Pricks of Persia

  • Aired:  01/10/12
  •  | Views: 203,012

The GOP candidates hate the idea of Iran developing nukes, and bombing s**t in the desert is kind of America's thing. (7:28)

GLAD TO HAVE YOU ON BOARD.

WE'VE BEEN SO FOCUSED ON THE UP

TO THE MINUTE MICROCHANGES OF

EARLY PRIMARY STATES.

I WONDER WHAT GOING IS ON IN THE

WORLD.

>> IRAN IS DEFYING THE REST OF

THE WORLD STARTING PRODUCTION AT

A SECOND URANIUM ENRICHMENT

SITE.

>> THIS URANIUM ENRICHMENT IS

TAKING PLACE AT A SITE CALLED

FORDO.

>> Jon: AH, FORDO NAMED FOR

THE FAMED HERO OF LORD OF THE

RINGS KNOCKOFF STREET VENDOR

TRILOGY.

WE WENT THERE.

A LIGHT FRIGHTENING.

>> IRAN IS SAYING, LOOK, IT'S

OKAY BEGUN EVERYBODY RELAX

BECAUSE WE'RE TRYING TO GET

RADIO ISOTOPES BY ENRICHING THIS

URANIUM BECAUSE THERE ARE

800,000 CANCER PATIENTS WHO NEED

IT.

>> Jon: SORIC I THOUGHT YOU

WERE BUILDING A NUCLEAR WEAPON.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS FOR

MEDICAL REASONS.

MAYBE YOUR PEOPLE WOULDN'T HAVE

SUCH A HIGH CANCER RATE IF YOU

DIDN'T HAVE SO MUCH TIME

ENRICHING URANIUM.

CAN A BROTHER GET A HAZMAT SUIT?

ARE YOU TOURING A NUCLEAR PLANT

OR FILLING MY XANAX PRESCRIPTION

AT RITE AID?

YOU'RE IN A -- ALL RIGHT.

LET'S TO TAKE IRAN AT ITS WORLD

IT'S NOT A HOSTILE ACT TO ENRICH

IT WE'RE COOL.

>> THEY ARE THREATENING TO BLOCK

THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ.

>> A FIFTH OF THE WORL'S WATER

PASSES THROUGH THERE.

>> IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT

WATERWAY ON THE PLANET.

>> Jon: I KNOW THE BERING

STRAIT IS RIGHT NOW LIKE OH, NO

YOU DIDN'T.

AND THE SUEZ CANAL IS WHAT LIKE

AM I CHOPPED LIVER?

PANAMA CALL NAL IS LIKE WHAT?

IF YOU LIKE THIS YOU'LL LOVE THE

CD COLLECTION STEWART

ANTHROPOMORPHIZES THE WORLD'S

WATER WAYS.

ERIE CANAL WHAT IS -- I'LL GIVE

YOU A MOMENT TO MAKE THE CALL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHERE WAS I?

ALL RIGHT THE GATHERING CLOUDS

OF WAR.

WHAT SUP IRAN?

I THOUGHT WE WERE TRYING TO BE

COOL?

SEEMS LIKE THE PERSIAN GULF

MILITARY PRESENCE IS HOOKING YOU

UP SWEETLY.

>> THE U.S. COAST GUARD COMING

TO THE RESCUE OF AN AN RAYAN

SHIP IN THE GULF STRANDED.

>> Jon: THAT'S AFTER THE U.S.

RESCUING IRANIAN FISHERMEN FROM

SOMALI PIRATES.

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WOULD

LIKE TO SAY TO US, IRAN?

>> IRAN SENTENCES AN AMERICAN TO

DEATH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: IS THERE SOMETHING

ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO

US?

>> IRAN CLAIMS HE WAS SENT BY

THE C.I.A. CONTINUE TO FILTRATE

THAT COUNTRY'S INTELLIGENCE AND

DESTABILIZE THE COUNTRY.

HIS FAMILY SAID HE WAS VISITING

GRANDPARENTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: SPIES SPENT TO

DESTABILIZE THE COUNTRY GOING TO

GRANDMAS.

I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS

HEADED.

TO HOLLYWOOD, THE SPY WHO LOVED

HIS BUBBY?

NO, OCTOGENARIAN?

NO THE HUNT FOR RED HEART CANDY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M NOT SURE YOU DESERVE

ANOTHER -- ALL RIGHT FINE.

THREE DAYS IN THE CONDO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SEE WE WASTED OUR AFTERNOON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IRAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHY ARE YOU POKING AT US?

YOU KNOW IRAN MEET ME AT CAMERA

THREE.

WHAT SUP, IRAN?

I KNOW IT'S FUN TO ANNOY US,

PULL ON THE GREAT SATAN'S BEARD.

YOU DO REALIZE THERE ARE A LOT

OF PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY WHO

WOULD LIKE TO BOMB YOU.

HAVE YOU PAID ATTENTION TO YOUR

REGION'S HISTORY IN THE PAST TEN

YEARS OR SO?

DO YOU WANT US TO BOMB YOU?

DID YOU LOOK AT IRAQ AND THINK,

HOW DO WE GET IN ON THAT SNAKS

WE HAVE FAR TOO MANY WORKING

ROADS AND EREKD BUILDINGS.

I HEAR THERE'S MONEY TO BE MADE

IN THE RUBBLE BUSINESS.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW

THIS BUT SINCE OUR MANUFACTURING

BASE DEPARTED IN THE 70s,

BOMBING (bleep) IN THE DESERT

IS KIND OF OUR THING NOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW IN THE UNITED STATES

OUR CHIEF EXPORT IS BOOMS!

AND THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION

DOESN'T PLAY.

>> DO NOT DEVELOP A NUCLEAR

WEAPON.

THAT'S A RED LINE FOR US.

>> Jon: YOU DO NOT WANT TO

CROSS ONE OF OUR RED LINES.

WE LAY ONE RED LINE DOWN IT'S

UNCROSSABLE.

>> THE UNITED STATES WILL NOT

TOLERATE THE BLOCKING OF THE

STRAITS OF HORMUZ.

THAT'S ANOTHER RED LINE FOR US.

>> Jon: OKAY TWO.

YOU GET TWO RED LINES.

ONE MORE AND WE'LL DRAW A BLUE

CIRCLE AROUND YOU SO FAST.

I'LL GRANT YOU THAT THEY ARE NOT

GREAT WITH THE TOUGH TALK BUT HE

MIGHT NOT BE AROUND FOR MUCH

LONGER.

THERE'S AN ELECTION GOING ON

HERE.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT LIKE YOU, WE

DON'T KEEP THESE GUYS FOREVER.

AND THE GUYS WHO ARE LOOKING TO

TAKE OBAMA'S PLACE, THEY ARE NOT

ALL COOL BLACK GUYS WHO SMOKE

CIGARETTE AND DRAW LINES.

>> IRAN MUST NOT GET A NUCLEAR

WEAPON AND WE'LL GO ABOUT

WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE SURE

IT HAPPENS.

>> THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

IS WILLING IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS

IF NECESSARY TO KEEP THEM FRYING

A NUCLEAR WEAPON.

>> WE COULD BREAK THE REGIME

WITHIN A YEAR.

>> I WOULD SEND TROOPS BACK INTO

IRAQ.

>> Jon: THAT'S HOW CRAZY THESE

(bleep) GUYS ARE.

THEY'LL BOOM BOMB YOU, THE

COUNTRY WE GOT OUT OF.

IF THERE'S AN IRA WE'RE BOMBING

IT.

WE DON'T CARE WHAT LETTER IT END

THES WITH!

THIS IS HOW MUCH THE NEW GUYS

HATE THE IDEA OF YOU DEVELOPING

NUKES.

>> THERE'S SCIENTISTS TURN UP

DEAD IN RUSSIA AND IRAN.

THERE'S BEEN COMPUTER VIRUSES,

PROBLEMS AT THEIR FACILITY.

THE HOPE THAT THE UNITED STATES

HAS BEEN INVOLVED WITH THAT.

>> Jon: DID YOU SEE THAT?

THAT IS A CANDIDATE FOR A MAJOR

POLITICAL PARTY EXPRESSING HIS

HOPE THAT WE'RE SECRETLY

MURDERING YOUR SCIENTISTS.

BY THE WAY, THAT DUDE SANTORUM

THAT IS WHAT WE CALL IN THIS

COUNTRY PROLIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE ONLY GUY WHOP -- WHO WON'T

BOMB YOU IS RON PAUL AND BELIEVE

THEY

ME THEY ARE GOING TO DO

EVERYTHING THEY CANNOT TO LET

THAT GUY WIN.

IRAN KEEP THIS US, I WOULDN'T BE

SURPRISED IF OBAMA HAS TO BOMB

YOU HIMSELF TO KEEP THESE OTHER

GUYS FROM CALLING HIM CHICKEN

(bleep).

AMERICANS DON'T HATE YOU AND I

HOPE IRANIANS DON'T WANT US BUT

IF YOU REALLY WANT A WAR

(bleep) WITH AMERICA DURING

ELECTION SEASON.

GET IN BETWEEN SEVEN POWERFUL

MEN AND HAVE A CHANCE TO HAVE AN

OFFICER WITH NO CORNERS AND

POWER TO 24 HOURS A DAY PICK

YOU PHONE AND ANY (bleep) SAND

WIHCH THEY WANT.

THERE ISN'T

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