You're Welcome - Balancing the Budget

  • Aired:  02/16/11
  •  | Views: 91,532

John Hodgman wants to balance the budget by changing the Pentagon to a rhombus and legalizing murder. (5:06)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

AS WE JUST SAW -- SORRY.

AS WE JUST SAW BALANCING OUR

NATION'S BUDGET AS WELL AS

NUMEROUS PROPS SEEMS ALL BUT

IMPOSSIBLE.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR HELP FROM THAT WE TURN TO

"THE DAILY SHOW" RESIDENT

PROBLEM SOLVER JOHN HODGMAN AND

HIS SEGMENT "YOU'RE WELCOME."

♪ ♪

>> Jon: THANKS FOR JOINING US.

THIS WEEK THE WHITE HOUSE

RELEASED ITS BUDGET [BUZZER]

>> HANG ON ONE SECOND.

>> Jon: WHAT IS THAT?

>> WATSON THE JEOPARDY COMPUTER.

HE'S DOING MILLIONAIRE TONIGHT.

I'M HIS PHONE A FRIEND.

THIS WILL JUST TAKE A SECOND.

YES, I'M HERE WATSON.

>> HODGMAN, I NEED YOUR HELP.

>> JUST RELAX AND TELL ME THE

QUESTION.

>> QUEERY: WHICH ACTOR PLAYED

CAPTAIN STIEWBING ON LOVEBOAT.

LOGICAL MAN CANNOT LOVE BOAT.

EXTERMINATE.

>> NO EXTERMINATE, NO!

>> HODGE HODGMAN, YOU HAVE TO

GET ME OUT OF THIS LIKE LAST

TIME.

>> OKAY, OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT.

I SEEM TO HAVE LOST HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: JOHN, CAN WE SPEED

THIS UP.

I HAVE TO BE AT THE ABC STUDIOS.

>> Jon: HO DO WE CUT THE

STPWHUGT.

>> START WITH PUT KUTS TO THE

PENTAGON.

>> Jon: PRESIDENT OBAMA

PROPOSED $80 BILLION IN CUTS TO

THE MILITARY.

YOU ARE SAYING THAT'S NOT

ENOUGH.

>> I'M TALKING ABOUT THE

BUILDING THE PENTAGON.

DO WE REALLY NEED A BUILDING

WITH FIVE SIDES?

[LAUGHTER]

IN THIS ECONOMY ISN'T THAT

EXTRAVAGANT.

>> Jon: YOU ARE SUGGESTING WEG

CHANGE THE PENTAGON TO A

RECTANGLE.

>> WHAT ARE WE PORTUGAL?

NO.

A RHOBUS THE MOST MENACING, OUR

ENEMIES MUST KNOW WE'RE SERIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: CUTTING COST IS JUST

ONCE OUT OF EQUATION, JOHN.

THE GOVERNMENT HAS TO RAISE

REVENUE.

IF HE WE GOT RID OF BUSH TAX

CUTS FOR THE TOP 40% THAT'S $40

BILLION RIGHT THERE.

>> WE CANNOT RAISE TAXES.

HARD-WORKING PEOPLE IN THIS

COUNTRY GIVE ENOUGH OF THEIR

PAYCHECK TO THE GOVERNMENT.

AND FOR WHAT SO NASA CAN BUY A

TOILET SEAT FOR $10 MILLION.

WHEN I COMES TO SPENDING OUR

MONEY, I PUT MY TRUST IN THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE [CASH REGISTER]

>> Jon: WHAT IS THAT SOUND?

>> IT'S A KA-CHING, JON.

A TAX ON ANTITAX CLEE SHAYS.

WE CAN TAX THE BUMPER STICKERS

ABOUT TAXES.

YOU TRY ONE.

>> Jon: YOU CAN KEEP YOUR

HOPE, I'LL KEEP THE CHANGE

[CHA-CHING SOUND]

>> GOOD ONCE.

>> Jon: RONALD REAGAN --

[CHA-CHING] THAT'S ALL I HAD TO

SAY REAGAN?

>> YOU PROBABLY COULD HAVE GONE

IT WITH RONALD RE --

>> Jon: THAT FILLS THE

NATION'S COFFERS.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO?

LEGALIZE IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

LEGALIZING MURDER.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE A PRETTY HIP

CROWD, JON.

>> Jon: YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT

LEGALIZING MURDER?

>> MURDER.

ALL I'M SAYING IS LET'S PUT THE

FREE MARKET DARINNAN THEORIES TO

THE TEST.

LET THE WEAK PERSONNISH AND LET

THE STRONG TAKE THEIR WIVES SO

LONG AS THEY CAN PAY THE BIGAMY

TAX.

>> Jon: WHAT ABOUT SOCIAL

SECURITY AND MEDICARE?

>> THAT'S HALF OUR BUDGET RIGHT

THERE.

DEDICATED TO TAKING CARE OF THE

OLDIES AND SICKIES AT THE

EXPENSE OF THE YOUNGIES AND

SEXYIES LIKE US.

MORE LIKE US.

SORRY.

POINT IS, IT'S NOT FAIR.

>> Jon: YOU ARE SAYING GET RID

OF THE OLD AND INFIRMED, IS THAT

WHAT YOU'RE --

>> NO, NO, DON'T GET RID OF

THEM.

LET'S MAKE SOCIAL SECURITY FUN.

WE'LL MAKE IT A COMPETITION.

WINNER TAKE ALL.

>> Jon: YOU DON'T MEAN?

>> YES, JON, A GENTLEMAN'S

AGREEMENT IN WHICH THE LAST

LIVING PARTICIPANT COLLECTS ALL

OF THE SOCIAL SECURITY MONEY.

>> Jon: IF MURDER IS LEGAL

THAT INCENTIVIZES PEOPLE TO KILL

EACH OTHER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> SORRY, JON, WHAT WERE YOU

SAYING.

>> Jon: THAT INCENTIVIZES

PEOPLE TO KILL EACH OTHER TO WIN

THE POT.

>> DON'T BE SILLY, JON, DON'T BE

SILLY AT ALL P. COME HERE,

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