PAPER, AN ARTICLE HE PUBLISHED?

>> WE STILL DON'T HAVE HIS RECORDS FROM THE ILLINOIS STATE SENATE.

>> SOME INDELIBLE RECORD EXISTS OF PUBLIC REMARKS NAMEE SHELL OBAMA ALLEGEDLY MADE IN

REFERENCE TO WHITE PEOPLE AS WHITEY'S.

>> THEN THERE IS MICHELLE OBAMA'S SENIOR THESIS FROM PRINCETON UNIVERSITY.

>> WHERE'S THE WHITE HOUSE VISITOR'S RECORDS

>> WHY CAN'T THEY RELEASE THE BIRTHER IS I HAVE THE SDMAT

>> SHOW IT TO US.

>> SHOW US THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, STEVE, I APPRECIATE THAT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> YOU'RE A GOOD MAN STEVE,

YOU'RE HIRED.

YOU KEEP IT UP MAYBE ONE DAY I'M COME IN AND SIT ON THAT (BLEEP)ING COUCH INSTEAD OF

PHONING IN FROM BED.

(LAUGHTER) WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW NAKED!

(LAUGHTER) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S REPUBLICANS HOUNDING OBAMA FOR

DOCUMENTS BUT STILL THE LESS THE BETTER BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW INNOCUOUS IT MIGHT SEEM

DEMOCRATS WILL TEAR IT TO SHEDS DESPERATE TO MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING.

WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?

>> THIS IS NOT A BIRTH CERTIFICATE?

>> SEE THIS?

THIS HAS CLEARLY BEEN PHOTOCOPYD FROM A BOOK.

>> THIS WHOLE BOARDER IS SUSPECT.

>> IT'S S A FRAUDULENT DOCUMENT.

>> YES.

THANK YOU SHERIFF JOE, IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO AUTHENTICATE A 50-YEAR-OLD HAWAIIAN BIRTH

CERTIFICATE IT'S THE ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF.

(LAUGHTER) DEMOCRATS DIDN'T WANT TO BE DICKS ABOUT ROMNEY'S TAX

RETURNS, THE REPUBLICANS HAVE GIVEN A MASTER CLASS ON HOW TO DO IT.

BUT MITT ROMNEY DOESN'T HAVE TO RELEASE HIS FORMS BECAUSE WE AT THE SHOW HAVE GOTTEN OUR HANDS

ON THEM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE HAVE CHAINED MITT ROMNEY'S 1040s FOR THE LAST... 23525

YEARS, LET'S SAY.

(LAUGHTER) AND WE'VE HAD THEM FOR A WHILE BUT FOR SOME REASON NEVER MENTIONED IT.

(LAUGHTER) UNTIL TONIGHT BUT WE WILL PARCEL OUT TIDBITS FROM THEM IN A NEW

RECURRING SEGMENT WE CALL: (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: AS YOU CAN SEE (LAUGHTER) UNLESS YOU THINK THINK IS JUST

LIKE EIGHT PAPERS WITH WRITING ON IT AND A SACK OF BLANKS...

(LAUGHTER) ... THEY'RE VERY LARGE AND COMPLICATED.

I'LL BREAK THEM DOWN BY TOPIC.

TONIGHT WE'LL DISCUSS CARS.

YOU MAY RECALL MITT ROMNEY CAME IN FOR RIBBING BECAUSE HIS HOME IN CALIFORNIA CONTAIN ASKAR ELEVATOR.

TURNS OUT THE CAR ELEVATOR WAS THE LATEST IN A LONG SERIES OF EXPERIMENTS DESIGNED TO MOVE

CARS WITHIN THE ROMNEY HOME.

IT STARTED OUT MORE MODESTLY.

IN '59 HIS HIS FORMS SHOW A DEDUCTION FOR CAR STAIR BUS AS HE GREW MORE SUCCESSFUL HE ADDED

A CAR ESCALATOR AND LATER ON A CAR LAZY SUSAN.

(LAUGHTER) WHICH WERE AUGMENTED IN 2002 WITH ROMNEY'S SELF-DESIGNED CAR-APULT.

I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THE CAR-APULT AS HE DESIGNED IT.

(LAUGHTER) IT LED DIRECTLY TO THE FOLLOWING YEAR'S DEDUCTIONS IF A GENEROUS

SETTLEMENT WITH ROMNEY'S NEIGHBORS.

NOT SURE WHY HAVING CRASHED TWO CARS INTO THEIR HOUSE HE WENT FOR THE THIRD BUT...

(LAUGHTER) WE'RE GOING TO GO THROUGH HIS RETURNS.

JOIN US SOON FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF

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