The Matzorian Candidate

  • Aired:  12/08/11
  •  | Views: 231,176

At the Republican Jewish Coalition forum, Jews commemorate the miracle of incredibly religious Christian presidential candidates fighting over who loves Jews more. (6:00)

ACTUALLY, TALK OF THE WAR ON

CHRISTMAS BRINGS ME TO A FUN

FACT.

DID YOU KNOW THAT NOT ALL

AMERICANS CELEBRATE

CHRISTMAS?

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S TRUE.

MANY AMERICAN JEWS CELEBRATE

A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

HOLIDAY CALLED-- HOW COME WE

DON'T GET TO CELEBRATE

CHRISTMAS.

I SEE.

IT'S ACTUALLY CALLED THE

REPUBLICAN JEWISH COALITION

FORUM.

IT IS CELEBRATED EVERY FOUR

YEARS.

FOR THIS HOLIDAY JEWS

COMMEMORATE THE MIRACLE OF

INCREDIBLY RELIGIOUS

CHRISTIAN PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATES FIGHTING OVER WHO

LOVES JEWS MORE.

AND LO, GOD PROVIDED THE

HEBREWS TWO GOOD LOOK

MORMONS, THOUGH THEY HAD

PRAYED FOR BUT ONE.

WELL, TO BE HONEST, NONE,

THEY WANTED GIULIANI BUT

THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

SO WHO WILL WIN THE TUCHUS

TUCHUS-KISSOFF.

>> KAREN AND I HAVE BEEN TO

ISRAEL.

>> WE BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE,

YOU KNOW, TILES THAT SAID

"PRAY FOR THE PEACE OF

JERUSALEM" AND WE HAVE THAT

ON OUR KITCHEN RIGHT ABOVE

OUR SINK.

>> Jon: AH!

(LAUGHTER)

SO SANTORUM OPENS WITH-- I

HAVE ONE OF YOUR TCHOTCHKES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: AND I WAS ALSO

THINKING ABOUT BUYING ONE OF

THEM GLASS BIRDS THAT LOOKS

LIKE THEY'RE DRINKING, MAYBE

HAS A LITTLE TINY TOP HAT

THAT SAYS ISRAEL BUT

WOULDN'T FIT IN THE LUGGAGE.

CAN ANYONE TOP SANTORUM.

>> I FEEL AS SHERYL SHARED

WITH YOU A VERY SPECIAL

CONNECTION TO ISRAEL.

WHEN I FIRST VISITED THE

HOLY LAND.

REPEATEDLY BEEN TO THE

WESTERN WALL.

THAT MOST SACRED SYMBOL OF

WHERE JEWISH PILGRIMS GATHER

TO PRAY TODAY.

>> Jon: NICE.

ANYBODY CAN GRAB A SOUVENIR

TILE AT THE DUTY-FREE AT THE

AIRPORT.

YOU WENT TO A RUIN.

THAT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH TO

BEAT.

>> THE DAY AFTER I GRADUATED

FROM HIGH SCHOOL, I LEFT AND

I TOOK A PLANE AND I WENT TO

WORK ON A KIBBUTZ.

>> Jon: HOLY-- WE HAVE A

WINNER!

OH MY GOSH!

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: SHE WORKED ON A

KIBBUTZ.

MICHELE BACHMANN LOVES

ISRAEL SO MUCH SHE WAS

WILLING TO JOIN A SOCIALIST

COLLECTIVE.

WOW!

BUT WHAT WOULD YOU AS

PRESIDENT DO FOR ISRAEL.

>> STRATEGIC AID IN ALL

FORMS UNDER A PERRY

ADMINISTRATION WILL INCREASE

TO ISRAEL.

>> THE UNITED STATES WILL

STOP IRAN FROM GETTING A

NUCLEAR WEAPON, PERIOD.

>> IRAN'S AYATOLLAHS WILL

NOT BE PERMITTED TO OBTAIN

NUCLEAR WEAPONSES.

>> THE UNITED STATES WILL

MOVE OUR EMBASSY FROM TEL

AVIV TO JERUSALEM.

>> Jon: I WILL GET ON A

PLANE ON MY FIRST DAY AS

PRESIDENT TO JERUSALEM AND

PUT A PALESTINIAN IN A HEAD

LOCK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: I WILL GIVE THEM A

WEDGEY.

-- BACHMANN IS KILLING IT.

LET'S CHECK IN ON HOW SHE IS

DOING ON THE YARMULKOMETER,

OH, SHE'S -- OWE, SUPERSTAR

OF DAVID!

WOW ALL SHE REALLY NEEDS TO

DO NOW IS STICK THE LANDING

AT THE END OF HER SPEECH,

HIT IT.

>> SHALOM ALECHEIM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT SO, GOOD

FOR YOU, NICE TO THROW DOWN

A LITTLE OF THE HEBREW TO

JEWISH FORUM, THAT WAS NICE.

THAT TAKES A LOT OF --

>> HE HAS A LOT OF HUTZPAH.

>> Jon: I WAS GOING TO SAY

HUTS PARK I WAS GOING TO SAY

CAJONES, BUT OKAY.

IN THE END THE BIG WIN NEVER

THE FORUM WAS ONE NEWT

GINGRICH WHO RECEIVED STATE

OF THE UNIONESQUE APPLAUSE,

STANDING OVATIONS AND THE

KIND OF LAUGHTER THAT JACKIE

MASON WOULD KILL FOR AND HAS.

>> I WILL IN THE ACCEPTANCE

SPEECH CHALLENGE THE

PRESIDENT TO SEVEN

THREE-HOUR DEBATES.

I WILL CONCEDE IN ADVANCE

THAT HE CAN USE A

TELEPROMPTER.

>> Jon: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

WE DO NOT ADD THE LADY GOING

GOING-- NAAAAH!

THAT'S HOW FUNNY JEWS THINK

TELEPROMPTER JOKES ARE.

COULD MITT ROMNEY NEWT'S

MAIN RIVAL MATCH HIM?

HE GOT APPLAUSE.

HE ACTUALLY TOO GOT A

STANDING OVATION AT THE END

OF HIS SPEECH.

THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD FOR

MITT.

>> REMEMBER THE GEORGE

COSTANZA LINE WHEN THEY ARE

LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING, YOU

SIT DOWN.

>> Jon: OH, MISQUOTING

SEINFELD IN FRONT OF A

JEWISH AUDIENCE, THAT'S

GOING TO COST YA!

SEE FIRST OF ALL IT IS NOT A

GEORGE KOTION TANZA LINE,

IT'S JERRY'S LINE.

>> GEORGE, WHEN YOU HIT THAT

HIGH NOTE, SAY GOOD NIGHT

AND WALK OFF.

>> Jon: AND YOU GOT THE LINE

WRONG, THAT WOULD BE LIKE

STANDING UP THERE AND GOING

LIKE THE FASCIST SOUP VENDOR

USED TO SAY, I AM AFRAID

THAT I AM OUT OF DELICIOUS

SOUP.

HA, HA, HA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: HOW DOES THAT AFFECT

ROMNEY'S RANK ON THE

YARMULKOMETER.

OH, HE IS DOWN TO ABOUT-- OH,

I HAVE NO CANDIDATE.

I HAVE NO CANDIDATE!

INTERESTINGLY, THE ONE

CANDIDATE ABSENT FROM THE

DEBATE WAS RON PAUL.

HE IS DOING VERY WELL IN THE

POLLS BUT ACCORDING TO RJC

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR MATT

BROOKS HE WAS LEFT OUT

BECAUSE THE REPUBLICAN

JEWISH COUNCIL REJECTS HIS

MISGUIDED AND EXTREME VIEWS

ON ISRAEL.

WOW, MISGUIDED AND EXTREME,

OH MY GOD, HAS HE SUGGESTED

ISRAEL HAS NO RIGHT TO EXIST

OR THAT IT IS TO BE

EXCHANGED FOR RHODE ISLAND.

>> WOULD YOU CUT AID TO

ISRAEL.

>> I WOULD CUT ALL FOREIGN

AID.

I WOULD TREAT EVERYBODY

EQUALLY AND FAIRLY.

>> Jon: GOOD CALL, NOT

INVITING ANY PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATES TO YOUR FORUM WHO

MIGHT DISAGREE WITH YOU.

WOULDN'T WANT TO TURN IT

INTO A DEBATE.

YOU KNOW F THERE IS ONE

THING JEWS CAN'T

STAND-- ARGUING.

(LAUGHTE

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