Absolve and Report

  • Aired:  03/31/14
  •  | Views: 103,153

Governor Chris Christie expresses relief that the investigation he himself commissioned exonerates him of all wrongdoing in the Bridgegate scandal. (5:06)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

GOOD PROGRAM FOR YOU TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHO IS ON THE PROGRAMTONIGHT?

YOU'LL BE DELIGHTED ABOUT THIS.

ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT --[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-- THANK YOU.

PETER DINKLAGE FROM THE HIT HBOSHOW GIRLS OR GAME OF THRONES OR

ONE OF THEM.

IT'S ALL NUDITY TO ME.

FIRST THERE'S BEEN A VERY BIGDEVELOPMENT IN THE CHRIS

CHRISTIE BRIDGE-GATESCANDAL.

>> RESULTS OF THE INVESTIGATIONCOMMISSIONED BY THE

NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR CHRISCHRISTIE INTO THE BRIDGE-GATE

SCANDAL HAVE BEENRELEASED TODAY.

>> Jon: I WONDER WHAT THERESULTS WILL BE OF THE

INVESTIGATION THAT CHRISCHRISTIE HIMSELF COMMISSIONED.

[LAUGHTER]PERHAPS I'LL READ ABOUT IT IN

THIS SCANDAL'S PAPER OF RECORDTHE CHRISTIE

SUN-TIMES-PICAYUNE.

BUT OBVIOUSLY I HAVEN'T SEEN THEREPORT.

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

>> SO THIS REPORT HAS JUST COMEOUT.

IT EXONERATES YOU COMPLETELY.

DO YOU FEEL EXONERATED?

>> Jon: IT BETTER.

IT COST ME $1 MILLION (bleep)DOLLARS AND BY ME I MEAN YOU IF

YOU ARE A NEW JERSEY TAXPAYER.

ANYWAY.

STRONGER THAN THE STORM CHRISTIE2012.

SERIOUSLY GOVERNOR CHRISTIE YOUFEEL EXONERATED?

>> YEAH, I DO BUT I ALWAYS KNEWTHAT THIS IS WHERE IT WOULD END.

>> Jon: WE KNOW.

YOU AIN'T NOSTRADAMUS. YOU KNOW,MEGYN MONTHS AGO

I VISITED AN ORACLE WHO KILLED AGOAT, READ THE ENTRAILS AND SAW

A VISION THAT MY HAND PICKEDLEGAL TEAM WOULD WRITE A REPORT

EXONERATING ME FROM ALLWRONGDOING. BY THE WAY IF

CHRISTIE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FORTHIS BRIDGE-GATE WHO IS?

>> THE INTERNAL REVIEW HEAPEDALL THE BLAME FOR SHUTTING DOWN

LANES ON FORMER PORT AUTHORITYOFFICIAL DAVID WILDSTEIN AND

CHRISTIE'S FORMER TOP AIDEBRIDGET ANNE KELLY.

>> THEY SAID QUOTE -- THIS ISABOUT BRIDGET KELLY -- SHE

SEEMED EMOTIONAL. SHE WASHABITUALLY CONCERNED

ABOUT HOW SHE WAS PERCEIVED BYBY THE GOVERNOR. A BOYFRIEND HAD

ENDED A RELATIONSHIP, PORTRAYINGMS. KELLY AS DUPLICITOUS,

WEEPING FREQUENTLY AND DEPENDENTON MEN FOR APPROVAL STABILITY.

>> Jon: THAT ALSO EXPLAINSVERY CLEARLY WHY THE

OFFICIAL REPORT WAS TITLEDBITCHES BE CRAZY, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]WAIT A MINUTE!

HOW DID THAT #GET ON THERE?

[LAUGHTER]DAMN YOU, INTERNET!

WORKED SO QUICKLY.

SO CASE CLOSED.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

>> CHRIS CHRISTIE GOT HIS MOJOBACK.

>> MOJO, SWAGGER.

>> HIS MOJO IS BACK.

HE IS BACK.

>> IT'S THE OLD CHRISTIE.IT'S THE MOJO CHRISTIE.

>> Jon: CHRISTIE HAS GONEFROM BEING A DESERT OF MOJO TO A

VERITABLE MOJO-ASIS.

AS YOU CAN SEE ON THIS JERSEYREGION MOJO-METER. AS YOU CAN

SEE IN DECEMBER CHRISTIE WASBARELY AT SITS QUIETLY AT A JETS

GAME BUT NOW HE IS UP TO WEARS ATRACK SUIT TO A FUNERAL.

[LAUGHTER]ALL RIGHT.

HE HAS HIS GROOVE BACK.

DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO GO TOJAMAICAAND FALL IN

LOVE WITH TAYE DIGGS.HEY, GIRLFRIEND.

SO WITH CHRISTIES'S CAMPAIGNBACK IN GEAR THE GOVERNOR DID

WHAT ANYBODY ON A HOT STREAKAND WITHIN DRIVING

DISTANCE OF ATLANTIC CITY WOULDDO.

HE WENT TO LAS VEGAS.

>> THE REPUBLICANS GOVERNORS AREHEADING WEST TO LAS VEGAS.

THEY ARE SPEAKING AT THE SPRINGMEETING AT THE REPUBLICAN JEWISH

COALITION BUT MORE IMPORTANTTHEIR PRIVATE TALKS WITH ONE

MAN REPUBLICAN SUPER DONORSHELDON ADLESON.

WHY WOULD CHRISTIE GO TOVEGAS TO IMPRESS A GUY WHOSE

JEOPARDY INTRO WOULDBE AN ULTRA ZIONIST WHO MAKES

MOST OF HIS MONEY OFFGAMBLING ADDICTS IN MACAU.

>> SHELDON ADELSON THEGOP SUPER DONOR WHO GAVE MORE

THAN $90 MILLION IN ANATTEMPT TO STOP BARACK OBAMA'S

REELECTION IN 2012.

>> IN 2012 THE NEWT GINGRICHCAMPAIGN GOT $15 MILLION FROM

ADLESON, MITT ROMNEY GOT $30MILLION.

>> Jon: OH, RIGHT HE THROWSMILLIONS OF DOLLARS AWAY ON

POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS FROMHIS TRICKED OUT SCOOTER.

[LAUGHTER]I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE REMOJOED

GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY TO TAKEHIS FAMOUS STRAIGHT HONEST TALK

TO VEGAS TO SPEAK TRUTH TOMONEY.

>> NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR CHRISCHRISTIE APOLOGIZING.

>> Jon: WHAT?

CHRISTIE DOESN'T APOLOGIZE.

WHAT IS HE APOLOGIZING FOR KICKADLESON'S ASS?

WHAT IS HE ACTUALLY APOLOGIZINGFOR?

>> APOLOGIZING FOR REFERRING TOTHE WEST BANK AS OCCUPIED

TERITORIES WHILE SPEAKING AT THEREPUBLICAN JEWISH COALITION.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD HE DIDWHAT?

BECAUSE ONLY AN ULTRA LEFT WINGPEACENIK LOSER WOULD REFER TO

THAT AREA OF THE WEST BANK ASTHE OCCUPIED TERRITORIES.

>> ISRAEL MUST STOP SETTLEMENTACTIVITY IN THE OCCUPIED

TERRITORIES.

>> Jon: GET A JOB, HIPPY.

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