Truce Defective

  • Aired:  07/28/14
  •  | Views: 92,883

As violence between Israel and Hamas rages on, the United Nations, Pope Francis and John Kerry all take a stab at forging peace. (5:51)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

PERIOD.

HERE IS SOMETHING I DO NOT GETTO SAY VERY MUCH AT ALL LATELY:

GOOD NEWS FROM THE MIDDLE EAST.

>> A 12-HOUR HUMANITARIANCEASEFIRE BETWEEN ISRAEL AND

HAMAS.

>> THERE WERE NO CIVILIANS BEINGSHELLED.

THERE WERE NO ROCKETS IN THESKIES OF TEL AVIV.

>> Jon: FINALLY A CEASEFIRETHAT, OKAY, 12 HOURS.

ONLY SCHEDULED TO LAST AS LONGAS DECENT DOSE OF SUDAFED, BUT

STILL.

[LAUGHTER]IT IS SOME RELIEF.

WE CAN BUILD ON THIS.

>> SUNDAY IT TOOK ALL OF TENMINUTES AFTER THE FRAGILE

CEASEFIRE EXPIRED AT 8:00 A.M.

FOR HAMAS TO SEND ROCKETS INTOISRAEL.

>> Jon: [BLEEPED].

[LAUGHTER]I GUESS THE REAL QUESTION IS:

WHAT WAS GOING ON DURING THOSETEN MINUTES?

HELLO.

PEOPLE, HUMANITARIAN CEASEFIREENDED TEN MINUTES AGO.

TICKTOCK.

THE NEVER-ENDING HATRED IN THISREGION ISN'T GOING TO BOMB

ITSELF.

[LAUGHTER]THINGS ARE SPIRALING OUT OF

CONTROL.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A HIGHERAUTHORITY TO INTERVENE.

>> EARLY THIS MORNING THE UNITEDNATIONS SECURITY COUNCIL

CONVENING AN EMERGENCY MEETING.

>> AN EMERGENCY MIDNIGHTMEETING.

>> Jon: STAND BACK, BITCHES.

THE U.N. IS IN TOWN.

YOU MESS WITH THE BAN KI, YOUGET THE MOON.

AND THIS ISN'T SOME PANSY ASSU.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY MEETING.

THIS IS THE U.N. SECURITYCOUNCIL EMERGENCY MEETING, THE

BIG DOGS, THE POWER PLAYERS, THEORIGINAL KINGS OF DIPLOMACY.

THAT INCLUDES CHINA,RUSSIA, FRANCE,

THE U.K., THE UNITED STATES, THE

COUNTRIES THAT PROBABLY GAVE THEWEAPONS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]BUT STILL, THROWING DOWN AN

EMERGENCY MIDNIGHT MEETING,[BLEEPED] IS ABOUT TO GET REAL

PEACEFUL.

>> THE U.N. SECURITY COUNCILCALLED FOR AN IMMEDIATE,

UNCONDITIONAL CEASEFIRE.

>> Jon: BOOM!

UNCONDITIONAL.

NOT THAT SUCH RESOLUTIONS ARE INANY WAY ENFORCABLE OR

MEANINGFUL, BUT STILL, WHEN ARESOLUTION IS ISSUED...

>> THE UNITED NATIONS SECURITYCOUNCIL TOOK ACTION WITH A

STATEMENT, NOT A RESOLUTION.

>> Jon: EVEN A RESOLUTION WASTOO MUCH?

GUYS, I DON'T KNOW, A RESOLUTIONSEEMS PRETTY STERN, PRETTY

STERN, GUYS.

EVEN A STATEMENT, I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T... WHAT'S THE DEATHTOLL, 1,000 AND GROWING?

WHAT ABOUT WE JUST JUMP IN WITHAN...

[LAUGHTER]HEY, GUYS, YOU KNOW, IF THAT

GETS PUSHBACK, WE CAN TAKE ITDOWN A NOTCH. I MEAN,

WE'RE ONLY A COLLECTION OFTHE WORLD'S SUPERPOWERS.

TURNS OUT THE SECURITY COUNCILIS ABOUT AS STRICT WITH THE

MIDEAST AS MUSEUMS ARE WITHTHEIR ADMISSION PRICE.

ANYBODY ELSE, ANYBODY ELSE WANTTO TAKE A CRACK AT THIS?

>> DURING HIS WEEKLY ADDRESS,POPE FRANCIS HIS VOICE CRACKING

SAID, "I ASK YOU WITH ALL MYHEART, STOP, PLEASE."

>> Jon: YOUR HOLINESS, I COULDNOT AGREE MORE, BUT I HAVE TO

SAY, SHERIFF, NOT SURE THISPARTICULAR FIGHT IS YOUR

JURISDICTION, YOU KNOW WHAT I'MSAYING?

I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE GOING TOLISTEN.

SORT OF LIKE WHEN, NO...[LAUGHTER]

SORT OF LIKE WHEN THE DUKE BOYSGET OVER THE COUNTY LINE, SORRY,

ROSCO, IT'S THEIR PROBLEM NOW.

SO THE U.N. AND THE POPE CANNOTDO ANYTHING BUT SHAKE THEIR

HEADS AT THIS SITUATION ANDSIGH.

IS THERE ANYONE ELSE THAT HASTHE GRAVITY, THE AUTHORITY, THE

INTERNATIONAL GOODWILL TO STEPINTO THE RING?

>> SECRETARY OF STATE JOHN KERRYHEADING BACK TO THE MIDDLE EAST

TO TRY AGAIN FOR A CEASEFIREBETWEEN ISRAEL AND HAMAS.

>> Jon: ANYONE?

ANYONE ELSE?

ANYONE?

IS THERE ANYONE ELSE WHO HAS THEAUTHORITY TO [BLEEPED]?

[LAUGHTER]ALL RIGHT.

GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT.

>> ISRAEL'S SECURITY CABINET HASUNANIMOUSLY REJECTED SECRETARY

OF STATE JOHN KERRY'S PROPOSAL.

>> Jon: WOW.

UNANIMOUSLY.

JEWS DON'T USUALLY AGREE 100% ONANYTHING.

THAT'S... THIS IS A GOOD MARBLERYE.

IT'S DRY!

ACTUALLY, THE BEST COMMENT ABOUTTHIS CEASEFIRE STIPULATION FROM

KERRY FOR MY MONEY CAME FROM AVERY SENIOR ISRAELI GOVERNMENT

OFFICIAL, WHO DESCRIBED KERRY'SCEASEFIRE PROPOSAL AS "A

STRATEGIC TERRORIST ATTACK."

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

WHAT THE [BLEEPED]? ALL RIGHT.

THAT STINGS A BIT. A SHORT-TERMCEASEFIRE AGREEMENT THAT

INCLUDES STIPULATIONSISRAEL DISAGREES WITH IS

A STRATEGIC TERRORISTATTACK AGAINST YOU?

YOU, JOHN KERRY, HAVE HIT USWITH A STRATEGIC TERRORIST

ATTACK, AND ALSO THE IRON DOMESYSTEM YOUR COUNTRY HELPS US

DEVELOP AND FUND.

WE COULD USE ANOTHER $300MILLION OR MORE TO TOP IT ALL.

WE'VE BEEN USING IT A LOTLATELY.

I MEAN, COME ON!

AT LEAST KERRY'S KEEPING HISCHIN UP.

>> IT'S NEVER EASY, BUT THATDOESN'T MEAN YOU STOP,

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU TURN AWAY.

YOU HAVE TO KEEP DOING IT.

REMEMBER WHAT NELSON MANDELASAID: IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE

UNTIL IT IS DONE.

>> Jon: SO I WILL JUST PUT YOUDOWN FOR "SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE."

[LAUGHTER]WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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