A Few Gay Men

  • Aired:  09/20/11
  •  | Views: 96,770

Jason Jones reports from Afghanistan on how the end of "don't ask, don't tell" turned our once proud armed forces into a camouflage-thonged pansexual bacchanal. (4:06)

ANYWAY, LET'S BEGIN THE NIGHT

WITH NEWS FROM THE MILITARY.

IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS SHOW

FROM A MILITARY BASE AND YOU'VE

NOTICED THAT YOUR FELLOW

SOLDIERS SEEM SOMEWHERE BETWEEN

2% TO 10% HAPPIER TODAY--

(LAUGHTER)

-- THE FIGURES ARE VERY HARD TO

GET.

THERE'S A REASON.

>> THE POLICY THAT BANNED GAYS

FROM SERVING OPENLY IN THE

MILITARY IS NOW HISTORY.

>> FROM NOW ON, GAYS CAN SERVE

OPENLY IN THE MILITARY.

>> AND THE 13,000 WHO WERE

DISCHARGED UNDER "DON'T ASK,

DON'T TELL" CAN REENLIST.

>> Jon: THAT'S HOW RIDICULOUS

THIS POLICY WAS.

THE APOLOGY FOR THE AFFRONT IS

"ALL RIGHT, SORRY, YOU CAN GO TO

AFGHANISTAN AND FIGHT FOR YOUR

COUNTRY."

(LAUGHTER)

BY THE WAY... I KNOW.

THEY'RE LUCKY IT WAS GAY PEOPLE

THAT THEY DISCHARGED FROM THE

ARMY.

ONLY GAY PEOPLE WOULD REMAIN IN

GOOD ENOUGH SHAPE TO BE ABLE TO

REENLIST.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOR MORE ON THE END OF "DON'T

ASK, DON'T TELL," WE GO TO JASON

JONES INSIDE CAMP D.W.I.ER IN

HELMAND PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN.

JASON, WHAT'S THE SITUATION OVER

THERE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> JON, THE NIGHTMARE IS REAL!

THE REPEAL OF "DON'T ASK, DON'T

TELL" HAS TURNED OUR ONCE-PROUD

ARMED FORCES INTO A CAMOUFLAGED

THONG PAN-SEXUAL BACCHANAL.

THIS ISN'T AN ARMY OF ONE, IT'S

AN ARMY OF FUN!

WHOO!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WOW, THAT'S QUITE A GET

WILL HAVE UP.

WOW.

THANK GOD YOU'RE ON SATELLITE.

THAT WOULD HAVE CREATED A HUGE

STIR IF PEOPLE HAD CAUGHT A

GLIMPSE OF THAT OUTFIT.

BUT WAIT A SECOND, JASON,

SOMETHING IS NOT... WHERE ARE

ALL THE SOLDIERS?

>> THEY... UM... UM... THEY'RE

AT TRADER JOE'S!

(LAUGHTER)

GETTING VODKA AND CLEMENTINES.

WE'RE MAKING TANGERINIS!

WHOO!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: JASON, THERE AREN'T ANY

TRADER JOE NIECE AFGHANISTAN.

>> NO.

I KNOW.

CUT THE MUSIC, THIS IS... I'M

SORRY, I WAS JUST TRYING TO

LIVEN UP THE REPORT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: SO SOLDIERS AREN'T,

BECAUSE OF THE REPEAL OF "DON'T

ASK, DON'T TELL" WANDERING

AROUND IN CUT OFF SHORT-SHORTS.

>> NO, THESE ARE MINE.

(LAUGHTER)

ARMY REGULATIONS STILL REQUIRE

ALL SHORT-SHORTS TO BE ANKLE

LENGTH.

AND THEY'RE TO BE CALLED PANTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: WHAT ABOUT ALL THE HAND

WRINGING OVER THE CHANGES THAT

REPEALING "DON'T ASK, DON'T

TELL" WOULD BRING?

THE FAMILY RESEARCH COUNCIL

WARNED THE REPEAL WOULD LEAD TO

SEXUAL ASSAULTS IN THE SHOWERS.

>> NO.

TURNS OUT REPEALING "DON'T ASK,

DON'T TELL" DOESN'T ALL OF A

SUDDEN MAKE SHOWER RAPE LEGAL.

(LAUGHTER)

IN FACT, FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND

ALL RAPES-- HOMOSEXUAL AND

HETEROSEXUAL-- STILL ILLEGAL.

>> Jon: HAVE YOU NOTICED ANY

CHANGES AT ALL?

>> NOT REALLY, JON.

IT'S NOT LIKE PEOPLE THAT WORK

IN CLOSE QUARTERS AND COUNT ON

PROTECTING EACH OTHER LIKE

FAMILY DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THE

DEAL.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL

THE REPEAL OF DON'T CAN ASK

DON'T TELL AROUND HERE?

"NO D'UH TUESDAY."

AND GUESS WHO THE COMMANDING

OFFICER WAS WHO BROKE THE NEWS

TO THEM?

>> Jon: WHO?

>> CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

>> I MEAN, JON, IT WAS THE ARMY

WHO INVENTED GAYDAR IN THE '06s.

>> Jon: SO THE BIG STORY ABOUT

REPEALING "DON'T ASK, DON'T

TELL" IS THAT THERE IS NO STORY?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, JON.

IT HASN'T MADE ANY DIFFERENCES

IN THE EFFECTIVENESS OF OUR

FIGHTING FORCES.

TURNS OUT HONORABLE MILITARY

6-SERVICE IS SOMETHING EVERYBODY

CAN SHARE.

>> Jon:.

>> Jon: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE

AFTER LOVE... ♪

>> Jon: NO, NOT CHER!

GOOD LUCK OUT THERE, JASON.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT

HE

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