Stephen Colbert Says Goodbye

  • Aired:  04/23/14
  •  | Views: 612,611

Stephen Colbert visits the news desk to announce his plans after winning television. (4:48)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THESHOW.

NOW --[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-- WE HAD A LITTLE FUN THE FIRSTACT BUT THE SECOND ACT IS

WHERE IT REALLY GETSGOING. IT'S NOT OFTEN WE GET TO

DELVE INTO THE MINUTIAE OF

A FISCAL YEAR BUDGET RESOLUTION.BUT TONIGHT THAT IS EXACTLY

WHAT WE'RE DOING. FOR THE NEXTTEN MINUTES WE'RE GOING TO--

>> Stephen: HELLO, JON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: STEPHEN COLBERT, WHATARE YOU -- OH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> Stephen: JON, I HAVE SOMETERRIBLE NEWS.

YOU BETTER SIT DOWN.

>> Jon: STEPHEN, I'M SITTINGDOWN. THERE'S HARDLY EVER A TIME

WHERE I'M REALLY NOT SITTINGDOWN ON THIS SHOW SO --

>> Stephen: WELL JON, IS THEREANY WAY YOU COULD SIT MORE?

JON THIS IS GOING TO COME ASSOMETHING AS A SHOCK TO YOU.

>> Jon: YOU ARE ENDING YOURSHOW.

>> Stephen: JON, PLEASE I'MENDING MY SHOW.

I HAVE TO, JON.

DON'T BEG ME TO STAY.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> Stephen: YOU SEE, THERE'SNO MOUNTAIN LEFT FOR ME TO

CLIMB.

IT'S BECOME CLEAR TO ME THAT IHAVE WON TELEVISION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]AT THIS POINT --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]JON, JON, AT THIS POINT I'M JUST

RUNNING UP THE SCORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]>> Jon: IT'S OBVIOUSLY, IT'S NOT

REALLY A CONTEST.

>> Stephen: NOT ANYMORE, JON.BECAUSE

YOU SEE, JON ALMOST NINE YEARSAGO I PROMISED TO CHANGE THE

WORLD, AND TOGETHER I DID IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]>> Jon: SO --

>> Stephen: SO, I DON'T KNOW,JON.

I'M A FREE MAN NOW.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT -- I'LL GOWHEREVER THE WIND TAKES ME, JON.

MAYBE RIDE THE RAILS.

LIVE BOXCAR TO BOXCAR.

LEARN HOW TO WHIP UP A HEARTYSTEW FROM PEANUT SHELLS AND A

STOLEN CHICKEN.

SURE, I KNOW IT DOESN'T SOUNDLIKE MUCH, JON BUT IT'S A KING'S

FEAST TO ME AND MY COMPANIONS.

BISCUIT, THE WILY MOUSE THATLIVES IN MY WEE POCKET.

AND ANNABELLE THE ONE EYEDPROSTITUTE WHO HAS A HEART OF

GOLD.

AND DON'T YOU DARE CALL HER AWHORE, JON.

>> Jon: I WASN'T SAYINGANYTHING.

STEPHEN, YOU HAVE A GIFT. WHYDON'T YOU STAY IN TELEVISION?

I HEARD THIS DAVID LETTERMAN ISRETIRING.

>> Stephen: YEAH I HEARD THAT,TOO, JON BUT THEY ALREADY GAVE

THE PART TO SOME FAT GUY.

TIMING SHE'S A CRUEL MISTRESS.

>> Jon: SHE IS. BUT DON'T SAYFAT.

PEAR SHAPED. THAT'S ALL. HE'SGOT --

>> Stephen: DON'T BE KIND TOHIM, JON.

I'VE SEEN THE PHOTOS.

>> Jon: NO, THEY ARE CALLEDBIRTHING HIPS. THEY'RE FINE.

STEPHEN, WELL THANKS FOR COMINGBY. I WISH YOU AND BISCUIT,

BISCUIT IS IT?

>> Stephen: IT WAS BISCUIT, JON,IN ME WEE POCKET.

>> Jon: IN YOUR WEE POCEKT. IWISH YOU BOTH AND THE ONE EYED

WOMAN, I WISH YOU ALLTHE BEST OF LUCK. I REALLY DO.

>> Stephen: HOLD BACK THETEARS, JON.

>> Jon: OK.>> Stephen: YOU'LL BE FINE.

> Jon: THANKS FOR COMING.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, JON, NOWTHAT YOU MENTION IT, THERE'S

SOMETHING I WOULD APPRECIATE ASA PARTING GIFT.

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES"THE DAILY SHOW" YOU GUYS PUT

TOGETHER A LITTLE HIGHLIGHTREEL?

>> Jon: SURE, WE JUST DID ONEFOR YOUNG JOHN OLIVER.

>> Stephen: YEAH, I SAW THAT.BUT JON, YOU NEVER DID ONE FORME.

>> Stephen: YOU NEVER LEFT.

YOU WENT TO 11:30.YOU ARE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE RIGHT, JON.YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT PROBABLY WASN'TTHAT IMPORTANT TO ME.

>> Jon: WE'LL PUT SOMETHINGTOGETHER, STEPHEN. WE'LL PUT

SOMETHING TOGETHER. WE'LL DOSOME OF YOUR BEST MOMENTS.

>> Stephen: DON'T TROUBLEYOURSELF, JON.

I ALREADY DID.

IT'S STEAMY IN HERE RIGHT NOW.YOU COULD PUT SOME FLOUR AND

YEAST IN MY PANTS AND PULL OUT APARMESEAN BAGUETTE.

MY FATHER WAS A POOR VIRGINIANTURD MINER.

THESE ARE THE GOATEES OFFREEDOM.

FACT BECOMES IRRELEVANT. TRUTHBECOMES FICTION.

KNOWLEDGE BECOMES IGNORANCE.NIGHT BECOMES DAY.

CHAOS REIGNS.

TAXI!

FOR LO!

I WIN! I WIN!

I WIN!

MY FATHER'S FATHER WAS A GOATBALL LICKER.

TO RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH YOURRAVEN HAIR TO TOUCH YOUR MILK

WHITE SKIN.

[LAUGHTER][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: WELL JON, I'M REALLYGOING TO MISS ME.

>> Jon: AND WE ARE TOO,MY FRIEND. GODSPEED.

STEPHEN COLBERT, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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