Appholes

  • Aired:  04/28/10
  •  | Views: 1,006,116

Microsoft was supposed to be the evil one, but now Apple is busting down doors in Palo Alto while Bill Gates rids the world of mosquitoes. (8:41)

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

WE'VE GOT A BARN BURNER OF A SHOW TONIGHT.

KEN BLACKWELL WILL BE JOINING US THE AUTHOR OF "THE BLUEPRINT:

OBAMA'S PLAN TO SUBVERT THE CONSTITUTION AND BUILD AN IMPERIAL PRESIDENCY."

I THINK THE ENTIRE INTERVIEW WILL BE ON THE WEB SITE.

I THINK IT'S GOING TO GO LONG.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE PROGRAM.

I DON'T.

I THINK IT'S CRASS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE DON'T DO A LOT OF PRODUCT ENDORSEMENTS ON THE PROGRAM.

THERE'S NO OFFICIAL VEHICLE OF THE "THE DAILY SHOW".

WE DON'T KAZ YULLY SIP SPECIFICALLY BRAND SODA POP ALA AMERICAN IDOL.

I HAVE OCCASIONALLY MENTIONED THE PRODUCT BACONAISE BUT ONLY TO SUGGEST MY TONGUE HAD TAKEN A

(bleep) IN MY MOUTH.

>> WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WOULD USE IN THE TIMES SQUARE BILLBOARD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT THEY --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-- IT WAS SURPRISING.

VERY SURPRISING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

A PITHY SLOGAN IS A PITHY SLOGAN.

I'M GOING TO SAY THIS TO YOU: I LIKE APPLE PRODUCTS.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR PIE OR TINIS.

I'M TALKING ABOUT ELECTRONICS.

EVERY TIME THEY COME OUT WITH SOMETHING NEW I GET IT.

I HAVE THE MAC BOOK.

I HAVE ONE OF THOSE THINGS THERE.

I iPHONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GOT THE iPHONE AND THEN THE BIGGER iPHONE THAT DOESN'T MAKE CALLS.

YOU ARE LIKE HELLO, HELLO?

I'VE BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT CAN SOMEONE HELP ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I ACTUALLY JUST USE IT TO PRETEND TO MY CHILDREN THAT I'M SHRINKING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT -- IT FREAKS THEM OUT.

I'VE BEEN A FAITHFUL APPLE CUSTOMER SINCE THE EARLY 80s WITH THE APPLE II COMPUTER.

OH, YOU NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE.

YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW EXCITED I WAS WHEN I READ THAT THE TECH BLOG GIZMODO HAD GOTTEN THEIR

HANDS ON A PROTOTYPE OF THE NEW INN PHONE OUT THIS SUMMER.

MAN THIS THING LOOKS SO COOL.

TOTALLY MAKES MY OLD iPHONE OBSOLETE.

LITERALLY.

KIND OF THEIR BUSINESS MODEL ACTUALLY.

ANYWAY, HOW DID A TECH BLOG LIKE GIZMODO GET SUCH A CLOSELY GUARDED SECRET PROTOTYPE SIX

MONTHS BEFORE ITS RELEASE.

>> THE TECH SITE THAT PAID $5,000 TO BUY AN iPHONE PROTOTYPE AN EMPLOYEE MISTAKENLY

LEFT AT A BAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: I'M NO ANGELA HRAPBZBURY BUT HERE IS HOW I THINK THE CRIME WENT DOWN.

8:00 P.M. NERD LINGTOWN J. TECH SUPPORT TPWHAOUBGD A BAR HOPING TO SCORE LADIES WITH SOME MOVES

HE PICKED UP FROM VH-1 MYSTERY.

HELLO LADIES I'M PRETENDING NOT TO NOTICE, LET'S ME TAKE THIS

CALL ON MY iPHONE AND HAVE A SIP.

I'M SO DRUNK WITH THE VOMITTING AND THE -- I'M DRUNK.

DRIVE ME HOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND SCENE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THE GUY FROM GIZMODO SOMEHOW ENDS UP WITH THE PHONE.

APPLE SAYS WE DON'T CARE IT'S NOT A REAL PROTOTYPE ANYWAY.

THE GIZMODO GIVES IT THE VIDEO TICK PROSTRATE EXAM UNTIL APPLE SAYS ALL RIGHT IT'S THE PHONE.

GIVE US BACK THE PROTOTYPE PHONE AND AT THAT POINT GIZMODO GUY GIVES THEM BACK THE PHONE.

THE STORY ENDS RED TEAM ALPHA,

SWARM?

>> A HIGH TECH CRIME INVESTIGATION TEAM GOES TO THIS GUY'S HOUSE, HAS A SEARCH

WARRANT AND RAIDS IT.

THE OFFICERS BASHED INTO HIS FRONT DOOR WHILE HE WAS AT DINNER.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: THE COPS HAD TO BASH IN THE GUY'S DOOR?

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T THEY KNOW THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO THE GIZMODO REVIEWER GETS THE METH LAB IN THE BASEMENT TREATMENT AFTER HE HAD ALREADY

GIVEN THE PHONE BACK BUT I GUESS EVERYTHING WAS OKAY WITH THE GUY WHO FOUND THE PHONE IN THE FIRST

PLACE, RIGHT?

>> WIRE.COM IS REPORTING THAT PEOPLE CLAIMING TO REPRESENT APPLE SHOWED AT THE FINDER'S

ADDRESS AND ASKED TO SEARCH THE PREMISES.

>> Jon: THAT IS CREEPY BUT THE THING ABOUT APPLE COPS THEY HAVE THE COOLEST TASERS.

I MEAN.

FORTUNATELY THEY ONLY WORK WITH APPLE'S ELECTRICITY BUT -- SORRY THIS WHOLE THING SOUGHT OF CONTROL.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

GOD, APPLE, CAMERA 3.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU GUYS, RIGHT?

I LOVE YOUR PRODUCTS.

USE THEM ALL THE TIME.

I EVEN LOVE YOUR STORES.

SO FUTURISTIC THEY LOOK LIKE FUTURISTIC SWEDISH HOSPITALS THE KIND WHERE THEY KEEP YOUR CLONE

IN THE BACK TO REPLACE YOUR ORGANS WHEN YOU NEED IT AND WHERE TECHNO MUSIC COVERS THE

SCREENS OF THOSESS WHO HAND CRYSTALS HAVE STARTING GLOWING.

APPLE YOU WERE THE REBELS, THE UNDERDOGS, PEOPLE BELIEVED IN YOU.

ARE YOU BECOME THE MAN?

REMEMBER BACK IN 1984 YOU HAD THE AWESOME ADS ABOUT OVERTHROWING BIG BROTHER?

>> ON JANUARY 24, APPLE COMPUTER WILL INTRODUCE MACKISH TOSH.

>> Jon: LOOK IN THE MIRROR,

MAN.

OR ACTUALLY JUST LOOK INTO THE SCREEN OF YOUR iPAD BEFORE YOU TURN IT ON.

IT'S SURPRISINGLY REFLECTIVE.

IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.

MICROSOFT WAS SUPPOSED TO BET EVIL ONE.

BUT YOU ARE BUSTING DOWN DOORS IN PALO ALTO WHERE GATES IS RIDDING THE WORD OF MOSQUITOES.

WHAT THE (bleep) IS GOING ON?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S ALL MIXED UP.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH END IS UP ANYMORE.

I KNOW THAT IT IS SLIGHTLY AGITATING THAT A BLOG DEDICATED TO TECHNOLOGY PUBLISHED ALL THAT

STUFF ABOUT YOUR NEW PHONE AND YOU DIDN'T ORDER THE POLICE TO BUST DOWN THEIR DOORS, RIGHT?

I'D HAVE BEEN PISSED, TOO.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO MINORITY REPORT ON HIS ASS.

IF YOU WANT TO BREAK DOWN SOMEONE'S DOOR WHY DON'T YOU START WITH AT&T FOR GOD SAKES

THEY MAKE YOUR AMAZING PHONE UNS USABLE AS A PHONE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN SERIOUSLY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW DO YOU DROP FOUR CALLS IN A ONE MILE STRETCH OF WEST SIDE HIGHWAY WITH NO BUILDING AROUND?

WHAT IS THE OPEN SPACE CONFUSE AT&T'S SIGNIFICANT IN -- SIGNAL?

I WANTED TO KICK IN PAUL McCARTNEY'S DOOR FOR NOT LETTING US BUY BEATLES SONGS ON

iTUNES AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT ASK HIM ABOUT EBONY AND IVORY WHAT THE (bleep) WAS THAT?

COME ON, STEVE DON'T GO HOWARD HUGHES ON US.

WE DON'T WANT TO PICTURE YOU HOLED UP IN A HOTEL PEEING IN MASON JARS DESIGNING A TOUCH

SCREEN YOU'LL USE ONCE.

IT'S THE NEW iSPRUCE.

I'M TELLING YOU, THERE'S -- THIS IS IMPORTANT, MAN.

BELIEVE ME.

I'M TAKING A BIG CHANCE HERE.

THIS IS MY AUDIENCE.

THIS IS WAY MORE EXPLOSIVE THAN PUTTING MOHAMMED IN A BIKINI TO MY AUDIENCE.

ANYWAY, CHILL, BABY.

YOU KNOW THAT NEW iPHONE WITH THE FRONT FACING CAMERA AND VIDEO CHAT?

COULD YOU SEND ME ONE OF THOSE||||

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