Cut Punters

  • Aired:  04/29/13
  •  | Views: 109,048

Faced with sequester-exacerbated airline delays, Congress hand writes a bill to ease the budget cuts directly inconveniencing their vacations. (5:10)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE

IS JON STEWART.MY NAME

WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.

FROM "MAD MEN" JON HAMM WILL BE

JOINING US ON THE PROGRAM.

HE'S KOSHER FOR PAPS OVER, THAT

MAN.

LET ME SAY THIS-- LET'S BEGIN

TONIGHT WITH THE U.S. CONGRESS.

WE ALL KNOW THAT IF YOU LOOK UP

"CONGRESS" IN THE DICTIONARY, IT

SAYS, "DO NOT ( BLEEP ) TARREDS

WHO COULDN'T SOLVE THE PROBLEM

IF IT WAS EATING THEM ALIVE ANUS

FIRST ♪ ♪

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

HOLD ON.

I SHOULD MENTION I ONLY USE

URBAN DICTIONARIES.

BUT IT IS WHY THE DETRIMENTAL

EFFECTS OF THE SEQUESTER, THE

PAINFUL ACROSS-THE-BOARD BUDGET

CUTS THAT ARE WREAKING HAVOC ON

FEDERAL SERVICES, SEEM LIKE

THEY'RE HERE TO STAY.

EXTENDED UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS

ARE RUNNING OUT IN WESTERN

MASSACHUSETTS.

HEAD START PROGRAMS ARE CLOSING

EARLY IN RHODE ISLAND.

JOBLESS CALIFORNIA WORKERS ARE

FORGOING $1.2 BILLION EACH WEEK.

SENIORS IN MAINE ARE GOING

WITHOUT MEALS ON WHEELS, WHICH,

BY THE WAY, SEEMS LIKE A COOL

PROGRAM TO BEGIN WITH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

HE'S HUNGRY!

HE'S SO-- THERE GOES MY-- MY

PIE.

( LAUGHTER )

THAT'S YET NEWS FROM CONGRESS

LAST WEEK WAS SO SURPRISING AND

SO WELCOME.

>> DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS

CAME TOGETHER LATE LAST NIGHT.

>> IN ORDER TO REDUCE THE IMPACT

OF THE SEQUESTER.

>> Jon: PRAISE IT BE OUR

ESTEEMED LEADER!

WHAT BOLD LEGISLATIVE ACTION

HAVE THEY UNDERTAKEN TO EASE

AMERICA'S BURDEN?

>> BOTH HOUSES OF CONGRESS MOVED

QUICKLY TO GIVE THE FEDERAL

AVIATION ADMINISTRATION MORE

FLEXIBILITY IN CUTTING THEIR

BUDGET, ALLOWING THEM TO BRING

BACK AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER

STAFFING TO 100%.

>> Jon: OH, THAT'S VERY

INTERESTING.

( LAUGHTER )

CERTAINLY, VERY HELPFUL.

WHY, PER CHANCE, THAT PART OF

THE SEQUESTER?

>> A FEW HOURS AFTER VOTING,

MEMBERS LEFT CAPITOL HILL AND

HEADED TO THE AIRPORT FOR A

WEEK-LONG RECESS.

>> Jon: OH, RIGHT!

( APPLAUSE )

OH, RIGHT!

BECAUSE--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IT'S THE PROBLEM FROM THE

SEQUESTER THAT AFFECTS THEM.

( LAUGHTER )

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT MEALS ON

WHEELS UNLESS IT'S ROLLING DOWN

AN AISLE.

HERE'S THE BEST PART-- HOW FAST

THEY CAN GET SOMETHING DONE ARE

WHEN IT AFFECTS THEM.

>> THEY PASSED THE BILL THAT WAS

CRAFTED SO QUICKLY, PARTS OF IT

WERE HANDWRITTEN.

( LAUGHTER )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Jon: LEAKS, I TAKE YOU

TO LEGISLATION THEATER.

( LAUGHTER )

OPEN ON THE HOUSE FLOOR.

WHAT TIME DOES YOUR PLANE TAKE

OFF?

"8:00."

I TONIGHT KNOW WHY THEY HAVE THE

SAME VOICE.

I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.

HOLD ON.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

DOESN'T MATTER.

"8:00?

YOU BETTER LEAVE NOW.

THE LINES ARE VERY LONG."

"WHY?"

"YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE

INDISCRIMINATELY CUT FEDERAL

FUNDING ACROSS THE BOARD BECAUSE

WE THOUGHT THAT WOULD FORCE US

TO FIND A RESOLUTION TO OUR

BUDGET IMPASSE."

"OH, YEAH, YEAH."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY LONG LINES

AT THE AIRPORT?"

"YEAH, IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG

TIME."

"( BLEEP ), GIVE ME A PEN."

DONE!

"NOW LET'S GO HOME."

THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT.

( APPLAUSE )

THE PLAY SOMEWHAT FELL APART IN

THE SECOND ACT.

( LAUGHTER )

BY THE WAY, I'M NOT SURE WHY

HANDWRITING THE BILL GETS IT

DONE FASTER.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, IF YOU GIVE

CONGRESS COMPUTERS DO THEY JUST

SPEND ALL THEIR TIME ON PORN

SITES PROCRASTURBATING, USING

MASTURBATION TO OCTER WISE

OCCUPY YOURSELF.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

WE HAVE AN AUDIENCE FILLED WITH

PROCRASTURBATERS.

I GUESS WE'RE LUCKY THEY'RE

HERE.

( LAUGHTER )

WELL, HOPEFULLY CONGRESS IS AT

LEAST SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED BY

THIS EXERCISE IN SELF-INTEREST.

>> I'M DELIGHTED THAT THE SENATE

HAS JUST PASSED A BIPARTISAN

BILL TO RESOLVE A SERIOUS

PROBLEM CONFRONTING THE AMERICAN

TRAVELING PUBLIC AND OUR

ECONOMY, AND IT'S NICE TO KNOW

THAT WHEN WE WORK TOGETHER WE

REALLY CAN SOLVE PROBLEMS.

>> Jon: YEAH, HOW NICE FOR

YOU.

( LAUGHTER )

I THINK I HAVE A NEW WORD FOR

THE URBAN DICTIONARY-- CONGRATS

BAITING.

CREATING A PROBLEM THAT AFFECTS

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, AND PRAISING

ONES FOR FIXING THE SMALL PART

OF THE PROBLEM THAT AFFECTS YOU,

AND THEN

Loading...