On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix - Don't Wake the Queen

  • Aired:  07/23/13
  •  | Views: 50,938

England celebrates the birth of the royal baby in the traditional way -- by drinking. (5:51)

>> John: JON STEWART IS STILL

NOT HERE.

HE'S ACTUALLY UPSTATE IN THE KIT

SKILLS.

THE OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS FROM

THE COUNCIL ON FOREIGN

RELATIONS.

RICHARD HAASS WILL BE WITH US.

BEFORE WE GET STARTED LAST NIGHT

JUST BEFORE WE WENT ON AIR, THE

ROYAL BABY WAS BORN.

SO WE TURN OUR COVERAGE TONIGHT

JUST BEFORE SHOW TIME THERE WAS

BREAKING NEWS ABOUT ANTHONY WEAN

SER... WEINER.

SO WE WILL COVER ANTHONY

WEINER'S TOMORROW WHICH SPOILER

ALERT IS DOING A LOT MORE THAN

ANTHONY WEINER HAS BEEN DOING.

FOR NOW, ROLL IT.

(TRUMPET FANFARE).

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT WAS A BOY.

AND FINALLY WE HAVE A MEMBER OF

THE ROYAL FAMILY WITH AN ACTUAL

EXCUSE FOR BEING A TOOTHLESS,

PET LUNT, USELESS HUMAN BEING.

THAT WILL GET ME IN TROUBLE BACK

HOME.

THIS BOY CAME INTO THE WORLD

WITH SO MUCH POMP AND

CIRCUMSTANCE IT'S HARD TO...

>> WE BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOW

BEING PUT ON THE EASEL.

IN FACT, IT IS THERE.

IT IS NOW BEING CHAINED IN TO

THE FAMOUS GOLDEN EASEL AT

BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

>> THE GOLDEN EASEL.

DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT.

YOU'LL MAKE IT DIRTY WITH YOUR

PEASANT EYES.

INCIDENTALLY THAT EASEL IS

TRADITIONALLY USED.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SOME FOUND OUT BY EASEL AND

OTHERS IN THIS WAY.

(INAUDIBLE) GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

>> John: OKAY.

I'M ENGLISH AND I HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT THAT MAN JUST YELLED.

IS THAT HOW THE QUEEN FOUND OUT?

PRESSING HER FACE UP AGAINST THE

WINDOW AND HEARING (YELLING) A

BABY!

>> WILLIAM IS HOLDING HIS NEW

CHILD IN HIS ARMS.

HE WILL PHONE THE QUEEN AND SAY,

HELLO, GRANNY, IT'S A BABY.

>> John: IT'S A BABY.

THAT GENUINELY IS WORTH

MENTIONING.

JUST HOW INBRED IS THIS FAMILY?

REALLY?

YOU KNOW, YOUR GREAT AUNT GAVE

BIRTH TO SOMETHING ELSE.

OF COURSE, HOW COULD ANYTHING

INVOLVING THE QUEEN...

>> THE QUEEN LIKES TO GO TO BED

AROUND 9:00 P.M. U.K. TIME.

>> WE'RE A LITTLE NERVOUS AS

NIGHT WAS APPROACHING BECAUSE

YOU CAN'T ROUSE THE QUEEN AFTER

10:30 OR SO AT NIGHT.

>> John: THAT'S RIGHT.

OH, THAT IS TRUE.

IF THAT BABY HADN'T COME OUT

BEFORE 9:00 HE WAS GOING TO BE

PUSHED BACK IN.

YOU DID NOT DISTURB HER MAJESTY.

NOW, THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT THE

QUEEN WASN'T INTIMATELY INVOLVED

IN BIRTHING PROCESS.

>> THE QUEEN'S GYNECOLOGIST HAS

BEEN VERY INVOLVED IN THIS

PREGNANCY AND LABOR.

>> John: AS A SOCIETY WE WILL

NEVER SPEAK ALLOWED OR EVEN

THINK THE PHRASE "THE QUEEN'S

GYNECOLOGIST" EVER AGAIN.

ONCE THE WORD AND THE BABY WERE

OUT, IT WAS SHOW TIME.

THERE WERE CANNONS.

THERE WAS THE TRADITIONAL DAVID

BECKHAM WELCOME.

AS IS THE CASE WITH ALL THE

ROYAL OCCASIONS THE SONG WITH

ELTON JOHN THIS TIME DRESSED AS

A BABY AND SINGING "I JUST CAN'T

WAIT TO BE KING."

BRITAIN CELEBRATED IN ITS

TRADITIONAL WAY: BY DRINKING.

>> BUCKLEBERRY WHERE KATE'S

PARENTS LIVE.

>> KATE AND WILLIAM,...

John: I'M SORRY.

CAN WE STOP IT RIGHT THERE.

GO BACK A BIT.

WAS THERE A HORSE IN THAT BAR?

YES!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE'S AN ACTUAL HORSE.

NOT ONLY WAS THERE A HORSE.

BUT IT WAS WATCHING TELEVISION

WITH EVERYONE ELSE.

THAT IS THE SINGLE GREATEST

THING ON THE PLANET.

NOT SO MUCH BECAUSE THERE'S A

HORSE IN THERE BUT BECAUSE THAT

HORSE IS CLEARLY THERE SO OFTEN.

IT'S NOT THE LEAST BIT

SURPRISING.

YOU GET THE SENSE THAT IF THIS

HORSE WALKED IN AND THE

BARTENDER SAID, "WHY THE LONG

FACE," THE HORSE WOULD SAY," I

HAD A ROUGH DAY AT WORK.

NOW GIVE ME A BOTTLE OF

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