Crawl About

  • Aired:  04/24/14
  •  | Views: 89,685

Former Senior British Correspondent John Oliver visits the news desk to report on some life updates. (5:36)

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Jon: WELCOME BACK!

TURNING TO SLIGHTLY LESSRELEVANT NEWS, THE ROYAL COUPLE,

WILLIAM AND KATE ARE WRAPPING UPA THREE-WEEK TRIP DOWN UNDER.

THE FIRST OFFICIAL TOUR WITHHIS ROYAL BABY-NESS, PRINCE

GEORGE ALEXANDER BLUNDERBUSSROHYPNOL SAXE-COBURG LEIBOWITZWINDSOR.

>> PRINCE WILLIAM ANDKATE

CELEBRATED EASTER AT ACATHEDRAL IN SYDNEY BEFORE A

TRIP TO THE ZOO ON SUNDAY WITHPRINCE GEORGE.

THAT IS WHERE THE YOUNG FUTUREKING PERFORMED HIS FIRST

OFFICIAL DUTY.

>> Jon: HIS FIRST OFFICIALDOODIE? YOU ARE TELLING ME THIS

BABY HASN'T TAKEN A (bleep) INNINE MONTHS? OR WERE HIS

PREVIOUS DOODIES OFF THE RECORD?

>> AH.

SPEAKING OF NUMBER 2.

>> WELL, LET THE SPECULATIONBEGIN, THE DUKE AND DUCHESS OF

CAMBRIDGE HAVE FUELED NEW RUMORSON THEIR TRIP TO NEW ZEALAND

THAT THEY COULD BE EXPECTINGAGAIN.

>> BUT ALL THAT ROYALBABY CHATTER QUICKLY QUIETED

WHEN KATE WENT PINOTTASTING AND THEN TOOK A

WILD RIDE IN A WHITE WATER JETBOAT.

>> Jon: FOLLWED BY A TRIPTO SIX FLAGS OVER SYDNEY TO

RIDE THE FAMOUS WOMB SHAKER.FINALLY A VISIT TO A KANGAROO

SANCTUARY TO MEET STU THEKICKING ROO, I AM NOT

LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING KATEDOESN'T WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER

BABY RIGHT NOW BUT SHE SEEMSTO BE MAKING IT EXTRA HARD

FOR WILLIAM TO EVEN GET HERCLOTHES OFF.

I THINK BY THE 20TH BUTTON THEYBOTH WOULD BE ASLEEP.

>> AND FOR MORE WE GO OUT TO OURSENIOR BRITISH CORRESPONDENT,

JESSICA SMYTHE-WILLIAMS LIVE INSYDNEY.

JESSICA, THANK YOU FORJOINING US.

>> 'ELLO GUVNAH.

>> A PIP PIP BOB'S YOUR UNCLE.

>> JESSICA AS A BRITISH PERSON.

>> YES. >> Jon: WERE YOU --

>>WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

AS A BRITISH PERSON! AS ABRITISH PERSON!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]AS A BRITISH PERSON!

>> JON, SHE IS FROM SOUTHERNCALIFORNIA.

>> I AM BLOODY NOT, MATE.

YOU HAVE BANGERS FOR BRAINS.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> 'ELLO GUVNAH!

>> A BIG FAN, MR. OLIVER.

>> WHO THE HELL IS THIS?JON, WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO THIS

MAN IS TWO DEGREES FROM A RACECRIME.

>> Jon: LOOK, I'M SORRY. I'MSORRY. WE HAD TO GET YOU OVER

HERE SOMEHOW. IT WAS THE ONLYWAY WE KNEW HOW.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN ANDCATCH UP.

>> SURE, I MEAN, I'M INAUSTRALIA BUT I WILL BE RIGHT

THERE. >>Jon: ALL RIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ][ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HOW IS IT GOING?

>> LOVELY, LOVELY.

OH.

WE SEEM TO BE MISSING SOMETHING.

>> Jon: OH, FOR GOD'S SAKES.

WHERE A ARE MY MANNERS.

>> BETTER. BETTER. SIGNIFICANTLYBETTER.

WHAT ARE WE, ANIMALS? THERE ITIS.

THERE IT IS. THERE SHE BLOWS.

>> THERE SHE BLOWS. LOOK, I AMSO PRACTICED.

>> Jon: NOW, LISTEN, I DRINK ITEVERY DAY AT LET'S SAY NOON.

>> OOH THIS IS SKUNK TEA.

>> MMM, MMM, THAT IS -- THAT ISGOOD.

>> YUM, YUM, YUM.

>> Jon: WATER.

BY THE WAY, YOU LOOK GREAT.

>> YES, I DO.

>> Jon: YES.>> YES.

I KNOW I LOOK GREAT, JOHN. WELLSPOTTED.

OF COURSE YOU REMEMBER HOW ILOOKED FOUR MONTHS AGO WHEN I

LEFT HERE.

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> Jon: THAT IS THE JOHNOLIVER I REMEMBERED.

DID YOU GET SOME WORK DONE?

>> QUITE THE OPPOSITE, JON, IHAD SOME WORK NOT DONE.

REMEMBER, I AM ONLY DOING ONESHOW A WEEK NOW AND YOU KNOW

WHAT THAT MEANS.

I GET TO GO OUTDOORS EVERY DAYAND SEE THE, UM UM,

WHAT'S THE (bleep) -->> Jon: SUN!

>> YES.

AND INSTEAD OF BEING STUCK INTHE OFFICE I AM SPENDING TIME

WITH MY -- UM --

>> DEALER?

>> WIFE, WIFE, JON, YES.

AND I'VE BEEN DOING THAT THINGWHERE YOU LAY ON THE CUSHION

AND EVERYTHING GOES BLACKFOR EIGHT HOURS.

>> Jon: PEYOTE.

>> SLEEP. JON, DO YOU HAVE ADRUG PROBLEM.

>> Jon: NO, I DON'T HAVE APROBLEM NECESSARILY, BUT YOU

LIKE IT OVER THERE AT HBO? IT'SNICE.

>> OH GOD, ARE YOUKIDDING ME?

PAID CABLE IS AMAZING.

NO ADVERTISERS, YOU CAN DOWHATEVER YOU WANT.

THIS IS ONE OF HBO'S HIT SHOWS.

>> YOU SEE EVERYTHING OUTSIDEOUR DIMENSION AS ETERNITY.

NOW TO US, IT IS A SPHERE, BUTTO THEM IT IS A CIRCLE.

NOW TO US, IT IS A SPHERE, BUTTO THEM IT IS A CIRCLE.

>> I WATCHED THE WHOLE SEASONEIGHT TIMES, AND I TELL YOU,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HEIS TALKING ABOUT.

I AM TELLING YOU, JON, HBO WILLLET ME SAY WHATEVER THE (BLEEP)

I WANT.

WAIT A HOLD ON, WHAT WAS THATWEIRD BLEEPING SOUND DID YOU

HEAR THAT (BLEEP) NOISE.

THERE IT GOES AGAIN.

>> Jon: OH, WE HERE ON BASICCABLE WE BLEEP OUT THE

CURSING. THAT IS WHAT YOU AREHEARING.

YOU REMEMBER?

>> OH, YOU POOR SAD (BLEEP).

>> HBO LETS ME CURSE MY (BLEEP),(BLEEP) OFF. AND THE NUDITY,

JON, I AM PANTLESS IN MY FIRSTTHREE EPISODES.

>> Jon: I GET IT, I GET IT.

HBO IS A WONDERLAND OFEXPLETIVES IN A FOREST OF DONGS.

>> OH, YOU HAVE SEEN "GAME OFTHRONES" THEN.

>> Jon: BOOM.

>> YOU'VE SEEN "GAME OF THRONES"THEN.

>> Jon: BING.

>> I SAID YOU'VE SEEN "GAME OFTHRONES" THEN.

>> BOOYAH!

>> THAT REMINDS ME, JON, I HAVETO GO. I AM LATE FOR MY HOT OIL

GIRAFFE MASSAGE WITH PETERDINKLAGE.

>> Jon: DAMN YOU, OLIVER!JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY.

>> Jon: LAST WEEK TONIGHT,PREMIERS SUNDAY AT 11:00!

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

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