Everybody Hates U.S. - Nations Be Spying, Yo

  • Aired:  10/24/13
  •  | Views: 69,488

When it comes to spying, the American government isn't doing anything to the rest of the world that it isn't already doing at home. (3:32)

(LAUGHTER)>> Jon: ALL RIGHT SO,

PAKISTAN, FRANCE AND GERMANYMIGHT HAVE A FEW TINY

REASONS TO BE MAD AT US.

WE CAN GET BACK FROM THIS.

>> IN MEXICO MANY REMAINANGRY OVER REPORTS THE NSA

HACKED INTO THE FORMERMEXICAN PRESIDENT'S E-MAIL.

>> THE BRAZILIAN PRESIDENTSAID SHE WAS FORCED TO

POSTPONE A PLANNED TRIP TOTHE U.S. FOLLOWING REPORTS

THE NSA SPIED ON HERPERSONAL COMMUNICATIONS.

>> COMPLAINTS FROM NEARLY 40OTHER COUNTRIES OVER

REVELATIONS THAT THENATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY HAS

BEEN SPYING ON THEIRINTERNAL COMMUNICATIONS.

>> Jon: AWKWARD.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, WE HAVEA PROBLEM?

WE'RE SOMEHOW ADDICTED TOPARANOID SNOOPING ON

EVERYONE AND EVERYTHINGAROUND US.

HOW DARE YOU!

I'M SO OFFENDED!

I BID YOU GOOD DAY!

BUT AS A PARTING GIFT IF ICOULD JUST LEAVE THIS RIGHT

HERE-- IT'S JUST A-- IT'S ANINNOCUOUS TOASTER.

DON'T USE IT, JUST WHEN YOUARE SAYING THINGS, IF YOU

COULD MAKE TOAST, WE WOULD,REST OF THE WORLD MEET ME AT

CAMERA 3.

>> SEE GUYS, YOU ARE ALL UPSETWE ARE SPYING ON YOU AND

DRONE STRIKING YOU AND YOUARE REALLY UPSET BUT

I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION.

HAVE YOU MET US?

MEDDLING INTO YOUR AFFAIRFOR OUR NATIONAL

SELF-INTEREST IS KIND OF OURTHING.

WHAT PART OF EVERYTHINGWE'VE DONE SINCE THE MONROE

DOCTRINE DON'T YOU GET.

I MEAN BUGGING YOUR PHONESIS PRETTY WEAK TEA FOR US.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CIGARSHRAPNEL CASTRO IS STILL

PULLING OUT OF HIS ASS.

BESIDES, IF IT MAKES YOUFEEL ANY BETTER THE

GOVERNMENT ISN'T DOINGANYTHING TO YOU THAT THEY

AIN'T DOING TO US.

SEE, RIGHT THERE, BOOM, THEY'RE SPYING, GET

THIS.

THEY'RE SPYING ON OUR STUDIO,AND I'M LITERALLY SAYING

THAT INTO A CAMERA THAT ISGOING TO BROADCAST.

IT SEEMS KIND OF REDUNDANT,I DON'T EVEN KNOW-- OKAY, I

DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THATONE.

DIDN'T-- DID NOT KNOW ABOUTTHAT ONE.

SO LOOK, WORLD.

YOU WANT AN APOLOGY?

FINE.

WE'RE SORRY.

THAT YOU FORGOT THAT WE AREKIND OF DICKS.

(LAUGHTER)YOU KNOW WHAT?

ALL NATIONS ACT IN THEIR OWNSELF-INTEREST.

DON'T ACT LIKE YOUR [BLEEP]DON'T STINK, IT DOES.

AND WE KNOW BECAUSE WE HAVEA SUPERSECRET PROGRAM THAT

IT GOES THROUGH.

BY THE WAY, GERMANY, YOUMIGHT WANT TO EASE UP ON

THE-- EVERYTHING YOU EAT ANDDRINK.

(LAUGHTER)>> FRANCE, YOU DON'T LIKE

OUR HUBRIS NOW, YOU SURE LIKEDIT WHEN YOU HANDED OFF THE

VIETNAM WAR-- COULD YOU HOLDTHIS WAR FOR US A LITTLE

BIT.

WE HAVE SOMETHING TO DO INALGERIA, AND PAKISTAN, YOU

KNOW THAT SOME THOSE DRONESTRIKES WERE AT YOUR

REQUEST.

AND BY THE WAY, WHEN WEREYOU GOING TO TELL US THAT

BIN LADEN WAS CRASHING ONYOUR COUCH.

AND YOU, GERMANY, YEAH, YOU-- (LAUGHTER)

DO I REALLY HAVE TO JUSTIFYMYSELF TO A COUNTRY THAT

INVADED POLAND BECAUSE THEYTHOUGHT POLAND WAS LOOKING

AT THEM FUNNY?

SO GET OVER IT OR BETTER YET,TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWNMENT

DON'T THINK OF US AN ANOVERLY AGGRESSIVE PARANOID

SUPERPOWER, THINK OF US ASWHAT ANYONE'S LOOKING FOR IN

A PARTNER.

A GOOD LISTENER(LAUGHTER)

A GREAT LISTENER.

THE BEST LISTENER IN THEHISTORY OF THE WORLD.

SO BEFORE YOU SAY THANK YOU,I WOULD ONLY ASK ONE THING.

CAN YOU SAY IT A LITTLECLOSER TO THAT TOASTER?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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