The Socialist Network

  • Aired:  01/20/11
  •  | Views: 111,577

Hu Jintao gets the full treatment in Washington, D.C., and Jason Jones congratulates China on "developing" the stealth fighter. (6:52)

>> Jon:

Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW," MY NAME IS JON STEWART!

TONIGHT ON THE PROGRAM... WE'VE

GOT A GOOD ONE FOR YOU.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE'VE GOT

KAMBIZ HOSSEINI AND SAMAN ARBABI

HOSTS, CREATIVE PRODUCERS,

WRITERS OF THE POLITICAL SATIRE

SHOW "PARAZIT."

TO IRANIANS WHO ARE MAKING JUST

A HILARIOUS SHOW AND I'M SO GLAD

WE COULD HAVE THEM ON THE

PROGRAM TONIGHT.

BUT FIRST, LET'S... LET ME START

OFF... HAVE YOU BEFORE IN A

SITUATION WHERE YOU OWE SOMEONE

MONEY?

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU KIND OF HOPE, LIKE,

MAYBE THEY'LL FORGET ABOUT IT.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW IMAGINE THAT THE GUY YOU OWE

MONEY TO IS A COUNTRY.

AND THE "SOME" MONEY IS ALMOST A

TRILLION DOLLARS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHINA'S PRESIDENT HU JINTAO

ARRIVES IN WASHINGTON FOR A

STATE VISIT TODAY.

>> Jon: (BEEP)

(LAUGHTER)

QUICK, AMERICA, TURN OFF THE

LIGHTS!

(LAUGHTER)

MAYBE HE'LL THINK WE'RE NOT

HOME!

>> THE COMMUNIST LEADER TOUCHING

DOWN JUST A COUPLE OF MOMENTS

AGO AT ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE.

VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN WAITING

TO GREET HIM.

>> Jon: BIDEN!

(LAUGHTER)

SCREWING UP THE WHOLE PLAN!

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, NOW THAT THE CHINA NEEDS

KNOW WE'RE HOME, CHINESE

PRESIDENT HU JINTAO... HU

JINTAO'S GETTING THE FULL

TREATMENT.

HIGH-LEVEL MEETINGS, PRESS

CONFERENCE, STATE DINNER, AND A

FRONT-ROW SEAT TO A GRAND REVIEW

OF OUR MILITARY MIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, NICE WORK.

NICE JOB.

REAL IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY IN FRONT

OF THE LEADER OF A COUNTRY THAT

MADE THIS THE OPENING ACT TO A

VOLLEYBALL MATCH/SWIM MEET.

(LAUGHTER)

S LISTEN, I'M NOT TRYING TO...

NOT TO MAKE FUN OF THE FIFE AND

DRUMS, I MEAN, WE CAN'T GO TOO

ALL OUT.

WE WANT CHINA TO HAVE A NICE

TIME BUT WE DO OWE THEM A

TRILLION DOLLARS.

(LAUGHTER)

IT IS HIS MONEY.

BUT IT'S ALL GOOD, RIGHT, CHINA?

>> DOES THE UNITED STATES NEED

TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS AMS NOW

GROWING THREAT FROM CHINA?

>> WE DO OWE CHINA A LOT OF

MONEY.

>> CHINA IS NOW THE LARGEST

FOREIGN HOLDER OF U.S. DEBT.

>> SHOULD WE FEAR CHINA?

>> Jon: FEAR THEM?

BABY, CHILL!

WE'RE PLAYING THIS JUST RIGHT.

SEE, WHEN A COUNTRY OWES YOU A

BILLION DOLLARS THEY'VE GOT A

PROBLEM.

WHEN A COUNTRY OWES YOU A

TRILLION DOLLARS YOU GOT

PROBLEMS.

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE TOO BIG TO FAIL MOTHER

(BEEP)S!

WE'RE A.I.G.!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A LITTLE OBJECT LESSON.

YOU KNOW, ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO

THERE WAS ANOTHER ASIAN COUNTRY

WHOSE ECONOMIC IMPERIALISM WE

FEARED.

TODAY THEIR CHIEF AMERICAN

EXPORT?

GIANT SLIPPERY BALLS.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT GUY HURT HIMSELF BADLY!

(LAUGHTER)

RELAX!

WE'LL PROMISE CHINA WE'LL BE

MORE FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE.

WE'LL DOUBLE OUR PLASTIC

TOOTHPICK IMPORT ORDERS.

CHA-CHA THAT AND A COUPLE YEARS

WE'LL BE BACK ON TOP AND IT WILL

ALL BE INCREDIBLY POLLUTED WATER

UNDER THE BRIDGE.

>> THE CHINESE PRESIDENT TOOK A

SHOT AT THE U.S. DOLLAR SAYING

ITS DOMINANCE MAY BE A PRODUCT

OF THE PAST.

>> WHAT HE WANTS IS THE RENMINBI

HIS CURRENCY, TO BE THE WORLD'S

GLOBAL RESERVE.

>> Jon: WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU JUST WANT TO MAKE THE DOLLAR

ANOTHER... YOU KNOW, CHINA?

FINE!

GO AHEAD, WORLD!

MAKE THE RENMINBI THE GLOBAL

CURRENCY.

MAKE CHINA THE WORLD'S

SUPERPOWER.

(BEEP) IT.

HERE'S THE KEYS!

TAKE THEM, TAKE THEM!

YOU KNOW WHAT, WORLD?

WE QUIT!

YOU WANT IT, CHINA, YOU GOT IT!

CHINA IS THE NEW US!

EVERYBODY WAS COMING TO US WITH

SECURITY, MOSQUITO NETS,

WHATEVER, FINE, FINE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE'RE DONE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT AFRICA?

(BEEP) YOU!

SOUTHEAST ASIA (BEEP) YOU!

AMSTERDAM, YOU'RE COOL.

WE'RE STILL GOOD, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE,

CHINA!

EVERYBODY WANTS AND WANTS AND

WANTS.

DO THEY APPRECIATE IT?

NO.

I KNOW YOU LOVE YOUR FLAGS,

CHINA.

BETTER MAKE MORE OF THEM BECAUSE

PEOPLE ARE GOING TO START

BURNING THEM!

(LAUGHTER)

BEING A SUPERPOWER IS LIKE BEING

A SANTA CLAUS THAT EVERYONE

WANTS TO KILL.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST GIVE ME WHAT'S IN THE

BACKPACK, MAN, AND GET THE

(BEEP) OUT!

(LAUGHTER)

>> REPORTS THAT CHINA'S MILITARY

RAN A SUCCESSFUL FIRST TEST

FLIGHT OF A NEW STEALTH FIGHTER

JET.

>> IT COULD END UP BAG MAJOR

CHALLENGE TO U.S. AIR

SUPERIORITY.

>> IT'S CALLED THE J-20 AND

ANALYSTS SAY IT WOULD BE A

STRONG RIVAL TO AMERICA'S F-22

STEALTH FIGHTER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THAT'S IT?

STEALTH FIGHTER?

THAT'S THE BLES YOU GOT?

GOOD LUCK WITH IT.

I THINK WE HAVE A STEALTH

FIGHTER AS WELL.

I THINK JASON JONES MIGHT BE

STANDING BY WITH IT.

HEY, JASON.

>> WHAT'S UP, SGLON

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: JASON, IS THAT A STEALTH

FIGHTER JET YOU'RE STANDING NEXT

TO?

>> WHAT?

THIS OLD GIRL HERE?

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> YUP.

>> Jon: WOW.

JASON, STEALTH FIGHTER

TECHNOLOGY, I MEAN, YOU MUST BE

IN A PRETTY SUPER SECRET

LOCATION.

>> INDEED.

(LAUGHTER)

AS THIS UNDERCOVER FOOTAGE I

SHOT EARLIER SHOWS, NOBODY IS

GOING TO LAY THEIR EYES ON THIS

BABY.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY ARE

GETTING THEIR CAR WASHED, BYING

AN H & H BASEBALL OR REASON ARE

ON THE WEST SIDE OF MANHATTAN

NEAR 46th STREET BY THE INTREPID

MUSEUM.

(APPLAUSE)

BUT SERIOUSLY, CONGRATULATIONS,

CHINA, ON DEVELOPING THE STEALTH

FIGHTER.

>> Jon: WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> YOU KNOW, JON, THE ULTIMATE

IRONY HERE IS THAT THE CHINESE

HAVE HAD THIS TECHNOLOGY TO MAKE

STEALTH PLANES FOR YEARS.

FOR INSTANCE, IF YOU GO TO THE

GIFT SHOP OF THE INTREPID TO BUY

THE MODEL OF THE STEALTH PLANE,

FLIP IT OVER, AND IT READS "MADE

IN CHINA."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: SO PERHAPS WE DON'T HAVE

MUCH TO FEAR FROM CHINA'S

STEALTH PLANES?

>> WELL, NO, NOT THE BIG ONES,

NO.

BUT I CAN'T VOUCH FOR THE LEAD

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