Missile: Impossible

  • Aired:  11/10/10
  •  | Views: 215,872

Wyatt Cenac reports that there is a boy attached to the alleged mysterious missile spotted off the California coast. (8:34)

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY,

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME, WE WILL COME TO HOCKEY

NIGHT.

HERE AT THE "THE DAILY SHOW".

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FISTACUFFS ABREWING.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT HARD CORE

WRESTLING LEGEND MICK FOLEY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COINCIDENTALLY HIS BOOK CAN ALSO

BE USED AS A FOREIGN OBJECT.

FROM TIME TO TIME I LIKE TO

CHECK IN WITH THE LOCAL NEWS IN

LOS ANGELES HOPING TO REINFORCE

MY VOW TO NEVER EVER LIVE THERE.

HOW IS IT GOING OUT THERE?

>> MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS

WITH A MYSTERY MISSILE LAUNCH

LAST NIGHT OWE OFF THE SOUTHERN

CALIFORNIA COAST.

>> Jon: THAT'S A NEW REASON TO

ADD TO MY LIST.

LET'S SEE: EARTHQUAKES, WILD

FIRES, MUD SLIDES HOLLYWOOD

D-BAGS UNIDENTIFIED INCOMING

MISSILES.

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ONE OF THOSE STORIES THAT

AT FIRST BLUSH SEEMS MISS MYSTERIOUS

BUT IT HAS A BENAL NOT NEWS

WORTHY RESOLUTION.

IN OTHER WORDS CATNIP.

TAKE IT, BOYS.

♪ ♪

>> A MISSILE WAS LAUNCHED OFF

THE CALIFORNIA COAST LAST NIGHT.

A MYSTERIOUS MISSILE LAUNCH.

IS IT A MISSILE?

WHAT IS IT?

>> SOMEBODY KNOWS.

WHOEVER LAUNCHED IT HAS TO KNOW.

>> Jon: SOMEONE OR SOMETHING

HAS OR HAS IN THE LAUNCHED A

MISSILE OR IN THE A MISSILE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND BELIEVE ME WHOEVER DID OR

DID NOT DO THIS THEY KNOW WHO

THEY ARE OR ARE NOT.

BATMAN TO THE YELLOW PAGES.

♪ ♪

MONTAGE.

>> WE HAVE CALLED EVER MILITARY

BUSINESS IN THE WESTERN REGION.

WE'VE CALLED NORAD,.

>> WE'VE CALLED THE NAVY, THE

AIR FORCE, THE PENTAGON, LOCAL

MEMBERS OF CONGRESS, NO ONE KNEW

ANYTHING.

>> WE'RE GETTING NO ANSWERS FROM

ALL THE DIFFERENT DEMOCRATS OF

GOVERNMENT.

>> Jon: I CAN'T BELIEVE

CUTTING THROUGH THE BUREAUCRACY

TO FIND OUT ABOUT SOMETHING THAT

MAY NOT HAVE HAPPENED TAKES

LONGER THAN AN HOUR-LONG CABLE

NEWS SHIFT.

WHILE WE'RE WAITING --

>> IT LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE A

LAUNCH FROM A SUBMARINE.

>> A MISSILE FROM A NAVY SHIP.

>> IT COULD BE A SECRET TEST?

>> A RUSSIAN SUB?

>> A COMMERCIAL LAUNCH.

>> OPTICAL ILLUSION.

>> MAYBE EVEN A U.S.

INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC

MISSILE.

>> SEELY HIGHLY UNDERCOVER

OPERATION.

>> WHAT ELSE COULD DO THAT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: A GIANT SKY (bleep).

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ARE YOU EVEN ALLOWED TO SHOW

THAT ON TELEVISION?

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW WHAT THIS IS, A MISSILE

LAUNCH OFF THE COAST OF

CALIFORNIA JUST WEEKS BEFORE THE

ACTION HERO GOVERNOR IS SET TO

RETIRE.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IS

GOVERNOR ARNOLD SWAGZ EGG INNER

IN MISSILE TOES.

DON'T DO IT, GOVERNOR, YOU ONLY

HAVE TWO WEEKS UNTIL RETIREMENT

AND THERE'S A 100% CHANCE OF

DEATH.

>> AND THEY TOLD ME A MAN

COULDN'T GET PREGNANT, BUT I

DID.

I HAD THAT BABY AND THAT BABY

WAS DANNY DE VITO.

>> MR. GOVERNOR YOU ARE

CONFUSING YOUR MOVIES.

>> WE DON'T HAVE TIME.

NOW STRAP ME TO A FASTER MISSILE

SO I CAN CATCH UP TO THE SLOWER

MISSILE AND BLOW THEM BOTH UP

FALLING TO SAFETY ON A DO YOU

KNOW IN THE ARIZONA DESERT.

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY --

[LAUGHTER]

-- WE DO A LOT OF IMPROVE --

IMPROV OF THE SHOW.

MAYBE THE HELICOPTER COULD SHOT

THE VIDEO COULD ANSWER THE

QUESTIONS.

>> IT WAS A PLUME RISING UP FROM

WHAT LOOKED LIKE BEYOND THE

HORIZON.

IT CONTINUED TO GROW.

>> HE ZOOMED IN AND STAYED ON IT

FOR TEN MINUTES.

TO HIM IT LOOKS LIKE AN INCOMING

MISSILE.

>> Jon: DID YOU SAY TEN

MINUTES?

[LAUGHTER]

AN INCOMING MISSILE THAT HE WAS

ABLE TO TRACK FOR TEN MINUTES?

DON'T MISSILES TRAVEL LIKE

18,000 MILES PER HOUR SNL.

[LAUGHTER]

SO TEN MINUTES IN MISSILE TIME

IS 3,000 MILES.

IF IT WAS A MISSILE, WOULDN'T IT

BE IN (bleep) HAWAII BY THEN?

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE THIS MISSILE THING ISN'T

ACTUALLY A MISSILE.

>> LOOKS LIKE THE AIRCRAFT UP

HIGH AND STILL IN THE SUNLIGHT.

>> IF I WERE TO PUT MONEY ON THE

TABLE, I WOULD PUT MONEY ON AN

AIRPLANE.

>> Jon: SOUNDS PLAUSIBLE.

[LAUGHTER]

I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THAT FROM

SOMEONE WITH A DOG ON THEIR LAP.

>> MILITARY MISSILE EXPERT

BELIEVES IT'S AN AIRPLANE,

LIKELY A JUMBO JET.

>> Jon: SOLD TO THE MAN USING

A LABRADOODLE AS A BONER SHIELD.

PROBLEM SEEMINGLY SOLVED.

THE NEWS MEDIA IS GOING TO FEEL

PRETTY SILLY FREAKING OUT OVER

THIS AND WE KNOW WHO THEY ARE

GOING TO BLAME.

THE PENTAGON HAD 24 HOURS TO

INVESTIGATE THIS VIDEO.

WHY CAN'T THEY SAY THIS WAS A

JET PLUME?

>> THEY HESITATED AND HESITATED.

THEY WANTED TO MAKE SURE WE'RE

TOLD IT WAS NOT A SECRET BLACK

OPERATION THEY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT

IN THE HESITATION THEY PROVIDED

THE CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

>> Jon: ARE YOU EXTOWARDING

THE PENTAGON.

I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING BUT AH,

YOU DON'T GET BACK TO ME FRONT

FRONT -- PRONTO I'M GOING TO

START SAYING CRAZY (bleep).

THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

ANYWAY WE'RE GOING TO WYATT

CENAC.

WYATT IN LOS ANGELES, WHAT IS

GOING ON?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> JON, JON --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-- ALL SEEMS CLEAR FOR NOW

TONIGHT.

ANGELONS CAN REST EASY.

>> Jon: WHY IS IT EVERYONE HAD

TO LIVE IN FEAR FOR A FEW HOURS?

IT WAS LIKE THE NUCLEAR

ARMAGEDDON VERSION OF THE

BALLOON BOY EPISODE?

>> ARE YOU SAYING THERE WAS A

POSSIBILITY OF A BOY BIG SRAFLD

IN THIS?

A MISSILE BOY, IF WILL YOU?

I'VE GOT BREAKING NEWS THAT I'M

ASSUMING ANYONE I CALL WILL

NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY,

THERE'S A BOY ATTACHED TO THE

MISSILE.

SOMEONE IN SPACE THERE'S A BOY

RIDING A MISSILE.

>> Jon: IT'S LIKE BECAUSE YOU

HAVE TO FILL AIRTIME THE NORMAL

BACKGROUNDWORK IS JUST SHOWN ON

THE AIR.

ANSWERS HAVE TO COME QUICKER

THAN ANSWERS EVER DO.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,

YOU'VE GOT TO RUN BEFORE YOU CAN

WALK.

>> Jon: NO, WYATT, THEY SAY

THE OPPOSITE OF THAT.

THIS IS NOT WHAT THEY -- I CAN'T

BELIEVE YOU ARE DOING THIS?

>> WOULD YOU RATHER I WARN YOU

OF NOTHING?

>> Jon: I WOULD RATHER YOU

WARN ME IF YOU FIGURE OUT IF

IT'S TRUE.

>> I DO DO THAT.

>> Jon: ROLL 212.

>> DO NOT ROLL THAT.

>> Jon: CHUCK --

>> THE SUN IS FALLING OUT OF

SKY.

IT'S DROPPING QUICKLY INTO THE

SEA THREATENING TO PLUNGE THE

EARTH INTO PERMANENT DARKNESS.

THE PENTAGON SAID WAIT UNTIL

MORNING.

BREAK NEWS A GIANT DRAGON WITH

HUMAN FEET IS TERRORIZING CANAL

STREET.

FURTHERMORE, JON, THE PRIME

MINISTER -- OH, JON, THIS JUST

IN I THINK I'M BECOMING A WERE

WOLF.

SAVE YOURSELF.

CHAIN ME BANKRUPT IT'S TOO LATE.

I STILL THINK

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