Sh*tzkrieg - European Wars

  • Aired:  08/09/11
  •  | Views: 73,984

While plate glass markets boom in England, European economies falter. (4:57)

WITH MORE ON WHAT'S HAPPENING

RIGHT NOW IN EUROPE, WE'RE

JOINED BY SENIOR EUROPEAN

CORRESPONDENT JOHN OLIVER.

JOHN, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EVER SINCE THE CREATION OF THE

EUROPEAN UNION THERE HAVE BEEN

NEARLY TWO DECADES OF

UNPRECEDENTED PEACE, PROSPERITY

AND COOPERATION.

SUDDENLY CHAOS.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> WELL, JUST THAT, JON, WE'VE

BEEN PEACEFULLY CORPORATING.

EUROPE AT ITS BEST IS A

CONTINENT OF ETHNICALLY AND

CULTURALLY DIVERSE SOCIETIES

LIVING IN A STATE OF CONSTANT

WAR WITH EACH OTHER.

>> Jon: WAIT, AT ITS BEST?

>> ABSOLUTELY, JON.

VIOLENT HATRED OF YOUR

NEIGHBORHOODS GIVES YOU A

PERMANENT SENSE OF PURPOSE.

SOMETHING TO CLING TO IN TIMES

OF TROUBLE.

EUROPE IS NEVER MORE STABLE THAN

WHEN IT'S ATTACKING ITSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: I APPRECIATE THE

HISTORY OF EUROPE, BUT WARS

DON'T PROVIDE STABILITY.

>> WHAT?

OF COURSE THEY DO!

(LAUGHTER)

JON, WE HAD A HUNDRED-YEAR WAR!

YOU DON'T GET MUCH MORE STABLE

THAN THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S EASY.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, EVERY

MORNING...

>> Jon: I DON'T THINK

THAT'S...

>> EVERY MORNING YOU GET UP AND

THINK "WHAT WILL I DO TODAY?

I KNOW, I'LL FIGHT THE FRENCH

LIKE I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE

PREVIOUS 99 YEARS!"

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: WARS AREN'T... WARS

ARE TERRIBLE.

>> YES.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT EUROPEAN WARS DO SOME GREAT

THINGS.

THEY STIMULATE THE GLOBAL

ECONOMY, FOSTER FEELINGS OF

NATIONAL PRIDE, REALLY HELP

EVERYONE BLOW OFF SOME STEAM AND

THE MOVIES ABOUT THEM ARE

TERRIFIC!

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, "SAVING PRIVATE RYAN."

COME ON, JON, THAT'S A BEST

PICTURE WINNER RIGHT THERE.

>> Jon: ACTUALLY, "SAVING

PRIVATE RYAN" DIDN'T WIN.

IT LOST THE "SHAKESPEARE IN

LOVE."

>> ARE YOU (BLEEP)ING KIDDING

ME?

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: THAT'S TRUE.

>> ARE YOU (BLEEP)ING KIDDING

ME?

>> Jon: NO.

>> THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE EVEN BEEN

NOMINATED, JON!

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "SAVING

PRIVATE RYAN!"

WHAT A CAST.

SO MANY FUTURE STARS, THE SCORE

WAS SENSATIONAL AND THE

DIRECTION-- AND I KNOW YOU GET

TIRED OF SAYING THIS ABOUT

SPIELBERG-- WAS IMPECCABLE.

"SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE" WAS A

PIECE OF (BLEEP), JON!

THAT'S ANOTHER WHIFF FROM THE

ACADEMY.

>> Jon: I UNDERSTAND THAT.

POINT'S WELL TAKEN.

GETTING BACK TO EUROPE.

>> IT'S LIKE WHEN "DANCES WITH

WOLVES BEAT GOODFELLAS" ALL OVER

AGAIN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING, THAT WAS A (BLEEP)ING

DISGRACE.

(LAUGHTER)

SCORSESE IS AT THE TOP OF HIS

GAME, SO MANY UNBELIEVABLE CATCH

PHRASES THAT COME OUT OF THAT

THING.

"DANCING WITH WOLVES", "TONKA."

A TRAVESTY BEYOND WHAT PEOPLE

CONSIDER...

I'M NOT ARGUING.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> I'M NOT ARGUING WITH YOU,

JON, BUT IF WE CAN GET BACK TO

EUROPE...

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> RIGHT NOW IT IS VITAL THAT

SOMEONE AT THE VERY LEAST SHOOT

AN ARCH DUKE AND LET NATURE TAKE

ITS COURSE.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: TO REALLY GET THE BALL

ROLLING, I THINK, WOULDN'T

EUROPE NEED, THOUGH, A KIND OF

DESPOT TO RISE UP AND, IN YOUR

MIND, ANYONE ON THE HORIZON?

>> NO ONE REALLY WORTH PACKING

UP YOUR FAMILY AND CROSSING INTO

SWITZERLAND TO ESCAPE FROM.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: JOHN, EVERYTHING WE'VE

SEEN SEEMS SO SENSELESS.

LOOK AT THE FOOTAGE, THERE'S NO

HOPE, NO RHYME OR REASON,

THERE'S...

>> Jon:THERE'S.

..

>> WHAT?

REALLY?

YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT IT THE

RIGHT WAY, JON.

TURN THE FOOTAGE BLACK AND WHITE

AND GIVE ME SOME JAUNTY MUSIC.

WATCH THIS, JON.

SUMMERTIME IN EUROPE AND

EVERYONE'S FEELING THE HEAT.

THE GERMAN CHANCELLOR RAILS

AGAINST THE IRRESPONSIBILITY OF

THE GREEKS.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A SOUR

KRAUT.

MEANWHILE, HOLLYWOOD'S BRIGHTEST

STARS COME OUT TO SHINE WITH THE

PREMIER OF "THE CHANGEUP."

IT'S ANOTHER CLASSIC SWITCHEROO.

AND THAT'S TODAY'S WORLD NEWS OF

THE WORLD TODAY.

PIP PIP!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WOW, I'VE GOT TO

ADMIT, THAT FILLED MY HEART A

LITTLE BIT.

REALLY DOES TAKE ME BACK TO THAT

TIME WHEN AMERICA HAD SUCH

PURPOSE AS WELL.

YOU KNOW, THE GREAT ESTROGEN

NATION MANY WAYS...

>> OH, SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN.

EASY NOW.

>> Jon: JUST SAYING, IF

THERE'S GOING TO BE A WAR, MAYBE

AMERICA COULD...

>> COOL IT, COOL IT.

>> Jon: JUMP IN REALLY GOOD...

>> COOL IT.

>> Jon: I JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT WE'RE GOOD AT THESE TYPES

OF WARS.

>> NOT SO FAST, JON.

FIRST LET US DO WHAT WE DO: TEAR

OUR ENTIRE CONTINENT APART.

THEN YOU DO WHAT YOU DO: SIT

BACK AND WATCH US, SELL US

WEAPONS, BUILD UP YOUR

STRUGGLING ECONOMY AND THEN AT

THE LAST MINUTE.

>> Jon: SWOOP IN AND SAVE THE

WORLD FROM EVIL!

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT, CAPTAIN AMERICA!

>> Jon: GOOD

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