On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix - The Best F#@king News Team Ever & The Royal Baby

  • Aired:  07/23/13
  •  | Views: 22,954

The Best F#@king News Team Ever gets drunk and depressed following the Prince of Cambridge's birth. (5:18)

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> John: WELCOME BACK.

BEFORE THE BREAK, THE NEWS MEDIA

HAS BEEN IN LONDON ALL WEEK.

IT IS IS CULMINATING IN A LONG,

TENSE WAIT THIS AFTERNOON FOR

THE BIG MOMENT.

>> EVERYONE IS WAITING FOR WHEN

WILLIAM AND KATE AND THE BABY

MAKE THAT APPEARANCE.

>> John: SMALL LANGUAGE POINT

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THE MONEY

SHOT WAS NINE MONTHS AGO AND

IT'S WHAT GOT US ALL INTO THIS

MESS.

THIS AFTERNOON WILLIAM AND KATE

DELIVERED INTO THE WORLD "IT'S A

BABY!

"A BABY!

IT LOOKS JUST ABOUT LIKE EVERY

OTHER BABY.

SO THAT'S IT.

THAT IS THE BIG FINISH.

IF ONLY IT'S A PICTURE OF

SOMEONE ELSE'S BABY THAT I DON'T

CARE ABOUT, THAT IS WHAT

FACEBOOK IS FOR.

WE HAVE FULL TEAM COVERAGE OF

THE BABY.

FIRST TO SAMANTHA BEE OUTSIDE

ST. MARY'S HOSPITAL IN LONDON.

SAM, HOW IS EVERYTHING THERE?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> JOHN, IT IS NOT GOOD.

OKAY.

WE SPENT NINE MONTHS LETTING

THIS STORY GROW INSIDE OUR

NETWORK.

AND THAT WAS JUST A TINY HOLE IN

THE SCHEDULE FOR IT.

AN UNNATURALLY TINY HOLE LIKE

TRYING TO SHOVE A WATERMELON

THROUGH A BIRD HOUSE.

BUT JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT WE

COULDN'T PUSH THIS ON TO THE

SCHEDULE ANYMORE, IT RIPPED

THROUGH AND POPPED OUT SCREAMING

AND COVERED IN NEWS GO.

AND NOW IT FEELS SO EMPTY INSIDE

LIKE WE HAD NO REAL ENDING TO

THIS STORY NOW THAT IT'S BROKEN

SNON ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT THE

MEDIA HAS...

>> POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION, JOHN.

THAT HURTS SO MUCH.

FROM DRINKING GUINESS TO EATING

FRIED WHATEVER THIS IS.

I'M NEVER GOING TO DROP THIS

ROYAL BABY WEIGHT.

>> John: JESSICA WILLIAMS, WHERE

ARE YOU?

>> I'M AT THE PREMIERE ROYAL

BABY BOUTIQUE TODDLERS AND

TIARAS.

THIS IS WHERE THE ROYAL BABY IS

REGISTERED.

>> John: YOU DON'T REALLY NEED

TO GET A GIFT.

THIS BABY HAS EVERYTHING.

>> OKAY.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE FLUSHED IT

DOWN THE LOO.

THE PRINCESS CAMBRIDGE

REGISTERED FOR TONS OF STUFF

HERE.

IT'S AWESOME.

BESIDES THE TRADITIONAL, THIS

IS, YOU KNOW, A CLASSIC CHOICE.

YOU HAVE THE CORGI SADDLE.

HE COULD JOIN AS GRAND PAPPY.

ON FOX HUNTS.

IF YOU WANT TO SPEND THE BIG

BUCKS, YOU CAN REGISTER FOR THE

ENTIRE COUNTRY OF IRELAND.

>> John: WHOA!

A BIG GIFT, RIGHT.

John: THAT'S A GIFT HE MAY

NOT BE HAPPY TO BE GIVEN.

LET'S GO NOW TO AL MADRIGAL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> (YELLING).

John: AL, JUST FOR THE

RECORD, DO YOU HAVE ANY ACTUAL

NEWS?

>> LET ME CHECK AND GET MY NOTES

HERE.

HERE'S SOME NEWS, JOHN.

(YELLING).

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> THEY WILL USE ANY EXCUSE TO

THROW A PARTY.

>> WHY ARE WE HERE AGAIN?

John: THE BIRTH OF THE NEXT

KING OF ENGLAND.

>> OH, YEAH, LOOK AT THIS.

ANY EXCUSE FOR A PARTY, RIGHT.

SERIOUSLY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> [BLEEP] KNOWS WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT.

>> John: I THINK THAT'S A FAKE

HORSE.

>> NO, THIS IS A REAL HORSE.

John: NO, I'M PRETTY SURE

THAT'S A FAKE HORSE.

>> NO, IT'S NOT.

I WOULDN'T SWIMMING IN THE HOTEL

POOL.

THREE OF THEM.

>> John: BUT THAT MAY BE.

BUT THAT IS TWO MEN IN A HORSE

COSTUME.

>> IT'S A FAKE HORSE.

COME HERE.

HORSY.

HORSE.

>> YOU LIED TO ME.

John: WE'LL BE RIGHT

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