Transformer

  • Aired:  09/12/11
  •  | Views: 135,297

Maybe Barack Obama could have done the whole "hit 'em where it hurts" thing before America slid into an unstoppable s**t spiral. (4:43)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

VERY KIND.

WE HAVE A GREAT MONDAY NIGHT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, ONE OF MY

FAVORITES, THE CHAIRMAN OF THE

JOINT CHIEF OF STAFFS ADMIRAL

MIKE MULLEN WILL BE JOINING US

LATER.

IT'S OUR THIRD TIME TALKING TO

HIM WHICH I BELIEVE MAKES ME A

SERGEANT.

(LAUGHING)

WE BEGIN TONIGHT WITH THE

OBVIOUSLY THE BIG STORY FROM

THIS WEEKEND.

OBVIOUSLY WHAT EVERYONE WAS

TALKING AND THINKING ABOUT:

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S JOBS BILL.

A BILL SO IMPORTANT THAT ITS

UNVEILING LAST THURSDAY NIGHT

PREEMPTED THE PACKERS'-SAINTS

GAME PRE-GAME THROUGH.

TWO TEAMS WITH HIGH

EXPECTATIONS FOR THE COMING

SEASON.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

JOBS BILL.

WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT THIS

THAT IT PREEMPTED MY PRE-GAME

SHOW?

>> IT WILL CREATE MORE JOBS

FOR CONSTRUCTION WORKERS, MORE

JOBS FOR TEACHERS, MORE JOBS

FOR VETERANS AND MORE JOBS FOR

LONG-TERM UNEMPLOYED.

REPAIR AND MODERNIZE AT LEAST

35,000 SCHOOLS.

IT WILL PROVIDE A TAX BREAK

FOR COMPANIES WHO HIRE NEW

WORKERS AND CUT PAYROLL TAXES

IN HALF FOR EVERY WORKING

AMERICAN AND EVERY SMALL

BUSINESS.

>> Jon: IT WILL TRIPLE

GUARANTEE THAT ALL CHILDREN

GET TO BE THE THING THEY

WANTED TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP,

INCLUDING ASTRONAUTS,

BALLERINA, LION-TAMER, AND

MOST OF ALL BATMAN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IT WILL GUARANTEE THAT THEY

CAN BECOME MR. PRESIDENT.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS PLAN?

THAT DOES SO MUCH FOR SO MANY?

>> IT'S CALLED THE AMERICAN

JOBS ACT.

>> Jon: THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?

THE AMERICAN JOBS ACT?

WAS EMPLOYMENT IDEAS

T.B.D.ALREADY TAKEN?

COME ON, EVEN YOUR CRAPPY

BILLS HAVE ASPIRATIONAL

QUALITIES TO THEM.

THE AMERICAN RECOVERY AND

REINVESTMENT ACT.

WE DIDN'T AND IT WASN'T.

BUT IT WAS TRYING.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BUSH ERA

ORWELLIAN OPPOSITE DAY

NOMENCLATURE.

ALLOWING COMPANIES TO

INCINERATE HAZARDOUS WASTE AND

CALL IT THE CLEAR SKIES ACT.

GIVE US SOME SPIN.

A LITTLE HUMOR.

A LITTLE ZING.

THE AMERICANS TAKE THIS JOB

AND LOVE IT ACT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THE MAKE IT RAIN ACT.

THE REMEMBER ME, I (BEEP) BIN

LADEN EMPLOYMENT ACT OF 2001.

GIVE US SOMETHING.

BRANDING ISSUES ASIDE, OBAMA

WAS ON A TEAR THURSDAY NIGHT.

>> WHAT I WILL NOT DO IS LET

THIS ECONOMIC CRISIS BE USED

AS AN EXCUSE TO WIPE OUT THE

BASIC PROTECTIONS THAT

AMERICANS HAVE COUNTED ON FOR

DECADES.

THIS ISN'T CLASS WARFARE.

THIS IS SIMPLE MATH.

THIS LARGER NOTION THAT THE

ONLY THING WE CAN DO TO

RESTORE PROSPERITY IS JUST

DISMANTLE GOVERNMENT, REFUND

EVERYBODY'S MONEY AND LET

EVERYONE WRITE THEIR OWN RULES

AND TELL EVERYONE THEY'RE ON

THEIR OWN, THAT'S NOT WHO WE

ARE.

>> Jon: FELT PRETTY GOOD.

DIDN'T IT?

WAS THAT SO HARD,

MR. PRESIDENT?

MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE DONE THIS

WHOLE "HIT 'EM WHERE IT HURTS"

THING BEFORE THE COUNTRY SLID

INTO AN UNSTOPPABLE (BEEP)

SPIRAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE MOST?

(LAUGHING) YOU KNOW WHAT I

LOVE MOST ABOUT THAT SPEECH TO

THE CONGRESSIONAL JOINT

SESSION, THE AWESOME CUT-AWAYS

TO UNCOMFORTABLE REPUBLICANS.

LOOK AT THOSE FACES.

IT IS A VERITABLE SPECTRUM OF

POORLY CONCEALED DISCOMFORT.

EVERY SHADE OF DISCOMFORT

REPRESENTED.

ERIC CANTOR LOOKS LIKE HE'S

THINKING, "MAYBE I DON'T MOVE,

THE T-REX WON'T SEE ME."

RAND PAUL TRYING NOT TO LOOK

DISGUSTED LIKE IF HIS

MOTHER-IN-LAW WAS SHOWING OFF

BELLY DANCE LESSONS AS A

FRIEND'S CONFIRMATION.

MITCH McCONNELL LOOKS STUNNED

AND FAT LIKE A GUY WHO JUST

SAW A DOG WITH WHEELS INSTEAD

OF BACK LEGS ROLL BY.

AND JOHN McCAIN HAS THE LOOK

OF A MAN WHO HAD NO IDEA THE

PLAY HE WAS WATCHING WOULD

FEATURE SO MUCH FULL FRONTAL

MALE NUDITY.

PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS.

I THOUGHT THE FOCUS WOULD BE

ON THE PUPPETRY.

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