Stars War

  • Aired:  01/18/11
  •  | Views: 114,211

Jason Jones doesn't know what to do about his roaring lion tramp stamp after an extra sign is added to the zodiac calendar. (4:39)

IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE MILLIONS

OF AMERICANS WHO FOLLOW THEIR

DAILY HOROSCOPE, I'VE GOT SOME

BAD NEWS.

YOU MAY HAVE BEEN GETTING

BOGUS ADVICE.

THE ZODIAC CALENDAR HAS

CHANGED.

THAT MEANS ONE THING.

IT'S TIME FOR EVERY MORNING

SHOW TO USE THE EXACT SAME

INTRO SONG.

>> THOUGHT YOU WERE A LIBRA

♪ THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE

AGE... ♪♪

>> IS YOUR SIGN CHANGING

♪ THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF ♪♪

>> AQUARIUS.

>> Jon: I THOUGHT THAT WAS

TOTAL... I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT NONE OF

THESE SHOWS COULD COME UP WITH

ANOTHER SONG ABOUT HOROSCOPES

TO USE LIKE... LET'S BE A

LIBRA TONIGHT.

I'M TOO VIRGO FOR THIS SHOW.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M REALIZING WHY THEY ALL

WENT WITH IT.

THIS LATEST NEAR OWE COMES

COURTESY OF AN ASTRONOMER FROM

THE MINNESOTA PLANETARIUM

SOCIETY SEEN HERE HOLDING A

TINY UNIVERSE THAT HE IS THE

GOD OF.

YES, I AM YOUR LORD.

WHAT DID HIS RESEARCH FIND?

>> ASTRONOMERS RECALCULATED

THE DATES TAKING INTO ACCOUNT

THE EARTH'S POSITION IN

RELATION TO THE SUN.

THERE ARE NOW 13 SIGNS.

SCIENTISTS HAVE RESTORED THE

SIGN FROM THE ANCIENTS.

THEY HAD IT BEFORE BECAUSE

THEY DROP BECAUSE THEY NO

LONGER WANTED 13 SIGNS.

THEY DECIDED TWICE WAS BEST.

>> Jon: (BEEP) ANCIENTS TO

DECIDE TO DROP THE NUMBER 13.

I GUESS THAT IS THE SAME

PRINCIPLE THAT OTIS USES IN

NUMBERING FLOORS IN ELEVATORS.

GUESS WHAT THOUGH.

IT'S STILL THERE.

FOR MORE ON THIS WE'RE JOINED

BY SENIOR ZODIAC ANALYST

MR. JASON JONES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

JASON, SO THEY'VE DECIDED NOW

THERE WAS 13 SIGNS INSTEAD OF

12.

DOES THIS MATTER?

A CHANGE IN THE ZODIAC?

>> YES.

NO.

I DON'T KNOW, JON.

I HONESTLY, CAN I BE HONEST?

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE.

>> Jon: COME ON.

THIS DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

>> NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT CHANGES EVERYTHING.

>> Jon: JASON, YOUR LIFE IS

GREAT.

YOU'RE ON TELEVISION.

YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY.

A LOVING WIFE.

>> YES, YES, THE WRONG LOVING

WIFE.

I THOUGHT I WAS MARRYING A

PICES.

NOW WHO KNOWS WHAT (BEEP) SHE

IS.

>> Jon: I'M ASSUMING YOU

MARRIED HER OUT OF LOVE.

>> NO!

NO, I MARRIED HER BECAUSE SHE

AND I WERE COMPATIBLE.

OH, GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IF SHE TURNS OUT TO BE A

SAGITTARIUS.

THEY'RE WHORES, JON.

ALL OF THEM.

>> Jon: I'M A SAGITTARIUS.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S ACTUALLY

TRUE.

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT THIS WHOLE

AS TROLL GEE THING IS FAKE.

>> Jon: NO.

YES.

>> FOR SOME OF US IT IS A

CRUCIAL PIECE OF OUR IDENTITY.

NOW IT'S RUINED.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.

WHERE... WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO

DO WITH THIS?

LOOK AT THIS, JON.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THAT'S NOT COMING OFF.

>> Jon: I'M GOING TO ACTUALLY

HAVE TO GET THAT IMAGERY MOVED

BY LASER FROM MY BRAIN.

WHAT IS THAT THING?

>> IT IS A ROARING LION.

IT USED TO BE AWESOME AND SEXY

WHEN I WAS A LEO.

BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M A

CANCER.

NOW JUST WHAT'S WEIRD.

BUT SYMBOLISM.

>> Jon: I UNDERSTAND.

HOW, HOW, HOW?

>> I'LL TELL YOU.

I'M NOT GETTING THE WORST OF

IT HERE, OKAY.

IT COULD BE WORSE.

IBSD BE THE ZODIAC KILLER.

I MEAN, HE KILLED ALL THE

WRONG PEOPLE.

I MEAN, THAT GUY HAS EGG ALL

OVER HIS FACE.

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