Beyond Awful

  • Aired:  05/03/10
  •  | Views: 228,328

As the oil spill heads towards the Louisiana coast, Wyatt Cenac tries to figure out who'd want to kill New Orleans. (8:39)

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW." MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OUR GUEST TONIGHT JONATHAN EIG.

HE'S THE AUTHOR OF A NEW BOOK CALLED "GET CAPONE".

N'YAH IT'S ONE INTERVIEW YOU DON'T WANT TO -- N'YAH -- IT'S

REALLY GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING, DOES IT?

WE BEGIN ON THE GULF COAST OF AMERICA, THE REASON IT'S BEEN SO NICE, IT'S BEEN DEVASTATED TWICE.

AS YOU KNOW A BRITISH PETROLEUM OIL PLATFORM BLEW UP TWO WEEKS AGO DEALING A POTENTIALLY

CREWING BLOW TO THE OUR NATION'S DESCRIBING THE SIZE OF THINGS INDUSTRY.

>> IT REPORTS THAT THE POLLUTION SEEMS MINIMAL.

>> 200 BARRELS OF OIL SPREAD OVER 16 SQUARE MILES.

>> THAT IS ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF OHIO.

>> THE SIZE OF DELAWARE AND RHODE ISLAND COMBINED.

>> THE SIZE OF ISLAND OF JAMAICA.

>> THE SIZE OF STATE OF MARYLAND.

>> THE SIZE OF THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY.

>> 130 MILES LONG, 70 MILES WIDE, THE SIZE OF PUERTO RICO.

>> Jon: I'M AN OIL SPILL IN AMERICA, I'M A FISH IN AMERICA,

WANTING TO SWIM IN AMERICA, GAS IS THE THING IN AMERICA!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

THE MOST TRUSTED MAN IN NEWS.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE FOUND OUR USELESS SIZE COMPARISON METRIC.

IS THERE A EQUALLY USELESS LESS SLIGHTLY MORE PEJORATIVE TERM TO TALK ABOUT THE SPILL.

THIS IS OBAMA'S CREAN DWLANCH COULD BECOME HURRICANE KATRINA OF THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: KATRINA.

♪ I MET OBAMA'S KATRINA ♪ ♪ IF PRESIDENT OBAMA WERE RELL

RELL -- REALLY UPSET SERVING -- EVERYTHING IS DEAD IN MY SHRIMP -- IF YOU LIKE THESE

SONGS YOU'LL LIKE MY KNEW SHOW WITH SONGS LIKE WHEN YOU'RE A

JET THERE'S OIL AND SONGS LIKE THAT WILL KILL YOUR OTTER.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK.

♪♪ WE NEED OIL FOR OUR ECONOMY TO FUNCTION.

IT'S BURIED DEEP WITHIN OUR PLANET'S CRUST.

.EXTRACTION PROCESS WILL BE FRAUGHT WITH PERIL ENVIRONMENTAL AND OTHERWISE.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE SO BLINDED BY OUR DEEP AND ABIDING NEED FOR

OIL THAT WE KID OURSELVES ABOUT THE DANGERS.

IT'S SAFE TO DRILL.

>> WE CAN DO IT IN AN ENVIRONMENTAL SAFE WAY.

>> OUR COMPANIES HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB KEEPING IT SAFE.

>> OIL RIGS TODAY GENERALLY DON'T CAUSE SPILLS.

THEY ARE TECH LOGICALLY VERY ADVANCED.

>> WE CAN DRILL SAFELY OFF THE SHORES OF AMERICA.

>> Jon: SPOKEN LIKE TRUE SCIENTISTS FROM THE FIRST REEL OF A DISASTER MOVIE.

IF ONLY THESE PRE-SPILL POLL POLITICIANS LIKE SENATOR MARY LANDRIEU OF LOUISIANA HAD

LISTENED TO REALISTS LIKE SENATOR MARY LAND RUE OF LOUISIANA.

>> NO ONE HAS EVER CLAIMED WHO IS AN UNABASHED PROPONENT -- OPPONENT -- PROPONENT OF THE

INDUSTRY THAT DRILLING IS RISK FREE.

>> Jon: NO, YOU NEVER CLAIMED IT.

YOU EMPHATICALLY STATED IT.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

>> PUT A DOME ON IT AND STICK A STRAW IN IT AND SIPHON THAT OIL TO THE SURFACE.

>> THE DRILL WILL MAKE A TURN PENETRATING THE ORIGINAL WELL BORE AND FILLING IT WITH CEMENT

TO CLOSE OFF THE LEAK.

>> AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THIS IS LIKE DOING OPEN HEART SURGERY AT 5,000 FEET IN THE DARK WITH

ROBOT CONTROLLED SUBMARINES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: AND IT'S YOUR SON ON THE TABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE DOCTOR IS A WOMAN.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, BRITISH PETROLEUM HAS PROMISED TO PAY FOR THE CLEANUP.

THEY ARE SO ENVIRONMENTALLY BEAUTIFUL.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY PROMISED TO PAY FOR THE CLEEFNUP AND -- CLEANUP AND PAY FOR THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT.

THEY ARE IN NO WAY DODGING RESPONSIBILITY RIGHT BPCOO.

>> A FINAL QUESTION.

WHO IS ULTIMATELY TO BLAME HERE?

IS IT BP?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW.

>> Jon: REALLY.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

GOLDMAN SACHS?

MAYBE.

IS IT THEIR FAULT?

MAYBE THEY DO IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHOSE FAULT THE SPILL IS.

ALL I'M SAYING IS I WOKE UP IN THE HOOKER'S APARTMENT.

SHE WAS DEAD AND I WAS COVERED IN BLOOD.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY.

[LAUGHTER]

AS THE OIL SPILL CONTINUES TO HEAD TOWARDS THE COAST OF LOUISIANA WE'RE JOINED BY WYATT CENAC.

WYATT, THANKS FOR JOINING US.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT IS --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FIRST OF ALL, I KNOW YOU ARE SINGLE.

WHAT IS THE SITUATION DOWN IN -- SORRY, WHAT IS THE SITUATION DOWN WHERE YOU ARE AND HAS THE

OIL SLICK BEGUN TO IMPACT THE COAST?

>> I DON'T KNOW, JON, BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THIS: SOMEONE OR

SOMETHING IS TRYING TO KILL NEW ORLEANS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUM BUM BUM!

>> Jon: I THINK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO PROSRAOEUTD MUSIC.

-- PROVIDING THE MUSIC.

WHAT?

>> FIRST KATRINA, NOW THIS, WHAT IS NEXT PO BOYS HELL BENT ON REVENGE, FLASHED BREASTS WITH

NUCLEAR WARHEADS OR MAYBE THE WORLD'S LARGEST PILLOW BROUGHT

DOWN ON THE ENTIRE CITY'S FACE WHILE IT SLEEPS.

BUM BUM BUM!

>> Jon: WHO WOULD WANT TO KILL NEW ORLEANS?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

SOMEONE WHO HATES MUSIC OR FUN.

MAYBE GOD OR THE GOVERNMENT OR BIG OIL OR LITTLE OIL.

MAYBE SOME COMBINATION OF ALL OF THOSE.

NEW ORLEANS HAS NO SHORTAGE OF ENEMIES.

I ACTUALLY HEARD THAT LAST YEAR IT.

[BLEEPED]

HOUSTON'S GIRLFRIEND -- IT (bleep) HOUSTON'S GIRLFRIEND.

>> Jon: WHO HASN'T?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHAT IS -- I DON'T MEAN TO DISPARAGE HOUSTON.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS NEW ORLEANS DOING IF THIS IS THE CASE TO PROTECT ITSELF?

>> AS YOU KNOW, WITH KATRINA,

THEY HAD A DEMOCRATIC GOVERNOR,

A BLACK MAYOR AND A REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT, CLEARLY THAT MADE SOMEBODY ANGRY SO THEY SWITCHED IT UP.

BLACK PRESIDENT, INDIAN REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR AND WHITE MAYOR.

IF THAT DOESN'T WORK MAYBE KITTEN MAYOR, CHINESE GOVERNOR AND ROBOT PRESIDENT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: HOW ARE THE FOLKS DOING?

>> THEY ARE DOING WHAT THEY'VE ALWAYS DONE IN THE FACE OF DISASTER OR WORK OR SCHOOL OR

FUNERALS OR HOLIDAYS.

>> Jon: WHICH IS?

>> DRINKING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY ARE DRINKING A LOT.

YOU SHOULD GET DOWN HERE AND TRY ONE OF THESE OIL SLICKS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DRINK ONE OF THESE BABIES AND -- YOU DRINK THREE OF THESE AND YOU WON'T FEEL RIGHT UNTIL

OUT OF STATE HIPPY GREEN PEACERS HAND SCRUB THE INSIDE OF YOUR RECTUM.

>> Jon: I'M GLAD IT'S NOT ONE.

I'M GLAD IT'S THREE.

YOU NEED THREE.

||||||

Loading...