Bill Maher

  • Aired:  06/23/14
  •  | Views: 72,099

Bill Maher explains his hypothetical campaign slogan: Drugs are good, and religion is bad. (6:36)

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, THE HOST OFHBO'S "REAL TIME WITH BILL

MAHER."

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THEPROGRAM BILL MAHER.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: SIR, HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M GOOD.

I WAS HOPING YOU'D DO A LITTLEMORE CHENEY COUGHING FOR ME,

THOUGH.

I LOVE THAT IMPRESSION.

YOU NAILED THAT, BY THE WAY.

>> Jon: HE HAS PHLEGM.

NOBODY DOES CHENEY PHLEGM LIKECHENEY.

>> DO A LITTLE MORE.

[JON CLEARING HIS THROAT]I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT.

OH, I TELL YOU.

>> Jon: HE'S TRYING TO GET THEINTELLIGENCE OUT OF...

>> THAT'S THE DEFINITIVE CHENEYPHLEGM.

I MEAN, FRED TRAVALENA DOES APRETTY GOOD ONE...

>> Jon: YEARS AGO.BUT, HE'S DOING AN IMPRESSION

OF CHENEY COUGHING.

I'M DOING CHENEY COUGHING.

>> YEAH, EXACTLY. THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S SO TRUE.

>> Jon: CAN YOU, CAN YOU,DID YOU EVER IMAGINE THAT

WE WOULD BE SITTING HERE,I DON'T KNOW,

11 YEARS AFTER INVADING IRAQ?

>> YOU WERE ABLE TO USE THEMESS 'O POTAMIA THING AGAIN.

>> Jon: MESS O'POTAMIA. ITHOUGHT WE'D RETIRED THAT.

>> THAT REALLY AMORTIZED OVERTIME, DIDN'T IT? BECAUSE YOU GOT

TO PUT IT UP AGAINAND USE IT. VERY COST EFFECTIVE.

>> Jon: THE MONEY. AND WHEN WERENDERED THAT GRAPHIC BACK

THEN, YOU KNOW, WE HAD TO DO THEGRAPHICS BACK THEN BY HAND.

>> OH, OF COURSE.>> Jon: THIS WAS YEARS AGO.

WE WOULD DRAW EACH CELL.

WE HAD SOME...

>> YOU SEND THEM OUT THE ITALYAND JAPAN.

>> Jon: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

WHAT WE WOULD DO IS AN ORIGAMIMOCK UP FIRST OF IT.

AND THEN WE WOULD SEND IT OUT.

>> WHEN I STARTED IN TV WE USEDPUPPETS.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: WHAT?

YOU WERE WITH SID AND MARTYCROFFT ALL THOSE YEARS AGO?

>> YES, YES, THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH.

>> Jon: YOU REMEMBER THOSESHOWS.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

>> I DO REMEMBER.

VIVIDLY.

>> Jon: LIDSVILLE. BOY, TALKABOUT LEGALIZING POT.

[LAUGHTER]>> I DO, QUITE OFTEN, AND IT

SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED.

>> Jon: LET ME ASK YOU AQUESTION. IT HAS WORKED.

IS THAT, CAN YOU POINT TO THAT?

ARE THERE THINGS THAT YOU HAVEADVOCATED OVER THE YEARS THAT

YOU FEEL LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT,THAT HAS HAD SOME EFFECT?

WE HAVE HAD SOME ISSUE IN THECONVERSATION?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

PEOPLE USED TO ASK ME, YOUKNOW, WOULD YOU EVER RUN FOR

OFFICE. THAT IS SUCHA SILLY QUESTION.

I COULD NEVER.

AND IF I DID, MY SLOGAN WOULDBE: 'DRUGS ARE GOOD AND RELIGION

IS BAD.'

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]SO, YOU CAN'T PROBABLY RUN FOR

OFFICE ON IN THIS COUNTRY,BUT I FEEL LIKE, YOU KNOW,

THE NEEDLE HAS MOVEDON BOTH THOSE.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> I THINK PEOPLE HAVE COME OVERTO MY WAY OF THINKING.

DRUGS ARE GOOD AND RELIGION ISBAD.

I'M GOING TO STICK WITH WITHTHAT.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THERELIGION THING.

DO YOU THINK THIS COUNTRY HASMOVED... I STILL FEEL LIKE THIS

FOR A WESTERN COUNTRY ISPROBABLY THE MOST RELIGIOUS.

>> OH, BY FAR.>> Jon: THE MOST GOD-FEARING.

>> OH, OF COURSE. I MEAN WE'RE,YES, WE'RE, AS IS OFTEN THE

CASE IN SOCIAL ISSUES,A STEP BEHIND...

>> Jon: RIGHT.>> OTHER COUNTRIES. AND

CERTAINLY ABOUT THAT. I MEAN,HILLARY CLINTON JUST SAID HER

FAVORITE BOOK WAS THE BIBLE.

>> Jon: WASN'T, THAT I THOUGHTWAS SO FUNNY...

>> YOU COULDN'T FIND SOMETHINGMORE VIOLENT LIKE "GAME OF

THRONES"?

THAT'S SO A BEAT BEHIND. YOUKNOW, THAT'S JUST

CERTAINLY NOT WHERE THEMILLENNIALS ARE. RIGHT?

>> Jon: WHAT?>> WHO ARE THE MILLENNIALS HERE?

[APPLAUSE]THEY'RE NOT RELIGIOUS.

>> Jon: BUT DON'T YOU THINKTHAT, THAT WAS MERELY AN

INDICATION THAT SHE'S RUNNINGFOR PRESIDENT.

THAT WAS NOT...>> I KNOW.

>> Jon: I DON'T THINK IN ANYREALITY THAT IS HER FAVORITEBOOK.

>> OH, OF COURSE NOT.

>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, NOW IDON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

SHE MET... YOU KNOW WHO IS ALIAR ABOUT THIS IS OBAMA.

OBAMA'S ALWAYS SPOUTINGSPIRITUAL BULL [BLEEPED], AND I

DON'T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND.>> Jon: YOU DON'T THINK?

>> HE'S A DROP-DEAD ATHEIST,ABSOLUTELY.

>> Jon: NO. HE SPENT,HOW MANY YEARS DID HE SPEND

IN REVEREND WRIGHT'S CHURCH.

HE SPENT A LONG TIME IN THECHICAGO...

>> HE NEVER WENT.

HE JOINED BECAUSE IT WASPOLITICALLY NECESSARY.

>> Jon: OH IS THAT TRUE, HEDIDN'T GO SO MUCH?

>> ABSOLUTELY NO.

>> Jon: NOT TO THE PICNICS? NOTTO ANYTHING?

>> NO, NOTHING.

HE JOINED BECAUSE HE WANTED TOMOVE AHEAD IN THAT POLITICAL

WORLD, AND, OF COURSE, YOU HADTO BE PART OF THE CHURCH.

>> Jon: BUT DON'T THEY SAY,THOUGH, THAT IN THIS COUNTRY,

IF YOU WANT TO BEELECTED, THE ONE THING YOU CAN'T

BE, YOU CAN BE GAY, A WOMAN, YOUCAN BE JEWISH,

>> YOU CAN'T BE AN ATHEIST...

>> Jon: YOU CAN'T BE AN ATHEIST.

I FIND THAT SO BIZARRE.

>> SO BIZARRE AND SO WRONGBECAUSE IT IS THE SINGLE BIGGEST

MINORITY IN THIS COUNTRY.

>> Jon: ATHEISTS?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> Jon: RIGHT. NOW I HAVE TO ASKYOU, THOUGH, BECAUSE THIS IS

VERY IMPORTANT. THIS IS BEYONDIRAQ, THIS IS BEYOND

IMMIGRATION, THIS IS BEYOND GAYMARRIAGE, THIS IS BEYOND BE

RELIGION.

>> OH MY GOD, I'M NERVOUS.

>> Jon: DON'T BE NERVOUS.

YOU ARE PART OWNER OF THE NEWYORK METROPOLITANS.

THAT IS, THEY ARE MY FAVORITETEAM.

I AM AS OLD AS THEY ARE.

WHEN YOU GO TO THE MEETING...

>> MINORITY OWNER, YEAH.

>> Jon: YOU'RE NOT A MINORITY.

DO THEY CONSIDER JEWS A MINORITYOVER THERE?

YOU'RE NOT A MINORITY.

SO WHEN YOU GO OVER THERE...

>> NEVER IN NEW YORK.

>> Jon: CAN I GIVE YOU... IHAVE A JAR OF TEARS THAT I HAVE,

THAT I HAVE BEEN SAVING.

[LAUGHTER]>> COULD YOU MIX WITH IT DICK

CHENEY'S PHLEGM?

>> Jon: YES!

IT WILL BE DONE.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO AN OWNERSHIPMEETING YET?

>> NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN TO AMEETING.

I'VE BEEN TO THE STADIUM A FEWTIMES SINCE THAT HAPPENED, BUT

THIS IS MY FIRST MEETINGTOMORROW.

THEY PLAYED AWESOME THIS WEEK.

I ALWAYS BRING THEM LUCK WHEN ICOME TO NEW YORK.

>> YEAH, NO. THEY BEAT THEMARLINS 3 OUT OF 4, SO THAT'S,

YOU KNOW, 3 OUT OF 4. [LAUGHTER]

>> BUT THEY'RE STARTING TO HIT.

THEY'RE STARTING TO HIT.

YOU KNOW, I'M TELLING YOU.

WEIRDER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.

REMEMBER THE '69 METS?

>> Jon: WELL, NO, THE '69 METSWERE GREAT, BUT IT'S '73.

I REMEMBER IN '73 THEY WERE LIKE14 GAMES BEHIND.

>> OH REALLY?>> Jon: IT WAS AUGUST.

AND THEN TUG MCGRAW, IF YOUREMEMBER, DID THE WHOLE, "YOU

GOT TO BELIEVE," ANDTHEY CHARGED BACK.

>> THAT'S RIGHT. BUT, WEREN'TTHEY WAY BACK IN '69, TOO?

>> I DON'T BELIEVE SO. I THINKIN '69,

THEY WERE BEHIND THE CUBS, BUT ITHINK THEY WON 100 GAMES THAT

YEAR OR VERY CLOSE TO THAT.

THEY WERE A VERY GOOD TEAM.

IN '73 THEY WERE TERRIBLE, BUTTHE REST OF THE DIVISION WAS

TERRIBLE.

>> WELL, THEY'RE ACOME-FROM-BEHIND TEAM.

MAKE YOUR OWN GAY JOKE NOW.

>> Jon: WELL, I'M EXCITED FORYOU.

I ALWAYS GO TO THE LAST MET GAMEOF THE YEAR.

>> COME WITH ME SOME TIME.

>> Jon: WELL, I LIKE TO GO TOTHE LAST GAME, BECAUSE THEN ME

AND MY SON HAVE THE RUN OF THEPLACE.

>> OH. [LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US,

LITERALLY.

IF YOU EVER WANT GO TO A SHAKESHACK WITH NO LINE, LAST GAME OF

THE YEAR, CITI FIELD.

>> I DON'T, BUT THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: "REAL TIME WITH BILL

MAHER" AIRS FRIDAY NIGHTS AT10:00 ON HBO.

BILL MAHER.

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