Game of Drones

  • Aired:  06/06/12
  •  | Views: 32,763

Barack Obama orders another Al Qaeda hit in Pakistan, and Fox News likens the EPA's aerial drones to the military's Hellfire missile carriers. (6:02)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW!

WE TURN NOW TO PAKISTAN.

(LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW WHICH DIRECTION THAT MIGHT BE.

(LAUGHTER) BUT THE BLOOM IS OFF OUR ONCE-STRONG WAR ON TERROR ALLIANCE, IF YOU WILL.

WATCH.

>> PAKISTAN'S PARLIAMENT HAS UNANIMOUSLY APPROVED NEW GUIDELINES FOR THE COUNTRY'S

RELATIONSHIP WITH THE U.S.

THEY CALL FOR AN END TO AMERICAN DRONE STRIKES.

>> Jon: NO DRONES!

NO DRONING WITH THE DRONES!

NO MORE DRONES!

(LAUGHTER) THAT WAS IN APRIL.

FUNNY STUFF.

GUESS WHAT WE JUST DID IN PAKISTAN?

(LAUGHTER)

>> U.S. OFFICIALS CONFIRMED TODAY A DRONE STRIKE KILLED THE NUMBER TWO LEADER OF AL QAEDA.

>> Jon: OOPS!

(LAUGHTER) GUYS, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

WHEN YOU'RE KILLING TERRORISTS IN VIDEO GAMES AND YOUR PARENTS

ARE LIKE "COME DOWN TO DINNER!" AND YOU'RE LIKE "I'VE JUST GOT A

COUPLE MORE TO GO!

COME ON!

FIVE MORE MINUTES!

I'VE GOT THREE MORE TO KILL!

I CAN DO THIS!" (LAUGHTER) IT'S HARD TO PULL YOU AWAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT GAME YOU PLAY LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A UP THIS WAR AND YOU JUST...

(LAUGHTER).

ALL RIGHT, WHO'D WE GET THIS TIME?

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE NEFARIOUS EVIL DOER?

>> THE TARGET WAS AL QAEDA'S NUMBER TWO IN COMMAND, ABU YAHYA AL-LIBI.

>> ABU YAHYA.

>> ABU YAHYA.

>> ABU YAHYA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: REALLY?

ABU YAH YAH.

THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE GREATEST DISPARITY BETWEEN THE FUNNESS OF A NAME TO SAY AND THE MEANNESS

OF THE PERSON.

(LAUGHTER) AT LEAST SINCE POL POT.

POL POT.

POL POT.

POL POT.

HOW ARE THINGS WITH POL POT?

THAT EVEN BEATS JAR-JAR HITLER.

(LAUGHTER) ME-SA TAKING OVER!

(LAUGHTER) NOW TO BE FAIR... DON'T WORRY,

LUCAS CAN C.G.I. OUT THAT MASS TASH.

TO BE FAIR, NOT ALL DRONES ARE USED FOR MILITARY PURPOSES.

SOME HAVE PEACEFUL DOMESTIC APPLICATIONS AS WELL.

FOR INSTANCE, THE E.P.A. USES THEM OUTWEST TO MONITOR FARMS,

MAKE SURE THEY'RE NOT DUMPING COW (BLEEP) IN OUR DRINKING WATER.

TWO FAIRLY BENIGN.

BUT DOES IT HAVE TO.

WHEN YOU USE THE WORD "DRONE,

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF?

YOU THINK TERRORISM.

YOU THINK DEATH FROM THE SKIES.

> Jon: , MY GOD!.> YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO DO THIS, ARE YOU?

>> SPYING ON OUR NATION'S FARMERS?

REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS DEMANDING ANSWER AFTER LEARNING THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY

HAS BEEN USING AERIAL SPY DRONES FOR YEARS!

-TO-SPY ON CATTLE RANCHERS.

THESE ARE THE SAME DRONES WE USE TO TRACK DOWN AL QAEDA TERRORISTS FLYING OVER NEBRASKA AND IOWA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: MEGYN!

WE LOVE EACH OTHER!

DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS!

THOSE AREN'T THE SAME DRONES!

UNLESS THE E.P.A. HAS HELLFIRE MISSILES ON THE DRONES.

IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!

OR IS IT?

>> YOU'VE GOT TO PICTURE YOURSELF, RIGHT?

AS ONE OF THESE MIDWESTERN FARMERS.

WHAT'S BEEN IN THE NEWS LATELY?

THE FACT THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA'S KILLED MORE TERRORISTS WITH DRONES THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENT.

THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS A SO-CALLED KILL LIST AND ON THAT KILL LIST SOMETIMES CIVILIAN

CASUALTIES GO AS WELL.

EVEN AMERICAN TERRORISTS, AN AMERICAN AL QAEDA WAS KILLED BY A DRONE.

SO NOW YOU'RE IN THE MIDWEST AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT A TERRORIST

BUT NONETHELESS YOU'VE GOT TO GET A LITTLE SQUEAMISH WHEN YOU SEE A DRONE GOING OVERHEAD.

>> WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO THINK?

>> Jon: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO THINK THEY'RE FINDING PEOPLE WHO

ARE POURING COW (BLEEP) IN THE WATER SUPPLY!

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVEN MAKE THAT CONNECTION?

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

LOOK, GUYS, IF THE IDEA OF A DRONE IS SCARY TO YOU MAYBE WE SHOULD FIND A LESS THREATENING

FACE TO PUT ON THE DRONE, MAKE IT SEEM LESS INTIMIDATING.

>> LIFTOFF FOR THE CAT COPTER.

A REMOTE CONTROLLED HELICOPTER MADE OUT OF A DEAD CAT?

(AUDIENCE REACTS) THERE'S A PROPELLER ATTACHED TO EACH PAW.

>> I REALLY LOVE THIS CAT AND FOR ME THIS IS A WAY TO ACTUALLY HIM ETERNAL.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> REMEMBER FOLKS AT HOME IF YOU'RE WATCHING, REMEMBER TO SPAY OR NEUTER YOUR DRONES.

VERY IMPORTANT.

LIKE MANY OF YOU, I'M A LITTLE NAUSEATED YET INCREDIBLY INTRIGUED BY THE CAT COPTER.

ALTHOUGH THAT GUY DID STEAL MY IDEA.

(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TURNING MY OLD PETS INTO MILITARY TECHNOLOGY FOR YEARS.

IN FACT, I KEEP MY CAT COPTERS ON A COW CARRIER.

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S HOW I DO IT.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTERESTING?

I HAD MY DOG DUSTY, AN ADORABLE PUG, I TURNED HIM INTO A SUBMARINE.

(LAUGHTER) OR A PUGMARINE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

NONE OF THESE TACK DETERMINEMY ROBOTOYS IS PRACTICAL.

EXCEPT FOR MY RIDING LAWN HIPPO.

I CUT MY GRASS IN STYLE.

AND THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS LOVE IT.

OH, YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

WELL, GUESS WHAT, I GOTTEN A A.K.-ARM DILL LOW ASSAULT RIFLE COMPLETE WITH BULLETS AND A

MOTHER (BLEEP)ING GRENADE!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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