Green the Army Now

  • Aired:  10/05/10
  •  | Views: 100,686

President Obama apologizes for the Guatemalan syphilis experiment, and the military shoves its left-wing extremism down America's throat. (7:52)

COMEDY CENTRAL

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

WE WILL TO "THE DAILY SHOW".

WELCOME TO THE MOTHER (bleep)

DAILY SHOW!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MY NAME IS (bleep) (bleep).

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAD A -- A BUS OF NUNS CAME

IN TO SEE THE SHOW TONIGHT.

REALLY WANTED TO HEAR WHAT IT

SOUND LIKE WITHOUT THE BEEPING.

[LAUGHTER]

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS BRUCE WILLIS

HERE TO PROMOTE A NEW MOVIE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE VERY EXCITEMENTED ABOUT

THAT.

WE BEGIN TONIGHT WITH ATONEMENT.

WE'VE ALL DONE THINGS WE REGRET,

A CROSS WORD SAID TO A VALUED

FRIEND, AN OPPORTUNITY FOR

CHARITY MISSED, JOINING A CLUB

WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE IS TO

CAPTURE, KILL AND THE EAT AND

THE WORLD'S MOST ENDANGERED

SPECIES.

[LAUGHTER]

PANDA NUGGETS.

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY, AMERICA IS NO DIFFERENT.

>> THERE WAS AN EXTRAORDINARY

APOLOGY TODAY FROM PRESIDENT

OBAMA FOR SOMETHING THAT

HAPPENED MORE THAN 60 YEARS AGO.

>> WHAT -- LARRY KING'S FIRST WE

HADDING IS NOT THE PRESIDENT'S

FAULT.

[LAUGHTER]

UNLESS WHAT COULD HAVE AMERICA

DONE IN THE NOOURTS WAS -- 40s

THAT WAS SO BAD WE HAVE TO

APOLOGIZE NOW.

THE U.S. CONDUCTED MEDICAL

EXPERIMENTS THAT INVOLVED

INFECTING GUATEMALAN MENTAL

PATIENTS WITH SEXUALLY

TRANSMITTED DISEASES.

>> Jon: SO GLAD IT WASN'T AT

TOMMIC BOMB THING.

BUT GUATEMALA SYPHILIS

EXPERIMENT IS PRETTY MESSED UP.

BY THE WAY TKPWAUT GUATEMALAN

SYPHILIS EXPERIMENT: WORST BEN

ANDER IS'S FLAVOR EVER.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE SORRY GUATEMALA.

SO WE'RE COOL NOW?

>> PEOPLE IN THE U.S. GOVERNMENT

WENT DOWN TO GUATEMALA AND THEY

FOUND PROSTITUTES WHO HAD

SYPHILIS.

THEY JUST NATURALLY HAD SYPHILIS

AND THEY AROUND FOR THEM TO HAVE

SEX WITH PRISONERS AND PATIENTS

IN MENTAL INSTITUTIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: HALLMARK HAS A CARD

FOR EVERYTHING AND HERE YOU

GOOD.

SORRY.

WE -- HERE YOU GO.

SORRY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

WE COOL?

>> AND WHEN THAT DIDN'T GIVE

THEMSY OF -- THEM SYPHILIS, THEY

WOULD PUT ABRASIONS ON THEM AND

WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK THEY WERE

PUNCTURE THEIR SPINES AND

DELIVER THE BACTERIA THAT WAY.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ LOVE HURTS ♪

>> Jon: IT PLAYS MUSIC.

♪ ♪

(bleep) HEY, IF I MAKES YOU

FEEL ANY BETTER (bleep) IS NOT

GOING WELL FOR US EITHER.

THERE'S BEEN AN INTERESTING

DEVELOPMENT IN OVERSEAS.

AFTER PAKISTAN CLOSED A SUPPLY

ROUTE MILITANTS APPEARED AND ARE

ATTACKING THE TANKERS.

TO LIKE THE MILITANTS WERE

TIPPED OFF OR SOMETHING.

IT'S LIKE PAKISTAN IS PLAYING A

WEIRD GAME LIKE BACK STAB YOUR

FRIENDS CHUTES AND LADDERS.

THEY ARE SERVING UP OCCUPY FUEL

CONVOYS TO ISLAMIC MILITANTS ON

A PLATTER WHICH IS WHY OUR

MILITARY IS DOING WHAT IT CAN TO

AVOID THIS IN THE FUTURE.

>> GOING GREEN IS A WAY TO SAVE

LIVES AND MONEY.

>> IT'S A MATTER OF ENERGY

INTERPENCE AND SECURITY.

NAVY MARINE CORPS FULFILL EVERY

MISSION GIVEN TO THEM INCLUDING

HELPING US BECOME ENERGY

INDEPENDENT.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE

BEEN TOLD.

HYBRID TANKS HELP US GROW OLD.

WE'RE JOINED BY SENIOR MILITARY

ANALYST JASON JONES.

JASON, VERY INTERESTING

DEVELOPMENT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

VERY INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT

THAT ENERGY INDEPENDENCE AND

ENVIRONMENTAL INNOVATION ARE

BEING USED IN THE MILITARY TO

LITERALLY SAVE LIVES.

>> WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A

GROUP OF HARD CORE COMMITTED

LEFTISTS LIKE THE U.S. MILITARY

WITH THEIR BIOFUELS AND SOLAR

TENTS AND LATTE HELMETS.

>> Jon: THEY ARE JUST LOOKING

TO EQUIP THE TROOPS WITH THE

BEST AVAILABLE MOST SELF

SUFFICIENT TECHNOLOGYth BACK

IN THE DAY THE BEST MILITARY

TECHNOLOGY WAS THE STUFF WITH

THE MOST KA BOOM BOOM JUICE IN

IT.

NOW THAT THE LIBS ARE IN CHARGE

IT'S LIKE, HEY, BRA, I'M THE

DUDE THAT SHOT YOU.

CAN I HAVE MY BULLET SFWHAK WE

RECYCLE!

>> Jon: I DON'T THINK THE ARMY

GUYS SOUND LIKE SPICOLLI, JASON.

I THINK YOU ARE MISREPRESENTING

A LIBERAL AGENDA TO THE

MILITARY.

>> REALLY?

DO YOU CONSIDER THE CHAIRMAN OF

JOINT CHIEFS THE MILITARY?

>> IT'S MY PERSONAL BELIEF THAT

ALLUG GAZE AND LESBIANS TO SERVE

OPENLY WOULD BE THE RIGHT THING

TO DO.

COME ON IS THIS THE UNITED

STATES ARMY OR WES LEANN.

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY

HAVE SOCIALIZED MEDICINE.

>> Jon: ACTUALLY THE

GOVERNMENT PROVIDES UNIVERSAL

HEALTH CARE FOR MEMBERS OF

MILITARY AND VETERANS SO --

>> CHRIST, WHY DON'T WE JUST PAY

FOR THEM TO GO TO SCHOOL.

>> Jon: THEY SERVED THE

COUNTRY SO THE G.I. BILL

ACTUALLY DOES --

>> MUST BE NICE LIVE OVERSEAS

WHILE UNCLE SAM PAYS YOU TO

BUILD SCHOOLS FOR MUSLIM.

>> Jon: WE HAVE TO CHANGE

HEARTS AND MINDS.

WE NEED MUSLIM OUTREACH.

>> YOU SOUND LIKE ONE OF THESE

HIPPY GENERALS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE PAINTING

ON THE SIDE OF BOMBS THESE DAYS?

>> Jon: THE NAMES OF THEIR

GIRLFRIENDS IS TRADITIONAL?

>> GIRLFRIENDS, JON, THEY ARE

ALL GAY, WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?

[LAUGHTER]

NO, NO, NO, THEY ARE PROBABLY

WRITING STUFF LIKE THIS.

>> Jon: WHAT, NO!

>> FREE HEALTH CARE.

GAY GREEN TECHNOLOGY.

YOU ARE SAYING THE ONLY WAY TO

KEEP OUR FREEDOMS IN THE FREE

MARKET IS TO TURN OUR DEFENDERS

INTO SOCIALISTS.

>> Jon: I MEAN THE ARMY HAS

ALWAYS BEEN ON THE CUTTING EDGE

OF SOCIAL CHANGE.

IT'S ONE OF FIRST INSTITUTIONS

TO INTEGRATE.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT THE ARMY HAS

BEEN SHOFG ITS LEFT WING

EXTREMISM DOWN AMERICA'S

THROATS.

YOU CAN SEE A CLEAR ANN

ANTICOLONIALIST PHILOSOPHY.

>> Jon: YOU MEAN THE

REVOLUTIONARY WAR.

>> YES.

IT MILITARY DOESN'T LOOK LIKE

REGULAR AMERICANS, ALL IN SHAPE

AND MUSCLY.

WE NEED AN ARMED FORCES THAT

REFLECTS MAINSTREAM AMERICA.

>> Jon: THIS IS WHAT WE NEED

FOR OUR MILITARY TO BE AROUND

ELITE FIGHTING FORCE.

>> YOU ADMIT

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