Things May Be Bad, But at Least We Can't Chew Our Air

  • Aired:  01/24/13
  •  | Views: 48,828

America's stagnant economy and unhealthy school lunches don't look so bad when compared with China's hazardous, record-high air pollution levels. (5:19)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OBVIOUSLY, AMERICA IS GOING THROUGH A TOUGH TIME.

WE'RE A NATION IN DECLINE.

THE AMERICAN CENTURY IS OVER.

OH, WE HAD TOILET PAPER STUCK TO OUR SHOES SINCE 2005 AND NOBODY BOTHERED TO TELL US.

IT COULD EVEN LEAVE SOME OF OUR YOUNG PEOPLE FEELING HOPELESS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

END UP DRESSING IN BLACK AND WRITING IN A NOTEBOOK ALL THE TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT RHYMES WITH HENRI?

THIS COUNTRY ISN'T HOPELESS ESPECIALLY COMPARED TO CHINA.

WHILE WE'RE SUCK FUNYON DUST AND GOING BROKE IT SEEMS LIKE CHINA HAS IT ALL, A GROWING ECONOMY

AND SO MANY PANDAS THEY HAVE BEEN FORCED TO A TWO PANDA POLICY.

FROM NOW ON IN CHINA, THIS IS TRUE, ONLY TWO PANDAS PER FAMILY.

THE PLACE IS JUST RIPE WITH (bleep) PANDAS.

GUESS WHAT?

THE GRASS ISN'T ALWAYS GREENER.

>> IN CHINA, HAZARDOUS RECORD HIGH POLLUTION LEVELS IN BEIJING HAVE PROMPTED AN ORANGE FOG WARNING.

>> Jon: THIS BRINGS US TO THE NEW SEGMENT THINGS MAY BE BAD BUT AT LEAST WE CAN'T CHEW OUR AIR.

UNEMPLOYMENT IS NOT COMING DOWN, THE ECONOMY IS STAGNANT.

LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

>> JUST BEING OUTSIDE CAN MAKE EYES ITCH AND THROATS BURN.

>> ONE EXPERT TOLD ME IT'S BECOMING AN INSTANT MOTOR VEHICLER.

>> Jon: S OH, MY GOD, A BILLION INSTANT SMOKERS.

HOW MANY MARLBORO MILES COULD THEY GET?

THINK OF CHINA AS A WHEEZING SMOKER.

>> ARE YOU EXPECTED TO TALK.

>> Jon: SO, MR. BOND, I EXPECT YOU TO -- BRB CLEARING THROAT] I

[CLEARING THROAT]

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHERE WERE WE, MR. BOND?

SORRY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WERE SO GRIDLOCKED THE SENATE CAN'T REFORM THE FILIBUSTER.

STOP.

>> WASH WE WIPE A THIN LAYER THAT ACCUMULATED ON MOST CARS.

THAT IS SOOT AND GRIME.

THIS IS MY OWN AIR PURIFIER, WATCH.

THIS THAT'S WHAT WE'RE BREATHING IN BEIJING.

>> Jon: DON'T WIPE THAT AWAY.

THE CHINESE CHARACTER FOR WASH ME IS THE SAME AS THE CHARACTER FOR EM IF A -- EMPHYSEMA.

CHINA HAS BAD AIR, BUT OUR SCHOOL LUNCHES SHOULD BE HEALTHIER.

NO IMAGERY WHINING AUDIENCE MEMBER YOU DON'T GET IT.

>> A FACTORY FIRE WENT UNNOTICED FOR THREE HOURS BECAUSE IT MIXED RIGHT IN WITH THE SMOG.

>> Jon: THREE-HOUR FIRE, NO ONE KNEW.

THE ONLY REASON THEY NOTICED, SOMEONE WONDERING WHY BILLOWING CLOUDS OF FRESH AIR WERE RISING.

DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH WORST SITUATION IS IN CHINA THAN AMERICA?

DOES EVERYBODY UNDERSTAND THAT?

>> EXCUSE ME, JON?

>> Jon: WHAT IS THAT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WEIRD.

IT'S RENOWNED ASTRO FIZZISTS PHYSICIST -- I FORGOT YOU WERE STAYING IN THE STUDIO WHILE THEY

SPRAY YOUR APARTMENT FOR BED BUGS.

TRYING TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND -- I OVERHEARD YOU SNEAK SPEAKING, I'M TRYING TO WRAP MY HEAD

AROUND THE MAGNITUDE OF CHINESE POLLUTION PROBLEM.

COULD YOU HELP ME OUT.

>> Jon: EXPLAIN IT IN TERMS YOU UNDERSTAND.

>> YES.

>> Jon: TRY THIS.

>> THE RECORD AIR POLLUTION IN CHINA HAS GOTTEN SO BAD THE THICK SMOG COULD BE SEEN NOW

FROM SPACE.

>> SPACE?

>> Jon: YES!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THAT EXPLAINS THE NOXIOUS CLOUD THAT HAS BEEN DISRUPTING MY LASER TARGETING SYSTEM OF MY

SPACE LASER.

>> Jon: YOU HAVE A SPACE LASER?

>> NO, NO.

BING.

THAT'S MY HOT POCKETS.

GOTTA GO EAT THEM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: I THINK HE HAS A SPACE LASER BUT NO NAIR.

SEE THOSE LEGS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

REMEMBER, AMERICA, THINGS MAY BE BAD BUT AT LEAST WE CAN'T CHEW OUR AIR.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THINGS MAY BE BAD, BUT AT LEAST WE'RE NOT RULED BY A CRAZY

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