A Bug's Death

  • Aired:  05/07/13
  •  | Views: 1,330

It will take more than losing weight and occasional bouts of reasonableness for Chris Christie to become a viable 2016 presidential candidate. (4:29)

COMEDY CENTRAL

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY,

WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW,

MY NAME IS JON--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MY GUEST TONIGHT, OH,

TONIGHT'S PROGRAM SAY GOOD

ONE, MY GUEST MINDY KALING,

TRIPLE THREAT!

WRITER, PRODUCER, STAR.

SHE'S VERY SUCCESSFUL.

ALTHOUGH SHE WAS VERY

SUCCESSFUL WHEN SHE WAS JUST

ON ITS OFFICE.

SHE'S BEEN SUCCESSFUL FOR A

VERY LONG TIME.

I DON'T KNOW-- I DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO-- LET'S GET TO OUR

TOP STORY TONIGHT.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, AS

THOUGH WE HAVE A TOP STORY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR

CHRIS CHRISTIE, IS LOSING

WEIGHT.

>> CHRIS CHRISTIE ANNOUNCING

THAT AFTER STRUGGLING WITH

OBESITY FOR YEARS HE

REVEALED HE SECRETLY HAD LAP

BAND STOMACH SURGERY.

>> SOME SAY IT IS A SIGN

WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN

2016.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: OF COURSE SOME SAY

THAT.

SOME SAY THAT HE'S RUNNING

FOR PRESIDENT, IT'S A SURE

SIGN.

BECAUSE WHY ELSE WOULD A

50-YEAR-OLD MAN WITH YOUNG

CHILDREN AND A LOVING FAMILY

TAKE STEPS TO ADDRESS

OBESITY AND EXTEND HIS LIFE.

WHY ELSE?

IT IS A CLASSIC PRESIDENTIAL

RUN TELL.

(LAUGHTER)

GOES BACK TO THE DAYS OF

EISENHOWER WHEN EVERYBODY

KNEW HE WAS NOT GOING TO BE

A PRESIDENT.

OF COURSE THE PHYSICAL

TRANSFORMATION THAT

EISENHOWER UNDERWENT FORCED

HIM TO CHANGE HIS ORIGINAL

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

CAN'T A GUY GET HEALTHY

WITHOUT PROGNOSTICATORS?

>> OH WHAT DOES IT MEAN.

IT MEANS HE DOESN'T FEEL

WELL!

AND WANTS TO FEEL BETTER.

BUT YOU KNOW, YOUNG CHRISTIE,

IF YOU DO WISH TO BECOME

PRESIDENT, IT WILL TAKE MORE

THAN TRIMMING DOWN AN

OCCASIONAL BOUGHTS OF

REASONABLENESS.

TO BE COMMANDER IN CHIEF YOU

MUST HAVE THE REFLEXES OF A

NINJA.

>> NICE!

>> Jon: NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

OF COURSE OBVIOUSLY NOW THAT

JOB WOULD BE HANDLED BY

DRONES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, I'M

MAKING THAT UP, YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES THE

PRESIDENT, CHRISTIE.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

NO, DID HE-- NO, COULD IT

BE-- IT BE?

>> A GROUP OF SCHOOLCHILDREN

WAS VISITING IF YOU JERSEY

GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE WHEN

THE SPIDER CRAWLED ON HIS

DESK.

HE QUICKLY SQUASHED THE

PROBLEM.

>> Jon: ONLY IT WASN'T AN

ODE SPIDER.

IT WAS THE FAMOUS

DR. ARACHNO, WHO WAS AT THAT

MOMENT RUSHING TO CHRISTIE'S

OFFICE TO TELL HIM OF THE

CAN SUR-- CANCER CURE

BREAKTHROUGH THAT HE HAD

DISCOVERED.

(LAUGHTER)

SADLY, I GUESS BECAUSE OF

CHRIS CHRISTIE, KWAN

CERTIFICATE-- CANCER WILL

ALWAYS BE WITH US.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

HONESTLY, I DON'T-- I DON'T

KNOW THAT THAT WAS

DR. ARACHNO.

JUST KIDDING.

OR THAT HE WAS WORKING, AND

WHY WOULD HE WORK ON HUMAN

CANCER.

HE WOULD BE WORK ON SPIDER

CANCER, I WITHOUT THINK, AT

THE TIME.

REALLY THE WHOLE THING IS

SOMEWHAT FARFETCHED.

THE POINT IS THIS BY THE WAY,

IF YOU WERE CONCERNED AT ALL

THAT GOVERNOR CHRIS YEAUX

SET A POOR EXAMPLE FOR THE

CHILDREN WHO WERE VISITING

HIS OFFICE, OR WOULD RUN

AFOUL OF PETA, PLEASE KNOW

THAT THE GOVERNOR SAVED THAT

SPIDER FROM A FAR WORSE

FAITH.

>>

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YUP.

HEY, THEY BRING A SPIDER,

YOU BRING A STAPLER.

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