Totally Non Gay All Male Tackle-Fest XLVII Feat. Beyonce

  • Aired:  02/04/13
  •  | Views: 37,705

A multi-million-dollar Super Bowl sound and light show was followed by yet another sign that America's basic infrastructure is on the verge of collapse. (4:02)

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

FORMER CHANCELLOR OF WASHINGTON D.C. PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM MICHELLE RHEE IS GOING TO BE

JOINING US HERE.

STAY IN SCHOOL.

DON'T DROP OUT AND GET HIGH AND COME TO A TAPING OF THE SHOW.

AND ASK THE HOST, WHAT'S IS YOUR SCRIPT, MAN?

WHAT'S ON THERE?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS IT THE LETTER G?

WE HAVE FUN HERE.

LISTEN.

LET'S BEGIN TONIGHT WITH LAST NIGHT.

A SPORTING EVENT KNOW ENCAPSULATES THE ENTIRE TEE OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN AMERICAN.

AN EVENT KNOW BEGINS WITH AN EMOTIONAL SALUTE TO THE VICTIMS OF GUN VIOLENCE QUICKLY GIVES

WAY WITH A PROMOTIONAL SALUTE TO THE GLORIFYING OF SAID GUN VIOLENCE.

>> BANG-BANG TIME.

Jon: YES, IT IS.

BANG-BANG TIME.

DIDN'T REALIZE IT HAD TAKEN SUCH A DARK TURN.

WE CHEERED AS MEN COMMITTED BRUTAL VIOLENCE ONE ANOTHER AND THEN COMPLAINED BITTERLY AT THE

SIGHT OF TWO PEOPLE KISSING.

AND A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR SOUND AND LIGHT SHOW WAS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY YET ANOTHER SIGN

THAT OUR BASIC INFRASTRUCTURE IS ON THE VERGE OF COLLAPSE.

COULDN'T FIND A FOOTBALL MOVIE WHERE THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.

LAST NIGHT WAS A BIG BOWL OF SUPER.

ANYBODY OUT THERE WITH RED BLOOD COURSING THROUGH THEIR VEINS WATCHED THE RAVENS SQUEEZE BY

THE SAN FRANCISCO 49'ers ALL WHILE EATING FOOD DESIGNED TO STOP RED BLOOD FROM COURSING

THROUGH THEIR VEINS.

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

ANYBODY CAN PRETEND TO BE A REAL AMERICAN AND WATCH IT.

I TAKE IT UP A NOTCH.

I SKEET SHOOT WHILE I WATCH.

SKEET SHOOT ALL THE TIME, MAN.

WHEN I'M WATCHING TV, I SKEET SHOOT.

INSIDE.

OUTSIDE.

THAT'S NOT PHOTO SHOPPED.

THERE'S NO WAY TO PHOTO SHOP A SKEET SHOOT PICTURE.

AS WITH ANY GREAT AMERICAN CONFLICT, THIS GAME PIT BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER.

EACH WONDERING WHO WOULD FINALLY WIN THE GAME AND WITH IT THE LONG LOST LOVE OF THEIR PARENTS.

BY HALF TIME WITH THE SCORE 21-6 IT APPEARED THE GAME WAS ALL BUT OVER.

THAT'S WHEN SHE WALKED IN.

AMAZING VOCALS, BREATH TAKING CHOREOGRAPHY AND OF COURSE WHATEVER THIS WAS.

SHE EVEN LET TWO LUCKY CONTEST WINNERS JOIN HER ON STAGE.

YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT ONE, HUH?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ACTUALLY IT WAS VERY NICE TO SEE DESTINY'S CHILD BACK TOGETHER

AGAIN OR AS GEORGE STEPHANAPOLOUS CALLS THEM THE POINTER SISTERS

>> THAT'S MORGAN FREEMAN, I THINK.

>> Jon: NEVER GETS OLD.

YOU KNOW, AFTER BEYONCE'S PERFORMANCE, IF YOU LIKED IT, YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A FUSE ON IT.

JUST AS BALTIMORE'S JACOBY JONES SEEMINGLY PUT THE GAME OUT OF REACH...

>> THIS IS ABOUT A PIECE OF ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT THAT MONITORS THE FEEDING INTO THE STADIUM.

OFFICIALS ARE CALLING IT, QUOTE, AN ABNORMALITY

>> Jon: OH, RIGHT.

AN ABNORMALITY.

(YELLING) WHY DID YOU (MUMBLING)?

HOW MANY FOOTBALL

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