The Employees Strike Back - Twinkie's End

  • Aired:  11/27/12
  •  | Views: 72,327

A combination of union demands, overpaid CEOs and health-conscious moms dooms America's beloved diabetes dispensary, the Twinkie. (5:14)

BUT I GUESS THE POINT IS UNIONS WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO DESTROY OUR WAY OF LIFE.

AND WAL-MART IS NOT THE ONLY AMERICAN TREASURE ON THEIR HIT LIST.

>> IF YOU LOVE TWINKIES, SORRY, BRACE YOURSELF FOR THIS ONE.

>> Jon: LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER) IF YOU LOVE TWINKIES YOU ARE PROBABLY ALREADY USED TO BEING TOLD TO BRACE YOURSELF FOR BAD NEWS.

(LAUGHTER) ONLY USUALLY IT'S FROM A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS.

(LAUGHTER) BUT, ALL RIGHT.

CONTINUE.

>> IF YOU LOVE TWINKIES, SORRY, BRACE YOURSELF FOR THIS ONE.

TIME HAS RUN OUT FOR AMERICA'S ICONIC BAKING COMPANY.

>> AFTER 82 YEARS, HOSTESS IS SHUTTING DOWN FOLLOWING A BANKRUPTCY FILING.

>> NO MORE TWINKIES, NO MORE HO-HOES, NO MORE SNO BALLS.

>> Jon: NO MORE RING DINGS, NO MORE DING-DONGS, NO MORE DONG RINGS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) OH, MY GOD, THAT'S NOT CREAM.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) HOSTESS WILL -- IT'S JELLY.

(LAUGHTER) (SIGHS) HOSTESS WILL BE NO MORE!

OH, NO!

WHERE WILL I GO NOW FOR MY STOMACH ACHES AND SELF-MEDICATION?

WHERE WILL I GET THE CRAP TO FILL THE BOTTOMLESS PIT IN ME THAT WILL NEVER BE FILLED.

BOXED WINE?

ARBY'S?

I'M NOT GOING BACK THERE!

(LAUGHTER) WHAT COULD HAVE DESTROYED THIS BELOVED AMERICAN DIABETES DISPENSARY.

>> IT'S THE UNIONS THAT REALLY DID IT IN BECAUSE THEY WOULD NOT ALLOW HOSTESS TO OPERATE EFFICIENTLY.

>> HOSTESS, WHICH WAS FORCED TO CLOSE ITS DOORS DUE TO UNION DEMANDS, THEY COULDN'T AFFORD TO

STAY IN BUSINESS DURING A LONG WORKER STRIKE.

>> THE UNION PREFERRED KILLING THE COMPANY TO ACCEPTING WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS A BAD DEAL.

>> Jon: UNIONS!

YOU'VE GOT TO IMAGINE GINGRICH IS TAKING THIS HARD.

HE IS, AFTER ALL, HALF STPHO + BALL ON HIS FATHER'S SIDE.

(LAUGHTER) JUST TO PLAY DEVIL DOG ADVOCATE HERE, COULD THERE BE ANOTHER REASON HOSTESS WENT BANKRUPT?

>> THIS COMPANY COULD NOT RUN ITSELF EFFICIENTLY.

IN THE LAST TEN YEARS THEY'VE HAD SEVEN C.E.O.s.

>> Jon: OH, UNCERTAINTY.

I'M TOLD THE MARKET ABHORS IT.

>> AFTER THE 2004 BANKRUPTCY, THE WORKERS TOOK WAGE AND BENEFIT CUTS.

IT WASN'T ENOUGH.

THE C.E.O. GAVE HIMSELF A 300% RAISE.

>> Jon: SO THE UNIONS HAD ALREADY TAKEN A CUT IN SOMEWHAT INVERSE VERSE PROPORTION TO THE

SECECI OWE'S RISING COMPENSATION WHICH HE DESERVES FOR CONVINCING TO UNION TO TAKE THAT CUT.

ANYTHING ELSE OTHER THAN UNIONS UNIONS THAT COULD HAVE SABOTAGED THE COUNTRY?

>> SALES DROPS AS MOM SWAPPED OUT THE FAT-FILLED GOODIES AND WHITE BREAD FOR HEALTHIER

LUNCHBOX FOODS.

>> Jon: (BLEEP)ING MOMS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HOW DARE YOU, MOMS?

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I JUST LOVE AMERICA THIS MUCH, BUT I SAY LET MARS HAVE THEM!

(LAUGHTER) IT'S A "MARS NEEDS --" I SEE A LOT OF CHILDREN'S MOVIES BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I ALSO THINK-- AND THIS IS JUST A MARKETING TIP-- LET'S NOT FORGET THE HOSTESS

MASCOT IS SOME KIND OF HIGH SPIRITED COUNTRY WESTERN DILDO.

(LAUGHTER) BUT AS ALWAYS THE REAL VICTIMS HERE BE THE CHILDREN.

>> IT'S SAD THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KNOW WHAT TWINKIES ARE.

THEY'RE GOING TO GROW UP NOT KNOWING WHAT TWINKIES ARE.

(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW, EACH GENERATION HAS ITS BURDENS, MY KIDS MIGHT NEVER KNOW THE PLEASURE OF DOING

DOUGHNUTS IN THE HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT IN AN A.M.C.

GREMLIN.

I GREW UP NOT KNOWING POLIO.

YOU GET BY.

(LAUGHTER) IF WE'RE REALLY CRAVING A HIT OF TWINGE, WE CAN ALWAYS MAKE OUR OWN.

>> THERE ARE 37 INGREDIENTS IN THIS LITTLE CAKE.

MANY YOU'D EXPECT, SOME FLOUR, LOTS OF SUGAR, CORN SYRUP.

BUT HOW ABOUT CORN DEXTRIN?

THAT'S THE STICKY GLUE FOUND ON THE BACK OF ENVELOPES AND THAT SMOOTH CREAMY CENTER?

IT'S MADE FROM CELLULOSE GUM.

THAT'S USED IN HAIR GEL, SHAMPOO, EVEN ROCKET FUEL.

>> Jon: ROCKET FUEL!

THAT EXPLAINS THE BLUE FLAME THAT SHOOTS OUT OF MY ASS WHATEVER I EAT A TWINKIE!

RECTUM, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH?

WHEN I WAS MAKING MY TWINKIES I FORGOT THE CELLULOSE GUM.

OH, I'M AN IDIOT!

I MADE MYSELF A TWINGE KEY USING ONLY 36 INGREDIENTS.

IT PROBABLY WON'T MAKE THAT BIG A DIFFERENCE.

IT'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE ABOUT THE SAME.

OH, THEY'RE READY.

LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT.

HMM.

>> KILL ME!

PLEASE, KILL ME!

>> Jon: I'M SO SORRY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT

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