Indecision 2012 - Jump on the Blandwagon

  • Aired:  02/01/12
  •  | Views: 122,430

Mitt Romney takes Florida by a landslide, and Newt Gingrich confuses getting his ass kicked with winning the general election. (6:41)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE

"DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

HAPPY GROUNDHOG'S DAY EVE.

WE HAVE A NICE SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

BRAD PITT WILL BE JOINING US ON

THE PROGRAM

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOT-- NOT-- NOT THAT ONE.

( LAUGHTER ).

INSURANCE SALESMAN FROM

POUGHKEEPSIE.

THAT WAS A VERY WARM RESPONSE TO

HIM.

LET'S BEGIN TONIGHT WITH LAST

NIGHT'S PRIMARY RESULT OUT OF

FLORIDA, WHERE MITT ROMNEY

DECISIVELY THUMPED NEWT GINGRICH

BY 14 PERCENTAGE POINTS.

NOW, I CAN EASILY BREAK THAT

VOTE DOWN FOR YOU

DEMOGRAPHICALLY, GEOGRAPHICALLY,

GIVE YOU A SENSE FROM ALL THE

DIFFERENT INTEREST GROUPS OF HOW

BAD A NIGHT NEWT GINGRICH HAD.

BUT PERHAPS A MORE SUCCINCT AND

ENTERTAINING WAY TO EXEMPLIFY

THE MAGNITUDE OF THIS DEFEAT,

IMAGINE THIS SKATEBOARDER IS

NEWT GINGRICH AND HE HAS SOME

MOMENTUM OUT OF SOUTH CAROLINA--

OH!

OH, MY GOD!

OH!

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

( LAUGHTER )

WHAT-- THE RESULTS FOR NEWT

GINGRICH IN FLORIDA ARE SIMILAR

TO THE HARDEST YOU COULD EVER BE

HIT IN YOUR BALLS.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT IN THE END, THE VICTORY AND

A SET OF STILL-FUNCTION, CUEVOS,

WAS ROMNEY'S AND SOCELEBRATE

ROMNEY UNVEILED THE NEW GENERAL

ELECTION ROMNEY.

ALWAYS EXCITING TO SEE A NEW

ROMNEY.

I WONDER WHAT THIS RON WILL BE

LIKE.

>> I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER WHEN

OUR WHITE HOUSE REFLECTED THE

BEST OF WHO WE ARE, NOT THE

WORST OF WHAT EUROPE HAS BECOME.

PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ADOPTED A

POLICY OF APPEASEMENT AND

APOLOGY.

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S VIEW OF A FREE

ECONOMY IS TO SEND YOUR MONEY TO

HIS FRIENDS.

LIKE HIS COLLEAGUES IN THE

FACULTY LOUNGE WHO THINK THEY

KNOW BETTER, PRESIDENT OBAMA

DEMONIZES AND DENIGRATES ALMOST

EVERY SECTOR OF OUR ECONOMY.

>> Jon: WHEREAS I, MITT

ROMNEY, ONLY DEMONIZE AND

DENIGRATE PEOPLE WHO WORK IN A

FACULTY LOUNGE.

( LAUGHTER ).

TEACHERS WITH THEIR FIVE-FIGURE

SALARIES AND THEIR FANCY COFFEED

CUPS, AND CHALK-DUSTED JACKETS

FROM MARSHALLS.

YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK!

( LAUGHTER )

OBAMA IS AN ELITIST WITH HIS

ADVANCED DEGREE FROM HARVARD,

SAYS THE MAN WITH TWO ADVANCED

DEGREES FROM HARVARD.

CAN'T WE JUST AGREE BOTH OF YOUR

EXCELLENT EDUCATIONS MERIT OUR

DISDAIN?

PERHAPS IT'S WHAT OBAMA HAS NOT

YET DONE BUT DEFINITELY WILL DO

WITH HIS FANCY BOOK LEARNING.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA WANTS TO

FUNDAMENTALLY TRANSFORM AMERICA

AND MAKE IT SOMETHING PERHAPS WE

WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE.

>> Jon: IN PRESIDENT

OBAMA'S AMERICA, DOGS WALK THEIR

OWNERS.

( LAUGHTER ).

BASEBALLS HIT PEOPLE WITH BATS.

( LAUGHTER )

PRESIDENT OBAMA WANTS TO TURN

THIS COUNTRY INTO A PLACE WHERE

WE EAT WITH OUR BUTTS AND POOP

WITH OUR MOUTHS.

( LAUGHTER )

YOU KNOW, EUROPE.

BY THE WAY, I JUST WANT TO POINT

OUT, WE COULD HAVE DONE A

GRAPHIC FOR THAT.

WE DIDN'T.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

RESPECT.

BUT ENOUGH-- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR NOT SHOWING

( BLEEP ) COMING OUT OF A MAN'S

MOUTH.

I VERY MUCH APPRECIATE THAT.

IT'S REALLY TERRIFIC OF YOU TO

DO THAT.

BUT ENOUGH FROM METROMAN IN

HERE.

LET'S HEAR FROM MEGAMIND.

SURELY, THIS RESULT HAS HUMBLED

MEGAMIND.

>> ON THE VERY FIRST DAY I WILL

SIGN AN EXCLUSIVE ORDER.

>> Jon: FIRST AT A OF WHAT!

ARE YOU LAYING OUT WHAT YOU'LL

DO ON YOUR FIRST DAY AS

PRESIDENT?

>> ON THE VERY FIRST DAY, I WILL

SIGN AN EXECUTIVE ORDER

REPEALING EVERY ANTIRELIGIOUS

ACT OF THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.

IMMEDIATELY, PASS THE REPEAL OF

THE DODD-FRANK BILL, ABOLISH ALL

OF THE WHITE HOUSE CZARS.

NO POINT IN HANGING OUT AND

HAVING FUN.

BEFORE WE GET TO GO TO THE

VARIOUS BALLS THAT NIGHT, WE'RE

GOING TO HAVE A WORK PERIOD.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A WORKING

PRESIDENCY.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: NEWT GINGRICH

APPEARS TO HAVE CONFUSEDLY THE

FLORIDA REPUBLICAN PRIMARY WITH

THE GENERAL ELECTION.

AND GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED WITH

WINNING.

YOU MAY THINK IT'S A LITTLE

EARLY FOR NEWT TO BE LIMBERING

UP HIS BILL-SIGNING HAND.

AFTER ALL HE LOST BADLY IN

FLORIDA AND THE REPUBLICAN

ESTABLISHMENT APPEARS TO HATE

HIM AS MUCH AS EVERYONE WHO IS

NOT REPUBLICAN.

BUT NEWT FEELS LIKE HE'LL BOUNCE

BACK, AND THERE IS A GOOD REASON

WHY.

>> I HAVE BEEN STUDYING WHAT

AMERICA NEEDS TO DO SINCE THE

FALL OF 1958.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: YOU WERE 15.

( LAUGHTER )

YOUR CAMPAIGN JUST KEEPS GETTING

SADDER AND SADDER.

THAT'S-- THAT SENTENCE JUST

SOUNDS LIKE IT'S FROM THE WORST

ORIGIN STORY FOR A SUPER BILL

THAN EVER.

WHEN I WAS 15 WE MOVED NEAR A

TOXIC WASTE DUMP AND ONE DAY

WHILE WALK HOME I WAS BITTEN BY

A RADIOACTIVE POLICY ANALYST.

IF YOU THINK THAT SOUND

DRAMATIC, GET A LODE OF THIS OLD

CHESTNUT THAT SEEMS TO BE

STRAIGHT FROM THE ROMAN SENATE.

>> I PROMISE YOU, IF I BECOME

YOUR PRESIDENT, I PLEDGE TO YOU

MY LIFE, MY FORTUNE, AND MY

SACRED HONOR.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: I DON'T WANT TO SAY

ANYTHING, BUT I THINK NEWT

GINGRICH JUST ASKED US ALL TO BE

HIS FOURTH WIFE.

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