The Empire Takes Back - It Could Happen Here

  • Aired:  04/09/14
  •  | Views: 43,674

After visiting Brighton Beach, a New York neighborhood with a large population of ethnic Russians, Samantha Bee determines that Putin plans to invade America. (4:38)

[ LAUGHTER ]VLADMIR PUTIN SEEMS POISED TO

ABSORB UKRAINE'S ENTIRE RUSSIANPOPULATION.

BUT WHO'S IS TO SAY HE'LL STOPTHERE. OUR OWN SAMANTHA BEE

INVESTIGATES RUSSIA'S NEXTPOSSIBLE STOP.

>> VLADMIR PUTIN ANNEXTATIONOF CRIMEA SHOCKED THE WORLD AND

FOREIGN POLICY NERDS LIKE ANDREWWEISS ARE CONCERNED THAT RUSSIA

WILL CONTINUE TO ILLEGALLYEXPAND ITS BORDERS.

>> WE'VE BASICALLY SEEN ONLYTHE BEGINNING OF RUSSIA'S MUSCLE

MOVEMENTS HERE. RUSSIA HAS ALOT OF ARROWS IN THE QUIVER.

IT'S QUITE SCARY.

>> WHO IS IT MOST SCARY FOR?

>> THE COUNTRIES THAT ARE SCAREDARE THE ONES THAT ARE IN THE

NEIGHBORHOOD. KAZAKHSTANAND THE CAUCUSES.

THEY HAVE LARGE ETHNIC RUSSIANPOPULATIONS..

>> OK I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OFTHOSE COUNTRIES BECAUSE THEY ARE

KIND OF LIKE THE SAME TO ME.

WHAT ABOUT OUR COUNTRY?

SHOULD WE BE AFRAID?

>> I THINK THE MOST TROUBLINGPART IS WE DON'T KNOW WHAT PUTIN

WANTS. HE SAYS "I'MDEFENDING ETHNIC RUSSIANS."

THEY COULD BE ANY ANYWHERE.

>> WHAT I'M HEARING IS IT COULDHAPPEN HERE.

>> NO WAY.

>> OK, YOU DON'T THINK IT'SPOSSIBLE? GIVE ME SOME ODDS.

>> I THINK WE'RE TALKING ABOUTASTROID HITTING THE EARTH ODDS.

SO ONE IN A COUPLE TRILLION.

>> SO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IS, ITCOULD HAPPEN HERE.

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

>> OK, YOU ALREADY GAVE ME THEODDS.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BACK.

TOO LATE, GO TO THE PACKAGE.

>> IT COULD HAPPEN HERE.

>> SO I HEADED TO WHERE PUTINIS MOST LIKELY TO INVADE NEXT, A

FAR AWAY PLACE WHERE RUSSIANLANGUAGE AND TRADITIONS DOMINATE

THE LOCAL CULTURE.

A TERRIFIED NEIGHBORHOOD CALLEDBRIGHTON BEACH BROOKLYN,

AMERICA.

SKEPTICAL?

WELL, THEN LET'S EXAMINE THEPARALLELS BETWEEN CRIMEA AND

BRIGHTON BEACH.

WHY WAS CRIMEA RIPE FOR THEPICKING?

>> THE MAIN ISSUES WAS THEPEOPLE OF CRIMEA DON'T LIKE LIKE

THE PEOPLE OF THE RESTUKRAINE. A LOT OF THEM BASICALLY

SEE THEMSELVES AS EX-SOVIET ORRUSSIANS CULTURALLY.

>> OKAY.

SO LET'S SEE IF THE PEOPLE OFBRIGHTON BEACH ARE TRULY

RUSSIAN.

CREEPY SOVIET VIBE, CHECK.

RUSSIAN STYLE LEISURE.

IS THIS YOUR VERSION OFSUNBATHING? CHECK.

TRADITIONAL RUSSIAN ATTIRE?

OF COURSE.

STRONG SENSE OF RUSSIANNESS?

>> SHOW OF HANDS, WHO HERECONSIDERS THEMSELVES TO BE

ETHNICALLY RUSSIAN.

OH, MY OKAY.

DRIPPING WET BALLS.

I'M AFRAID SO.

BUT DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE THATUNIQUELY RUSSIAN JE NE SAIS

QUOI?

GIVE ME YOUR BEST AND MOSTBEAUTIFUL RUSSIAN SMILE.

[ LAUGHTER ]SHOW ME YOUR BIGGEST, BRIGHTEST

RUSSIAN SMILE. LIFT THE CORNERSOF YOUR MOUTH.

JUST LIFT THE CORNERS OF YOURMOUTH INTO A SMILE.

[ LAUGHTER ]I DARE YOU TO (bleep) LOOK AT

THIS VIDEO AND NOT SMILE.

UGH WHAT KIND OF MONSTER AREYOU?

NOTHING COULD MAKE THESE PEOPLESMILE.

SHOW ME THE SMILE ON YOUR FACEWHEN YOU FIRST FOUND OUT THAT

PUTIN ILLEGALLY ANNEXED CRIMEA.

OH, THERE IT IS.

THERE IT IS.

I KNEW IT.

>> EXCEPT FOR THAT.

WE'RE SO GETTING INVADED.

>> OK I WAS JUST IN BRIGHTONBEACH.

AND IT CAN HAPPEN HERE IT COULDHAPPEN HERE. NO CUT THAT (bleep)

OUT. SERIOUSLY IT COULD HAPPENHERE.

>> I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TOHAPPEN HERE.

PUTIN KEEPS SAYING THAT PEOPLEIN UKRAINE ARE UNDER THE THREAT

OF NEO-NAZI MOBS HUNTINGDOWN ETHIC RUSSIANS.

AND THAT CREATED A PREDICATE FORMILITARY ACTION IN CRIMEA.

>> CRIMEA HAS MARAUDING GROUPSOF GUYS SCARING LOCAL RUSSIANS

BUT THERE'S PROBABLY NOTHINGLIKE THAT IN BRIGHTON BEACH.

>> ALL WINTER, ALL WINTER

THEY SITTING HERE.

>> WHO? >> THE GUYS.

>> THEY COME AND PEOPLE

THEY DRINK VODKA HERE. THISIS NO GOOD.

>> VODKA, VODKA AND THENGOING PEE PEE.

>> THEY DOING THE VODKA.THEY'RE GOING PEE PEEEVERYWHERE.

>> THEY FIGHT. YEAH. PEE PEE INTHE ROAD.

>> ALL OVER THE PLACE.

>> (bleep) IT IS HAPPENINGHERE.

>> IT'S NOT HAPPENING HERE.

PUTIN IS NOT MOVING INTOBROOKLYN.

>> THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

AND THEN THEY COME FOR YOU INTHEIR GODDAMN NEON SPEEDOS.

LEAVING ME ONLY ONE CHOICE: CONDITION MY BODY, LEARN THEIR

CUSTOMS.

YOUR BEARD HAIR IS TICKLING ME ALITTLE BIT.

[LAUGHTER]AND DO MY BEST TO BLEND IN

HOPING THAT WHEN MY NEWOVERLORDS ARRIVE I'LL BE ON THE

RIGHT SIDE OF HISTORY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: SAM BEE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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