Arrested Development

  • Aired:  12/07/11
  •  | Views: 311,762

The Senate passes a defense appropriations bill that allows the government to detain an American citizen indefinitely without a trial. (5:31)

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW WHO IS HERE TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHO IS HERE TONIGHT?

RALPH FIENNES IS GOING TO BE

HERE TONIGHT, RALPH FIENNES.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE GOING TO TALK CRAFT,

ACTING CRAFT, HE AND I.

WELL, HE IS.

I'M JUST GOING TO REMIND HIM I

WAS IN "HALF-BAKED."

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S START IN WASHINGTON WHERE

LAST WEEK THE SENATE PASSED THE

2011 DEFENSE APPROPRIATIONS

BILL, WHICH AUTHORIZED ALL THE

MONEY FOR OUR ARMED FORCES BY A

WHOPPING 93-7.

OF COURSE, THE DEFENSE

PROBATIONS BILL IS ONE OF THOSE

MUST-PASS PIECES OF LEGISLATION.

EVERY YEAR YOU ALWAYS SEE SOME

CRAZY PROVISION SOMEONE SNEAKS

IN THERE, LIKE IN 2007 IT WAS

INTELLIGENT CLOTHING.

WE WERE GOING TO PAY TO DEVELOP

CLOTHING THAT DETECTS CHEMICAL

ATTACKS.

IN 2009 IT WAS HAWAIIAN HEALTH

CARE NETWORK, AND, OF COURSE,

LAST YEAR THE FLYING BULLDOZER.

IT'S UNNECESSARY.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE WHAT WACKY PROVISIONS GOT

FOLDED INTO THIS YEAR'S BILL.

>> THE PROVISIONS AUTHORIZE THE

INDEFINITE MILITARY DETENTION OF

AMERICAN CITIZENS WHO ARE

SUSPECTED OF INVOLVEMENT IN

TERRORISM, EVEN THOSE CAPTURED

HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY, IN THE

UNITED STATES, WHICH I THINK

SHOULD CONCERN EACH AND EVERY

ONE OF US.

>> Jon: YES.

I AGREE WITH YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS SOMEWHAT CONCERNING, A

BILL THAT ALLOWS THE GOVERNMENT

TO LOCK UP AN AMERICAN CITIZEN

INDEFINITELY, WITHOUT A TRIAL,

THUS APPARENTLY NULLIFYING THE

FOURTH AMENDMENT OF THE

CONSTITUTION.

I CAN SEE WHY SEVEN SENATORS

VOTED AGAINST IT.

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT WE'D HAVE

LIKE NINE OR A BAKER'S DOZEN,

BUT ALL RIGHT.

CAN ONLY IMAGINE, THOUGH, THE

SENATE DEBATE ON THE BILL WAS

PRETTY PITCHED.

>> WE HAVE APPROXIMATELY A HALF

HOUR ON EACH SIDE.

I'M WONDERING HOW MUCH SENATOR

GRAHAM NEEDS.

>> TEN MINUTES.

IS THAT TOO MUCH, FIVE MINUTES?

>> CAN YOU DO FIVE MINUTES?

>> SEVEN.

>> I THINK WE HAVE SEVEN

SPEAKERS ON THIS SIDE.

>> I'LL TRY TO BE QUICK.

>> TRY TO DO EIGHT MINUTES.

>> I'LL TRY TO DO IT AS QUICK AS

I CAN.

>> JON: I CAN ELIMINATE THAT

FREEDOM IN SIX MINUTES.

I CAN ELIMINATE THAT FREEDOM IN

FIVE.

ELIMINATE THAT FREEDOM.

EACH SIDE IN THIS DEBATE HAD

HALF AN HOUR.

FOR THE DEBATE ON ELIMINATING

ONE OF THE MOST BASIC

PROTECTIONS OF CITIZENSHIP, WE

REQUIRE AT LEAST, AT LEAST A

RUNNING TIME OF "TWO BROKE

GIRLS."

[LAUGHTER]

INCLUDING COMMERCIALS.

THIS IS NOT A BANANA REPUBLIC.

WOULD IT BE ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE

THE CASE AGAINST THE BILL?

RAND PAUL OF KENTUCKY, GO.

>> DETAINING CITIZENS WITHOUT A

COURT TRIAL IS NOT AMERICAN.

>> Jon: OH, I DIDN'T EVEN CLICK

THE START BUTTON YET.

WOW, THAT'S A PRETTY PERSUASIVE

CASE AGAINST.

WHAT'S THE CASE FOR?

>> IF THE SENATOR FROM KENTUCKY

WANTS TO HAVE A SITUATION

PREVAIL WHERE PEOPLE ARE

RELEASED AND GO BACK IN THE

FIGHT AND KILL AMERICANS, HE'S

ENTITLED TO THAT OPINION.

>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE

WANTS.

THAT IS THE JEWISH

GRANDMOTHERY-IST ARGUMENT I HAVE

EVER HEARD FOR INDEFINITE

DETENTION OF AMERICAN CITIZENS.

[IN JEWISH ACCENT]: IF THE

SENATOR FROM KENTUCKY WANTS THAT

BAD PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO

KILL US, I THINK THEY SHOULDN'T

BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

I'M JUST AN OLD MAN WITH ANGER

MANAGEMENT ISSUES.

I DON'T KNOW.

SPEAKING OF JEWISH GRANDMOTHERS,

WHAT DOES SENATOR CARL LEVIN

THINK OF THIS BILL?

>> AL QAEDA IS AT WAR WITH US.

THEY BROUGHT THAT WAR TO OUR

SHORES.

>> Jon: DO YOU THINK WE WANT TO

KEEP AMERICANS IN PRISON

FOREVER?

OF COURSE WE DON'T.

THIS HURTS US MORE THAN THEM.

LET'S HEAR A LESS JEWISH

ARGUMENT.

>> WE'RE FACING AN ENEMY, NOT A

COMMON CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION,

WHO WILL DO ANYTHING AND

EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO DESTROY

OUR WAY OF LIFE.

>> Jon: SO WE'RE GOING TO

DESTROY IT BEFORE THEY CAN GET

THEIR HANDS ON IT.

YOU CAN TAKE AWAY OUR LIVES, BUT

ONLY WAY WE CAN TAKE AWAY OUR

FREEDOM MMMMMM.

[IN EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT]

LOOK, WE HAVE BEEN PUTTING UP

WITH THIS CYNICAL FEAR MONGERING

FOR TEN YEARS NOW.

IF YOU WANT US TO PUNT OUR RIGHT

TO DEW DUE PROCESS, WE NEED MORE

PURE CONDI SENSE.

>> WHEN YOU JOIN AL QAEDA,

YOU'RE JOINING PEOPLE WHO ARE

BENT ON OUR DESTRUCTION AND WHO

ARE A MILITARY THREAT.

>> Jon: BULL [BLEEPED].

AL QAEDA WISHES IT KILLED AS

MANY AMERICANS AS OUR GANGS DO.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY WISH THEY WERE THAT GOOD AT

KILLING AMERICANS.

SINCE 9/11, OUR GANGS HAVE

KILLED LIKE 10,000 AMERICANS.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE LINDSEY GRAHAM

IS TRYING TO GET THE HEAT OFF OF

GANGS.

ZOOM IN ON HIS FACE.

SON OF A BITCH!

I KNEW IT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

GRAHAM!

LINDSEY GRAHAM IS A CLOSETED

GANGBANGER.

I'M NOT SUGGESTING

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