Debt Race 2012

  • Aired:  01/07/13
  •  | Views: 15,914

Crafty Republican negotiating tactics force President Obama to move from his initial Fiscal Cliff offer to the exact same thing. (6:36)

FRANCE.

(MUMBLING) WE BEGIN WHERE WE LEFT OFF: DANGLING TENUOUSLY ON THE PRECIPICE OF THE FISCAL CLIFF.

COULD PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA PULL AMERICA BACK FROM THE CHASM?

WOULD HOUSE SPEAKER BOEHNER'S DOOMSDAY MACHINE BE STOPPED IN TIME?

WHO REALLY FATHERED NANCY PELOSI'S LOVE CHILD?

I'M GOING WITH ECCENTRIC BILLIONAIRE LUCIUS TRENT.

YOU KNOW HE'S ALSO BATMAN.

ALL THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED BUT FIRST LET'S GET CAUGHT UP ON WHAT THIS FISCAL

CLIFF IS AGAIN.

I KNOW YOU'VE ALL BEEN HOLED UP ON VACATION THE LAST THREE WEEKS WITH YOUR WIFE, TWO CHILDREN AND

LIFE COUNSELING.

THE FISCAL CLIFF IS THE ECONOMIC CATASTROPHE THAT WOULD OCCUR WITH THE SIMULTANEOUS EXPIRING

OF THE BUSH TAX CUTS AND DEEP ACROSS-THE-BOARD SPENDING CUTS THAT CONGRESS SCHEDULED TO KICK

IN JANUARY 1 SO CONGRESS COULDN'T NEGOTIATE A FISCAL SOLUTION BY JANUARY 1.

CONFUSED?

LET ME PUT IT IN TERMS OF A 21st CENTURY ANALOGY THAT CAN CRYSTALLIZE THE POINT OF IT.

PRETEND AMERICA IS A SUCCESSFUL RAILROAD COMPANY.

THAT HAS FALLEN ON SOME HARD FISCAL TIMES.

THERE'S AN ARGUMENT WITHIN THE COMPANY ABOUT WHETHER TO MAKE SOME CHANGES TO THE DINING CAR

OFFERING, MAYBE CUT FARES FOR LESS WEALTHY RIDERS OR ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ARGUMENT WHERE

TRAINS THEMSELVES ARE STEEL BEASTS THAT STALIN INVENTED TO KILL FREEDOM AND MARTHA WASHINGTON.

THIS IS CLEARLY A LARGE GAP TO BRIDGE IN NEGOTIATIONS THEY ADDED WHAT WE CALL IN THE MOVIE

BUSINESS THE TICKING CLOCK IN THE FORM OF A DAM SELL TIED TO THE TRACK.

THE DAMSELL IN THIS CASE REPRESENTING OUR ENTIRE ECONOMY.

YES, WE TIED A WOMAN TO THE TRACK.

TO FORCE US TO DEAL WITH THE TRAIN.

SO THE STAGE WAS SET FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE TO ARRIVE AT A SERIOUS SOLUTION.

SERIOUSLY.

>> A LOT OF PARTISAN RHETORIC ON BOTH SIDES, TALKS ON THE FISCAL CLIFF ARE NOW AT A STANDSTILL.

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

>> Jon: TRAIN THE PRESIDENT'S PROPOSAL WOULD RAISE TACKS ON FAMILIES EARNING $4,000 A YEAR AND HIGHER.

THAT'S UP FROM $250,000 HE INITIALLY PROPOSED WHILE CUTTING $930 BILLION IN SPENDING

>> Jon: AN OPENING BID AND ONLY 13 DAYS UNTIL THE TRAIN RUN OVER THAT WOMAN

>> BOEHNER ARGUES TAXES AND CUTS NEED TO BE EQUAL.

HE IS MOVING AHEAD WITH A TOMORROW ON WHAT HE CALLS PLAN-B.

>> Jon: PLAN-B?

THE MORNING AFTER BILL?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLAN-B IS THE BILL YOU INTRODUCE TO MITIGATE YOUR PREVIOUS

SESSION'S IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR.

LET'S HEAR IT

>> REPUBLICAN BILL THAT WOULD PREVENT INCOME TAXES FROM GOING UP ON JANUARY 1 FOR ANYONE

MAKING LESS THAN $1 MILLION A YEAR.

>> Jon: YOU MEAN EVERYBODY?

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S A STARTING POINT.

AS WE DISCUSSED EARLIER SOMEONE HAS TO SAVE PENELOPE.

I GUESS WE'LL SETTLE BETWEEN $400,000 AND A MILLION

>> A SHOCKER ON CAPITOL HILL LAST NIGHT AS HOUSE SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER'S PLAN-B BACKFIRED

>> BOEHNER PULLED REPUBLICANS INTO A MEETING, TRIED TO GET THE VOTES HE NEEDED BUT FAILED.

>> Jon: WE JUST LOST OUR BRAKES.

ALL RIGHT.

I FORGOT ABOUT THE REPUBLICANS.

THEY HATE TRAINS AND THINK TRAINS HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING INVOLVED IN TRANSPORTATION.

WE'RE GOING OVER THE CLIFF.

UNLESS...

>> McCONNELL CALLED FOR HELP PHONING VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN WHO CAME TO THE WHITE HOUSE TODAY

AND IS NOW PART OF THE TALKS.

>> Jon: OH, GREAT.

SOMEBODY CALLED DR. FEEL-GOOD TO THE HOUSE.

THAT WILL WORK.

HEY, JOEY CREST-STRIP GET IN HERE.

HE'LL COME IN, FLASH THE PEARLY WHITES, GOOSE A COUPLE OF INTERNS.

GOOD PLAN [BLEEP].

>> BREAKING NEWS ON THE FISCAL CLIFF.

THE SENATE APPROVED A LAST-MINUTE DEAL OVERNIGHT

>> Jon: OH, MY...

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE DOING THAT.

THINK WE WERE DOING A TRAIN ANALOGY, WERE WE NOT?

FIRST DAY BACK, PEOPLE.

NOT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO MATCH UP.

BUT WE DID IT.

WE MADE A DEAL.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS AMAZING DEAL

>> NEW HIGHER RATES WOULD HIT THOSE EARNING ABOVE $400,000 A YEAR.

$450,000 FOR COUPLES.

>> Jon: WOW.

REPUBLICANS' CRAFTY NEGOTIATING GOT OBAMA TO MOVE FROM HIS $400,000 A YEAR OFFER TO THE

EXACT SAME THING.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS WE HAVE A DEAL.

TAXES RAISED A BIT BUT NO SEQUESTER.

WE SAVED THE LADY.

BUT WE OURSELVES HAD TIED TO THE TRACK.

>> THE PLAN WOULD ALSO DELAY ACROSS-THE-BOARD SPENDING CUTS FOR DEFENSE AND MOST FEDERAL AGENCIES.

BUT ONLY FOR TWO MONTHS.

KICKING THE CAN ON TOUGH DECISIONS TO REDUCE GOVERNMENT SPENDING

>> Jon: DID I SAY SAVE?

I MEANT MOVED HER A HALF MILE FURTHER DOWN THE TRACK.

SO THESE MASSIVE SPENDING CUTS WILL COINCIDE WITH ANOTHER DEBT CEILING BATTLE.

IS THERE ANYTHING IN THIS DEBACLE THAT WE CAN ALL AGREE ON ON?

>> HOUSE SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER HAD KIND OF A ROUGH WEEK HERE.

THE AT A PARTY FOLKS NOT HAPPY WITH THE DEAL THAT HE STRUCK

>> THE PRESIDENT WAS ABLE TO GET THE SPEAKER TO UNDO EVERYTHING HE HAD PROMISED HE WOULD DO

>> WHERE ARE YOU?

MR. SPEAKER, WE NEED LEADERSHIP.

>> TONIGHT I AM ASHAMED, SHAME ON YOU, MR. SPEAKER.

>> Jon: REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT, SENATOR OR CONGRESSMAN, TEAM EDWARD OR TEAM JACOB, EVERYONE

AGREES JOHN BOEHNER SUCKS.

AT LEAST WE CAN BE ASSURED THAT AS THE INCOMING CONGRESS VOTES FOR A NEW SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE,

IT'S CLEAR WHAT THE OUTCOME IS GOING TO BE.

>> JOHN BOEHNER WON RE-ELECTION AS HOUSE SPEAKER TODAY.

>> Jon: OH, BOY.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) WE'LL BE RIGHT

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