Sodomy! Zygotes! Welfare! - State Laws

  • Aired:  04/09/13
  •  | Views: 50,460

Arkansas, North Dakota and Kansas pass strict anti-abortion laws, and Tennessee State Senator Stacey Campfield floats a radical welfare plan. (4:29)

KUCH.

I'LL PAUSE FOR A MINUTE WHILE YOU MAKE AN INAPPROPRIATE JOKE.

>> Jon: OH, I'M GOING MAKE A VAGINA JOKE.

GROW UP, LADY.

WHAT IS NEXT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

KANSAS ARKANSAS AND NORTH DAKOTA.

THAT'S A RED STATE TRY FECTA.

>> ARKANSAS NOW HAS THE TOUGHEST ANTI-ABORTION LAW IN THE COUNTRY ON THE BOOKS BANNING ABORTIONS

AFTEREL 12th WEEK.

>> NORTH DAKOTA BAN AS ABORTIONS AS EARLY AS FOUR WEEKS.

>> KANSAS CONCLUDED THAT LIFE BEGINS AT FERTILIZATION.

>> Jon: KENTUCKY SAYS LIFE BEGINS WHEN A MAN AND WOMAN'S HANDS ACCIDENTALLY TOUCH WHEN

REACHING FOR THE FRIES AT THE DENNY'S.

I JUST WANTED TO SELL IT.

THE STATES ARE SAYING YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE BABY MAKING SEX AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE RESULTING BABY.

ANY STATE LAWS THAT MIGHT COVER WHAT TO DO WITH THEM AFTERWARDS?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LET'S HEAD OUT TO THE VOLUNTEER STATE.

>> WE'LL GO TO TENNESSEE AND TELL BUT A STATE SENATOR BY THE NAME OF STACY CAMPFIELD.

HE DOESN'T HAVE CHILDREN BUT HE HAS AN IDEA.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: GO ON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> IF YOUR KIDS DON'T GET GOOD GRADES, IN OTHER WORDS DON'T PASS, THEY WOULD CUT YOUR

WELFARE BENEFITS 30%.

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

>> Jon: MOOCHERS.

LET ME SEE IF I CAN GET THIS STRAIGHT.

LITTLE BILLY IS POOR.

HE IS NOT DOING VERY WELL IN SCHOOL.

I HAVE AN IDEA, WHAT IF WE MADE HIM POORER?

[LAUGHTER]

AND TOLD HIS FAMILY IT WAS HIS FAILT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HUH?

LAST SEMESTER MY GRADES WERE BAD BECAUSE I WAS HUNGRY AND COLDER BUT THIS SEMESTER I'M HUNGRIER

AND COLDER AND MY FAMILY ISN'T TALKING TO ME SO BRING ON THE LONG DIVISION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IS STACY CAMPFIELD A STATE SENATOR OR A VILLAGE FROM A DICKENS NOVEL?

BUT I GUESS FROM THE STATE OF TENNESSEE --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GUESS FROM THE STATE OF TENNESSEE -- TENNESSEE JUST STANDING PEOPLE YOU KNOW.9,000 A

MONTH THEY SHOULD HAVE SAY.

>> THE CURRENT SYSTEM GIVES FAMILIES UP TO $189 FOR WELFARE ASSISTANCE.

>> Jon: BECAUSE $190 WOULD SPOIL THEM.

WHO IS THIS STATE LEGISLATOR WHO WANTS TO TURN TENNESSEE EDUCATION INTO THE ACTUAL HUNGER GAME?

>> THIS COMMENT FROM TENNESSEE STATE SENATOR STACY CAMPFIELD IN A SERIOUS RADIO INTERVIEW RAISED

EYEBROWS HE SAID AIDS WAS TRANSMITTED TO HUMANS BECAUSE ONE GUY HAD SEX WITH A MONKEY

AND THEN STARTED HAVING SEX WITH MEN.

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

>> Jon: TWO THINGS, I ALWAYS KNEW THE MAN IN THE YELLOW HAT WAS BAD NEWS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TWO, --

[LAUGHTER]

-- BICURIOUS GEORGE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND TWO, DID YOU READ THAT SEX MONKEY STORY IN THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF (bleep).

>> I'M NOT EXPECTING THE KIDS TO WRITE THE MAGNA CARTA.

ABC'S, 123'S I BELIEVE ANY PARENT COULD DO THAT.

>> Jon: YOU BELIEVE AIDS BEGAN WHEN A GUY HAD SEX WITH A MONKEY.

THAT HAS TO BE WORTH 40% OF YOUR SALARY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU DO KNOW KIDS WHO DEPEND ON WELFARE ARE NOT THE ONLY SCHOOL CHILDREN WHO RECEIVE THE

BENEFIT OF STATE FUNDING.

PENALIZE EVERYONE WHO BENEFITS IN SOME WAY FROM TAXED MONEY.

I'M TIRED OF MY MONEY GOING TO POLICE DEPARTMENTS.

HEY 911, WHAT IS THAT HIS LAST MATH TEST?

I THINK IT WAS A

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